My Dad Won’t Listen to Me About Paying for Mom’s Care. How Can We Agree?

Expert guidance on talking through money, rights and family roles

Barry J. Jacobs,

AARP

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Published May 29, 2026

a person caring for someone in a wheelchair

Vidhya Nagarajan

Key takeaways

A parent who is legally competent can decide how to use assets, even if adult children object.
Caregiving money disputes often reflect fears about fairness, duty and being valued.
Unified input from siblings and the care recipient can make difficult talks more productive.

Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.

Question: My 93-year-old father is set on selling property so that my mother and sister won’t have to pay for housing after he passes away. I don’t want him to sell it. He thinks it will allow my sister to continue serving as our mother’s full-time caregiver. I think my sister could get a job, and we could split costs for paid help. What’s some advice when you and your care recipient don’t agree on how to pay for care?

—VSB, College Park, Maryland

Jacobs: Your question sounds as if it should have a straightforward answer. Paying for care, a financial adviser might say, ought to be a matter of establishing priorities about the allocation of a family’s resources, divvying up the dollars and cents. If your dad’s priorities and yours are different, then a financial analysis might reveal which approach is more economically prudent for supporting your mother for the rest of her life.

But financial decisions in caregiving are rarely just an economic concern. Emotions run high about who is taken care of and who thinks they’ve been slighted. In the worst-case scenario, family members who feel that they haven’t been given their fair share of an inheritance or other family resource may feel less loved. The resulting hurt can lead to angry confrontations.

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Is something similar going on in your family? Do you have feelings about your father’s prioritization of your mother’s care by selling property now to cover her housing? Or do you think that that property should be bequeathed to you and your sister after both of your parents are deceased? The plan that you have put forward — that you and your sister will earn the money to pay for your mom’s care rather than using the property sale proceeds — also makes your mother’s needs central. But does your dad regard your plan as the best one for your mom or, instead, most advantageous to you? Will he even listen to you if he thinks you are being self-serving?

Economics and emotions become quickly entangled here. And then there are legal factors to take into account. Unless your father has been declared incompetent by a court of law to make decisions about his finances, he has every right to choose whichever course he prefers. If he decides to entertain your ideas at all, it would be because he wants to, not that he has to. You would have no legal standing to challenge his plan or compel him to agree with yours.

So how should you proceed in trying to discuss this financial decision with your father? With abundant tact and careful strategy. You would need to make clear that, like him, your primary interest is your mother’s well-being. You would also need to communicate that you are aware of and respect his legal right to make the final choice. There are ways, though, that you may be able to help him be less “set” in his decision and more seriously contemplate your point of view.

Seek power in numbers

Your plan to delay selling the property would affect not just you but also your sister and mother. What do they think about your idea?

If they are opposed and prefer your father’s plan for covering their long-term housing, I can’t imagine he would side with you against their wishes. But if they agree with you, you would have a greater chance of swaying your father if a committee of his closest relatives — you, Sis and Mom — met with him to ask him to change his mind.

To explore this possibility, start by asking your sister about her feelings and preferences. Does she want to be the live-in caregiver for your mother after your father dies, as he intends, or does that feel like a family duty being assigned to her? Would she agree instead to use her wages to pay for services, as you would have her do? (Perhaps she would choose to do neither and come up with an alternative.)

If she is with you and not against you, the two of you should speak with your mother about what she would like. Even if she prefers your sister’s caregiving to, say, that of a home health aide, she may still agree with your plan if she thinks it would help you and your sister. With your mom on board with your plan, it is hard to imagine your father wouldn’t at least pause to consider it.

Resolution through mediation

To arrive at a plan that all of you can agree on, eldercare mediation may be an option. It is a voluntary process in which family members pay a fee of several hundred dollars per hour to meet several times with a mediator to help decide how best to care for an older adult.

That mediator, trained in conflict resolution, would be a neutral party facilitating a focused, largely unemotional conversation among you, your dad, your mother and your sister. The mediator would listen well, foster effective communication and not tell you what to do. This person might be able to point you to resources for supporting your mom that you may not be aware of.

While there is no national organization to steer you to the best eldercare mediator in your community, it may be wise to ask a trusted health care professional or member of the clergy for a referral.

It should be noted, however, that eldercare mediation only works when everyone is tired of bickering and motivated to seek peace through this structured, time-consuming process. If your dad is not interested in talking to you any further about his decision, there is no point in seeking mediation. The same is true if the two of you would rather argue than calmly deliberate.

More from Barry Jacobs

My Mom Wants Me to Be Her Caregiver, but She Won’t Move Near Me to Make It Easier
Our Long-Distance Sister Questions How We Care for Aging Parents
I’m a Sole Family Caregiver. What Will My Husband Do If Something Bad Happens to Me?
My Husband With Dementia Yells at Me. I’m Tired of It
My Family Can’t Agree About End-of-Life Decisions for My Parent. Everyone Is Angry

For love, not money

The most important step you can take, however, is to demonstrate that you applaud your dad for what he is trying to accomplish — taking care of your mom in his absence. If you haven’t stated this explicitly to him yet, take the earliest opportunity to say it in heartfelt terms.

Even if you disagree with his means for achieving that goal — and even if the two of you have forever clashed over family decisions — make sure he understands that you are his loving child and ally. If you don’t let past hurt or rivalry get in the way, he will be more apt to listen to and really hear you. There may be some small chance that he’ll come to agree with you.

But even if he doesn’t, you will have strengthened your relationship with him before he dies. That, in itself, is a kind of agreement and an invaluable accomplishment.

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The key takeaways were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.

Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and health care consultant, is coauthor of the upcoming book The AARP Caregiver Answer Book, scheduled for release on July 9, 2025. For more information, visit aarp.org/bookstore. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.