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My Mom Wants Me to Be Her Caregiver, but She Won’t Move Near Me to Make It Easier
Why these standoffs happen and how empathy and planning can ease the strain
Vidhya Nagarajan
Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.
I am my mother’s health care and financial power of attorney and am taking care of almost everything for her from a distance because she lives far away from me. It stresses me out to travel to her home so often. Unfortunately, she refuses to move closer even though that would help me live my own life. How can I balance her need to stay put with my need for less stress as her caregiver?
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—N.S., Waynesboro, Pennsylvania
(This letter was edited for length and clarity.)
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Jacobs: I get your frustration. Many adult children caring for aging parents have one futile conversation after another with them about moving closer. From the adult child’s viewpoint, such a move would make good, practical sense. They could then more easily accompany their parent to medical appointments, pick up groceries and medications for them, and enjoy their company. Being closer geographically might also lead them to greater emotional closeness. And, as your question suggests, the move would help the adult child avoid the disruption of frequently traveling to the parent’s home.
The most compelling reason for a parent to move, though, is one that many adult children think but don’t usually say out loud: They believe it would be fairer. Since I’m making sacrifices for you, an adult child might be musing, then the least you can do is make the sacrifice of giving up your home and moving closer to me so that caring for you will be less stressful.
What seems fair to the adult child, however, may strike the parent as unjust and intolerable. “It is tough enough getting older and losing some of my abilities,” a parent might respond. “How dare you try to compound those losses by taking away the comfort of my home and companionship of my close friends — so that you won’t be inconvenienced by traveling!”
The parent might add indignantly, “I already hate being dependent on you because it makes me feel like I’m no longer a capable adult. I appreciate that you want to help me, but I’ll be an even greater burden on you if I live nearby. Then I’ll feel even worse.”
These generational standoffs can seem irresolvable. Some parents never agree to move, or do so only under enormous duress after a crisis. I went through this 16 years ago with my mother. When my wife and I first suggested that she move from Florida to live within a mile of our Pennsylvania home so we could support her and my stepfather with dementia, she replied with vehemence, “I’d rather live in the gutter.” Later, when dire medical and financial circumstances forced a move, she stewed about it.
Fortunately, there are better ways for you to encourage your mom to ultimately decide to move. They require equal amounts of empathy, pragmatism and future planning so that what may seem fair to you also feels fair to her.
Acknowledge the losses first
An old family therapy aphorism is “Join before confronting.” In other words, we need to empathize with others so that they feel like we are with them before we ask them to make a difficult change.
More from Barry Jacobs
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I’m a Sole Family Caregiver. What Will My Husband Do If Something Bad Happens to Me?
My Husband With Dementia Yells at Me. I’m Tired of It
My Family Can’t Agree About End-of-Life Decisions for My Parent. Everyone Is Angry
I Can’t Talk to My Ill Spouse Anymore. How Can I Still Find Emotional Support?
To that point, any fruitful conversation with your mom needs to start with your sincere acknowledgment of the losses she would experience by moving. Tell her that you know that she loves her home, her friends and the life she has led. Say that you can understand her fears that she would lose all that and be thrust into a strange new environment with greater reliance on you. It is only when she feels like you understand what’s at stake for her that she might begin to listen to your concerns.
Gently challenge minimization
To save face, we all try to make light of our weaknesses. Declining older adults who are determined to stay in their homes do the same, often minimizing the impact of how they’re changing (e.g., “I can still hear most of what I need to”; “I can still climb the stairs if I go very slowly”). If your mom is doing this, praise her for the adaptations she is making, but quietly point out that they may not work forever.
For example, you might say, “I’m so glad that you have decided to stop driving at night because your eyes can’t handle the glare of oncoming traffic anymore. But the fact that your eyesight is changing makes me worried that even driving during the day may get harder for you.” You are not discounting what she can still do. You are only noting that she is undergoing unwanted changes, which will most likely continue.
Describe a tipping point
Without sounding alarmist, bring up that there is an inevitable tipping point coming: “Mom, as much as we want to hold on to the way things are today, we need to plan for tomorrow as well. There will come a time when the combination of your growing deficits and the increasing stress that I’m feeling from traveling back and forth to your home will be too much for both of us. Then, moving closer to me will be necessary.”
Will she readily agree with this? Probably not. She may tell you that she is doing her best every day and will deal with tomorrow’s challenges tomorrow. But you should stand firm that, because you care about her, the two of you should think about the next steps to keep her safe and well. You might also remind her that you don’t control the circumstances she finds herself in. (Aging and, possibly, illness do.) You are there to help her plan for and adjust to them with your support.
Market the move
Lastly, you should show your mother that a move won’t necessarily be a total loss; it may also offer gains. If she lives near you, then you can drive her to stores, libraries and recreational events — the kinds of places that may be a challenge for her to get to now. You could cook her dinner and celebrate holidays with her more easily. You could hang out together. She could participate in the older adult groups in your community and, hopefully, make new friends. You can also help her stay in touch with her old friends by phone and video.
It is also crucial to tell her that you want to help her preserve her independence, even if she lives nearby. Moving to your community doesn’t put you in charge of her. It gives you a better opportunity to accompany her during this phase of her life.
As appealing as you try to make all this sound, the loss of her home may still hurt her deeply. Please let her know that you feel for her. Even as you strive to help her live as fully and happily as she can in her new home, you will cherish with her the life she had.
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