My Husband With Dementia Yells at Me. I’m Tired of It

Advice for caregivers dealing with a spouse’s anger and confusion

Barry J. Jacobs,

AARP

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Published January 30, 2026

Vidhya Nagarajan

Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.

Question: My husband has vascular dementia. When he can’t find things or is confused about where he is, he accuses me of hiding them or moving them. He has a temper, so I don’t argue with him, but I am clueless as to what to say. I really am getting tired of being yelled at. I didn’t sign up for this. I am 85, and he is 84.

(This letter was edited for length and clarity.)

Jacobs: Tired of it? You must be totally fed up. No one deserves to be baselessly accused and yelled at like that, especially not a loyal spouse who is hanging in there as his steadfast caregiver. It is unfair and hurts. But, as you likely know, this is a common situation for caregivers of adults with dementia whose personalities and behavior have been altered by their condition.

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Although they may have been clearheaded and trusting in the past, people in the moderate stages of dementia are frequently confused and paranoid. While they may have been easygoing and calm before, they often are now easily agitated. To make matters even harder for their caregivers, it is not unusual for them to lose the ability to inhibit their worst impulses and, as a result, become prone to lashing out in frustration at others, specifically the spouse or adult child who is physically and emotionally closest to them. They seem oblivious to the pain they are causing.

From your brief description, it sounds like your husband fits many of these characteristics. If that is so, then your decision to avoid arguing with him is a very good one. He isn’t likely to understand the logic of what you are saying and will probably respond with more agitation and aggression to anything he perceives as contrary. Calming him is a better strategy, although not easy. He is still likely to yell at times because he will continue to misplace things and become frustrated. What can you say or do, if anything, to reduce his obnoxious behavior? There are several psychological, behavioral and medical approaches that may partially relieve this awful situation, even if they don’t completely resolve it.

Accept and accurately attribute

Living with a spouse with dementia is not only hard; it can also be baffling. Just when a caregiver may be telling themselves, He is not capable of understanding me or being nice anymore, their husband suddenly emerges from his confusion to speak lucidly, sounding like his old, patient, reasonable self for seconds or minutes at a time. These moments can tempt caregivers to believe, Maybe he is still in there, if I can only reach him. Unfortunately, they are fleeting and bittersweet, a normal part of the waxing and waning of the downward course of dementia. Before very long, that husband lapses back into a bewildered and possibly belligerent state.

If your spouse has periods of clarity like this, you might be misled to think that he has more control over his behavior than he does. You might then attribute his hurtful yelling to being mean, willful or furious at you for some reason. Instead, it would be psychologically better for you to savor these faint echoes of his past self but still fully accept the reality of how dementia is transforming your husband and marriage. Your attribution of his behavior would then be more helpful to you: His yelling is a symptom of his vascular dementia and not due to how he feels about me or any dissatisfaction with my caregiving. That might take away at least a little of the sting of his outbursts.

Respond as gently as you’re able

Once you have accepted his disease and attributed his yelling to it, then you will be better able to control your own emotions and dispassionately apply behavioral strategies for decreasing his agitation.

The most important strategy here is: When he gets loud, you get quiet. Respond to his yelling with a soft, gentle tone. Match his harsh accusations with soothing words of reassurance. Smile as he grimaces. Lend him some of your calmness, as he is now incapable of maintaining it on his own. All of this is easier said than done, of course. Especially if you’ve been married for decades, he will know which buttons to push to provoke you. But if you keep your poise, then you may have the power to help him settle down.

Another tried-and-true behavioral strategy is to distract him from whatever is troubling him. For example, if he says in a nasty voice, “What did you do with my toothbrush?” you may say quietly, “We’ll find it. Let’s get you dressed now. It would be nice to take a walk later. The sun is shining today.”

More from Barry Jacobs

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A third strategy is to take advantage of his short-term memory deficits. If you are unable to calm him, briefly leave the room in the hope that he will quickly forget whatever is upsetting him. For instance, if he continues to yell about the lost toothbrush, excuse yourself, saying, “I need to move the laundry,” and ask upon your return a few minutes later if he’d like a cup of coffee. His mood may be placid then because the missing toothbrush has slipped from his immediate awareness.

When all else fails, talk with his doctor

While most medical authorities recommend first using behavioral strategies for reducing agitation when a person has dementia, there are medication options to consider if those behavioral strategies don’t work. Please speak with your husband’s neurologist, psychiatrist, geriatrician or other primary care provider, who will probably tell you that there are at least two classes of medications — antidepressants and antipsychotics — which are sometimes used in very low doses to reduce agitation. Each has health risks and benefits that the provider will lay out.

Some spousal caregivers choose not to use these medicines because of their potential harm. Others decide that they are worth trying to improve not just the quality of life for the caregiver but for the person with dementia as well. They will continue to use the behavioral strategies in conjunction with medication on a trial basis to see if the combination makes caregiving interactions easier and therefore more sustainable for everyone.

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Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and health care consultant, is coauthor of the upcoming book The AARP Caregiver Answer Book, scheduled for release on July 9, 2025. For more information, visit aarp.org/bookstore. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.