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5 Tough Money Conversations to Have With Your Spouse Before It’s Too Late

Tackle these difficult but essential topics before you find yourselves in the midst of a crisis

5-minute read

Laura Grace Tarpley,

AARP

Published November 03, 2026

An older couple sits on a bench in an art gallery, looking at a painting of George Washington inside a green dollar bill surrounded by lily pads.

Lily Qian

Key takeaways

Couples should discuss future caregiving preferences and whether they can afford their preferred long-term care option.
Both spouses should have access to shared financial documents and online accounts.
Reviewing wills annually can help ensure estate plans continue to reflect a couple’s wishes.

Many couples struggle to communicate about money effectively. Diving into finances can stir up conflict and fear, especially as you grow older and certain topics become more daunting.

A 2025 Fidelity study found that among boomers who said legal and financial planning were important, only 19 percent discussed these topics with their partners. Moreover, a September 2026 CFP Board survey showed that around two-thirds of Americans who are married or living with a partner report money is a top relationship stressor, and nearly half said it’s the most uncomfortable subject to discuss with their partner.

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As you and your spouse age, experts say it’s crucial to have certain conversations about finances before it’s too late.

“Too late” doesn’t necessarily mean when one of you dies. It could mean a major life change, such as one of you retiring or losing cognitive functions.

Important conversations about money should take place “when things are calm, before something happens,” says Kerri Koen, an estate planning attorney and partner at Modern Legacy Law Group in Melrose, Massachusetts.

Here are five questions to ask your spouse when you’re clear-headed — not in the midst of an overwhelming situation.

‘What happens if one of us can’t make decisions anymore?’

It’s common for cognitive abilities to decline as people get older. Some of this comes with age, but various diseases can also cause people to lose their memory or other cognitive skills. In fact, more than three-quarters of U.S. adults age 40 and older said they expect to experience cognitive decline as they age, and half think it is at least somewhat likely they will get dementia, according to a 2025 AARP survey.

There are two important topics to discuss regarding what to do if one spouse can no longer make decisions. The first is how you’d handle an illness. For example, let’s say you know that your spouse is genetically predisposed to Alzheimer’s. Would they prefer to hire a live-in caregiver or move into an assisted living facility? Review your finances to determine whether their preferred option is financially feasible or whether you need to take steps to save more for long-term care.

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The second topic is how you would handle financial responsibilities if one of you can no longer make money decisions or manage tasks like paying bills.

‘What do we value in our golden years?’

It’s normal for values to change over time, especially as you reach new milestones like retirement. Before leaving the workforce, check in with your spouse to make sure you’re still aligned on your desired lifestyle in retirement.

Susan Harrington, a therapist and couples counselor at Maison Vie Therapy in Lafayette, Louisiana, says she sees two main shifts in her clients’ priorities as they age.

The first is that new retirees who previously devoted themselves to their job now prioritize family and community more than they did while employed. This new focus may motivate them to make decisions with significant financial implications, such as selling their house to move closer to their kids and grandkids.

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The second trend Harrington observes is more common among heterosexual couples who hold traditional values with respect to the husband being the breadwinner. When married couples retire and that dynamic changes, there may be an adjustment period. For example, a husband who is retiring might think, “I am going to relax now,” while the wife who has stayed at home may think, “I have the freedom to travel more, since he no longer needs me as much after a long day at work.”

The key, Harrington says, is to approach your relationship and finances in retirement from a “we” perspective, not an “I” perspective. It’s OK for partners to want to do different things in retirement, but it’s good to check in with your partner to make sure you’re on the same page about quality time, intimacy, hobbies and future goals.

‘What should I know about our finances?’

In many households, one spouse acts as an invisible CFO, paying bills, managing investments and keeping tabs on the family’s finances. The other partner may be in the dark about their finances.

If you’re the family CFO, make sure your spouse knows where important financial documents are stored, how to access online accounts and whom to call for assistance, says Daniel Lash, a certified financial planner in McLean, Virginia. The latter might include your financial adviser, accountant or estate attorney.

However, sharing this information is only the beginning. Many experts recommend couples regularly review their finances together so that if one spouse dies, the surviving spouse doesn’t have to find out something important while they’re coping with grief.

‘What would we each do if the other died first?’

This can be a particularly emotional conversation, but it’s one of the most critical, says Marianela Collado, a wealth adviser and the CEO at Tobias Financial Advisors in Plantation, Florida.

For example, how would the surviving spouse pay for the funeral? Would they stay in their home or sell it? Do they know how to file a tax return for the deceased? Would they be eligible for a Social Security survivor benefit? Who will serve as executor of the person’s estate? Ironing out these details in advance can help ease the logistical challenges that arise after losing a partner.

‘Should we update our wills?’

If you’ve gone years without reviewing your wills and other estate planning documents, make sure they still reflect your wishes, which can change over time. Koen recommends couples assess their wills annually. Major life changes, such as the birth of a child or grandchild, moving to a new state or acquiring new assets, may warrant making changes.

If you’re among the three-quarters of Americans who don’t have a will, prioritize this key task — dying without one risks leaving your loved ones with a complicated mess to sort out.

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