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How to Stop Fighting About Money With Your Honey
Don’t let financial disagreements wreck your relationship
The Voorhes/Gallery Stock
Money can be a source of tension for many couples — and not just young couples trying to blend their finances for the first time. Nearly 2 in 5 boomer couples and half of Gen X couples say they argue about financial matters at least occasionally, according to Fidelity Investments’ 2024 “Couples & Money Study.”
Fights over finances can arise as couples get older and face new money challenges, such as making sure they have enough for retirement or deciding whether to help support adult children or aging parents. Disagreements that might have simmered below the surface in the past can emerge once kids move out or as couples spend more time together in retirement.
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“Something shifts,” says Sarah Swantner, a certified financial therapist and founder of Black Hills Integrative Counseling and Coaching in Rapid City, South Dakota. “It’s like there’s bandwidth available to think about money in a different way.”
Money quarrels are common and can even be beneficial, depending on the outcome, but it’s important to be able to defuse them to protect and strengthen your relationship. These steps can help.
Be transparent
Arguments can erupt and money problems can emerge when one partner is less involved in managing household finances. Farnoosh Torabi, a money coach and host of the podcast So Money, recalls how her dad’s insistence on handling the household’s money matters kept her mom unaware of important details, such as how their bills were paid.
“If you’re shutting one partner out of the financial realities, even if you’re trying to take care of them, you’re doing a big disservice to them,” she says.
Transparency is the solution, she says. Both partners need to know how much money is coming in and going out, how bills are paid (auto-pay, online payment or check), and what accounts exist and how to access them. For example, Torabi says she and her husband use a free app from financial services company Empower to see all of their accounts in one place. Similar options include the free NerdWallet app and Monarch Money and PocketGuard, which charge monthly or yearly fees. If one spouse manages the household finances, they should create a budget so their partner can see the anticipated household income and expenses for the year, says Stephanie Zepeda, a marriage and family therapist and owner of Financial Therapy Texas.
“It’s a way of showing, rather than saying, ‘You need to trust me,’ ” she says. “Having a simple data point can be the bridge between the person who manages the finances and the person who is in the dark.”
Identify your financial fears
Money arguments often stem from money worries: Can we keep up with rising costs? Will we run out of money in retirement? Can we afford to take care of aging parents or help our kids if they’re struggling? It’s important to be aware of the fears that are driving your money decisions and actions, and your partner’s.
“What helps a lot is to increase your financial vulnerability — being able to share with each other, ‘These are the things I’m scared about,’ ” Zepeda says. Then you can work together to address those fears by being transparent about finances so you’re both on the same page, creating a budget to make your retirement savings last or talking to your adult children about how much support you can give them.
Align your priorities
Disagreements can occur when one partner is a spender and the other is a saver. Those differences can become more acute as couples enter retirement and one partner wants to, say, splurge on dream vacations, while the other wants to live frugally to leave money to children or grandchildren. “A lot of times, our spending and savings patterns are driven by mindless habits or fear,” Swantner says. To quash conflicts, Zepeda recommends that couples discuss what matters most to each of them, look for areas of compromise and common ground, and align their financial behavior accordingly.
Be prepared to pivot
Even couples who’ve aligned their priorities can end up fighting, because priorities can change. For example, plans to downsize or move closer to grandchildren could be disrupted when an aging parent has to move in after a dementia diagnosis. “The curveball of life gets thrown, and they have to pivot,” Zepeda says.
She says that couples can ease tension in these situations by relying on financial data instead of letting emotions guide their decisions. That means going over the numbers together to see what’s feasible, and identifying the parts of your retirement plan that were most important and worth trying to preserve.
Say a layoff forces one of you into early retirement. Maybe you can no longer afford to retire to that dream house overlooking the ocean — but making some adjustments to your budget might allow you to rent a place at the beach for a couple of weeks each year.
Listen — really listen
Trying to steer clear of money disagreements entirely? “Avoiding conflict is not the goal,” Swantner says. “The goal is to be able to talk through things as they arise and talk through them in loving ways.” That requires listening to what your partner is trying to say rather than pushing your agenda or getting defensive.
You don’t have to agree with everything, but you should acknowledge that you are hearing your partner’s concerns. “Over time, with practice, if both people are on board, it becomes the new norm of how we communicate,” Swantner says. “We can see our partners relax when we actually listen to them.”
Get help
You might need support from a professional to navigate financial arguments with your spouse. The Financial Therapy Association has a directory you can use to find a financial therapist who specializes in helping couples navigate money disagreements.
If you prefer to speak with a financial planner, you can connect with one through an industry association, such as the Certified Financial Planning Board of Standards, the Financial Planning Association or the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. “You don’t have to figure this out on your own,” Torabi says.
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