If You Don’t Have Anyone to Talk to About Surviving Infidelity, Read This!

There isn’t one clear-cut way forward from an affair

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Published May 28, 2025

Molly Snee

Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back each Wednesday for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.

After my husband had a very public affair nine years ago, I started an online support group for women who had experienced betrayal. The road forward from infidelity is long and strenuous, and it helps to hear from those who’ve gone before you.

What helped others traverse the blindsiding heartbreak of unfaithfulness? How did they equip themselves for the uncertainty of repair? At what pivotal points along the unknown terrain did they stumble and fall?

The group, which now has hundreds of members, was extremely active during the first few years I served as moderator. It’s gotten quiet in there lately, but a recent life update from a member generated a lot of gratitude for the group — as well as a flood of updates on where the rest of us are now.

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If you’re recovering from betrayal, other women’s stories may help you. Some of us chose to stay with our spouse or partner and made informed decisions to do so. Some of us stayed, not knowing if it was the right thing to do. Some chose to leave. Some were left by their spouses and weren’t given a choice.

There isn’t one clear-cut way forward from an affair. But the one thing the group discussions made clear over the years is how essential it is to have others to talk to while you work to heal. Due to the shame and embarrassment associated with cheating and being cheated on, it can be hard to trust your inner circle with your innermost thoughts and feelings during recovery.

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Here are some edited comments from a few of the support group members about where they are in their healing process. Their thoughts show that while it’s possible to heal from infidelity, it’s also an experience that remains with you indefinitely.

>> “It’s seven years since D Day, and though we stayed together, I finally realized today that I don’t ever have to be OK with what happened. It’s the simplest and most profound realization.”

>> “I stayed, but more days than not, I think I probably should’ve left. Financially, it would’ve been extremely difficult for me and my daughter, and I’m very angry at myself for allowing myself to be in that position. Financial reasons are why I stayed. Such a horrid reason, but sometimes there’s no other choice.”

>> “I stayed for 13 years. It was a complete betrayal of myself. I finally left last year. I also finally gave myself permission to stop trying to ‘get over’ his affair. My body and heart are broken from so many years of toxicity. I am alone, but I am alive.”

>> “The decision to stay or leave is hard to make. Each of us chose what was best at the time with the information we had. I don’t see a regrettable decision as self-betrayal, because you can continue to stay or change your mind based on how you feel today. Decisions are fluid.”

>> “I stayed and now we have marriage 2.0, but many days I wonder if it was the right choice.”

>> “It’s been four years for me. I still think of his affair often, inevitably because we are still together. But what I’ve since learned is that you outgrow the person you were while you were struggling. You aren’t the same person who ‘found out.’ I like accepting that it doesn’t hurt less; you just get stronger. I know there are so many others who weren’t lucky enough to find this group. What a blessing that we did.”

>> “I left and have wondered if I had stayed and fought, would that have been better?”

>> “It’s been five years for me. I also question my decision to stay. My husband continues to do the right things, and I try to remember that he is not his mistake. I stayed mostly because of my kids and for financial reasons. I viewed either direction I took at that time as impossibly hard, and this path was easiest for my children. I couldn’t imagine potentially only seeing them 50 percent of the time. We have rebuilt, our marriage is better, he is a good human and a good father. It’s still hard, and I still occasionally think about what he did and fear that if I get complacent, it could happen again.”

>> “Pre-affair, I always felt safe and secure in believing in his love and trusted him implicitly. I no longer feel that way, and I miss that. He gets how much he hurt me, and I don’t think he would hurt me like that again, but I don’t fully trust that. He has given me no reason not to trust him; I just don’t 100 percent trust him. Then I ask myself, am I being fair to him? What’s wrong with me? After eight years, I continue to mistrust him sometimes. Financially, I don’t need to stay. I choose to stay with him. I don’t regret taking him back, but I do occasionally wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t. Would I have been more at peace?”

These stories come from a chorus of brave, strong, capable and loving women who have done the healing but still bear the scars. In the cacophony of the full choir, it’s clear that the pain of infidelity is often just a memory away. A lament often sung, in different and changing melodies, forever.

Whether you find your heart echoed in these honest words or whether yours reads differently, know that you are not alone and that your choice was valid. While a repaired relationship may never feel perfect, honestly, it never was to begin with. And if you feel plagued by self-betrayal today, you can stand up and begin to rectify that tomorrow.

Have any of you been cheated on? How did you deal with being betrayed?

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.

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