My Husband Has Been Cheating for Years. What Do I Do?

Expect a flood of emotions. Especially after so many years together, you may feel anger, shame, sadness, frustration, jealousy or humiliation, according to Sonya Maya, a psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy.

Consider talking it through with someone. Whether you stay or go, Needle says working with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, infidelity recovery or relationship transitions can be transformative. Maya suggests sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member. 

Figure out your needs. Stella Harris, a certified sexuality educator and mediator, says to figure out what you want for yourself before proposing anything to your husband. “If your sex life has been lackluster and cheating is involved, do you even want to try to stay?” says Harris. “Maybe it’s your turn to get out there and find some good sex.”

“This isn’t a decision you need to make today, but your needs, dreams and desires matter,” Needle adds. “This can be a turning point to reimagine your life, not just repair a broken one.”

Get tested for sexually transmitted infections and diseases. While you’re dealing with your emotions, it’s also important to take care of your physical health, given your husband’s promiscuity. Licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent recommends that you contact your health care provider for a comprehensive STI/STD screening, including HIV and human papillomavirus (commonly known as HPV), to ensure your own sexual health.

If you decide to stay… Moving forward with your husband will mean talking to each other about what your new relationship will look like, says Harris. It also means both parties will need to put some effort into it. “It’s really difficult to establish trust again after this kind of breach,” she notes. “Both people have to want to work on it.”

Harris suggests you also consider the following when deciding how to move forward together: Are you requesting monogamy, and can your husband agree to that? If he can’t agree, are you willing to open up your relationship?

If monogamy is a priority for you, Harris says you might say something like, “If you continue to cheat on me, I will leave.” This will make absolutely clear the kind of relationship you are willing to take part in.

And here’s something Needle says is encouraging to know: Some couples, through honesty, vulnerability and hard work, manage to rebuild a relationship that is even stronger and more connected than before.

“Repairing trust is a difficult journey,” she says. “But for some it opens the door to deeper communication, renewed intimacy and a new kind of partnership — one based on mutual accountability and emotional courage.”

If you leave... There are many aspects of a separation or divorce that you will need to pay attention to, such as financial security and division of assets. Make sure you get help with them. But for this column, we’ll stick to the emotional — especially if you consider starting to date again.  

Maya says people who have been betrayed sometimes have a hard time trusting in the next partnership.  When you are ready to start dating, she suggests taking it slowly. Once you feel safe in the new relationship, she says to tell your partner about any fears you may have of being betrayed again.

“Open communication can be really helpful,” Maya says. When things get serious, she suggests saying, “I’ve been betrayed in the past, which has made it harder to trust others, but I’m working on challenging these narratives and attachment issues. If I ever feel uneasy, I will make sure to be honest with you so that my fears do not interfere with our relationship.”

Maya also recommends that you rethink what you want your new sex life to look like. “Some people end up settling for an unsatisfying sex life when they’ve been married for a long time,” she says. “Try to be open about [what you want] with your next partner so you don’t feel trapped in a lackluster dynamic again.”

The bottom line: Take heart that this is not the end of your story, Needle says. Many women, she notes, rediscover their strength, passion and joy even after the most devastating betrayals.

As Needle puts it: “Whether your future includes rebuilding with your partner or creating a new chapter on your own, you deserve connection, honesty and love that honors you.”