Our Mom Needs Help Paying for a Caregiver. I Think My Brother Should Cover the Lion’s Share

Americans are living longer, and in turn are requiring long-term care as they age.

Many older adults opt for in-home care — and are often forced to pay out of pocket for it. Even a 10-hour-per-week home health aide, who provides basic health-related services such as administering medications and assisting with exercise, costs a median $1,473 a month, according to insurance company Genworth’s 2024 Cost of Care Survey.

Moreover, the number of people who require at-home care could increase significantly in the coming decades, as approximately 1 in 4 men who were 65 in 2023 will live past 90, and more than 1 in 3 women will do the same, according to a 2023 study by the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College.

Sometimes adult children are tasked with paying for a caregiver for an aging parent. Conflicts can arise when siblings share this responsibility, as one Money Manners reader recently experienced.

My mother took a bad fall a month ago. She needs part-time care to help with basic tasks like getting dressed, cooking meals and bathing. My brother asked if I would split the cost of a caregiver since Mom is living on a tight budget. However, I don’t think we should split it 50-50, considering my brother is a doctor and makes double my salary. Is it rude to ask him to pay more than me?

In a word, yes. It would be rude just to ask him to pay more than you. But the concept of dividing the bills based on your ability to accommodate costs, instead of simply doing an even split, isn’t rude at all.

I certainly don’t recommend saying to your brother, “You make more, you should cover more.” If you do, you’d be telling him how he should spend his money, which isn’t your place, nor is it polite.

Money Manners

Lizzie Post is AARP's financial etiquette columnist. She is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s also the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.

Have a question? Email us at moneymanners@aarp.org. 

Also, it can be easy to assume that people with more money have more flexibility with how they spend it. However, the reality is that we don’t really know what another person’s financial circumstances are unless we’re literally in their shoes. For example, your brother may have credit card debt, or he could still have student loans from medical school.  

Even if someone does have enough money to cover the service being discussed, they might have their own views about how it should be shared or split.

Given all of the unknowns, I suggest you focus on what you know you can contribute based on a close assessment of your budget. Then be transparent about your situation. You might say to your brother, “To be honest, I can’t swing a 50-50 split, but I can contribute $X per month for Mom’s caregiver.” Then the ball is in your brother’s court to decide how much he wishes to contribute.

If, combined, you don’t have enough funds to cover the service, it’s time to explore other options. This might entail looking into a less expensive caregiver or seeing if your mom is eligible for a federal or state program that provides older adults with financial aid for health care costs.

Figuring out how to pay for an aging parent’s care is no easy task. But this is a time where siblings need to work together, not against each other, to come up with a solution. If you let that kind of collaborative approach guide you, you and your brother will emerge stronger on the other side.