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My Friend Asked Me What My Salary Is. I Think She’s Being Disrespectful
Our etiquette columnist offers advice on an often taboo subject
Jon Krause
Many of us were taught by our parents to avoid talking about money in polite conversation. Salaries? Totally off-limits.
But times — and etiquette customs — change, and salary is no longer a taboo subject for many people, including older adults. According to a 2022 Bankrate survey, 31 percent of Gen Xers and 19 percent of boomers report they’ve shared how much they make with a coworker or other professional contact.
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Still, many people are hesitant to disclose their salary, especially to friends. Here’s what our etiquette expert says if you’re in that camp.
My friend asked me how much money I make. I think she was way out of line! My parents raised me to see salary as a private matter, and her question totally put me off. Is it still a taboo subject?
Yes and no — and you’re not alone in feeling this way.
A lot of us were raised by parents who avoided talking about money. Finances, we were told, are personal and private topics that make for impolite conversation, much like religion, politics and sex. And, because money has been viewed through that lens for decades, it’s important to remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing it.
That brings us to your predicament. It would have been nice if your friend — or, really, anyone who tries to broach the subject of salary — had first asked permission to have the conversation, saying “Can I ask you about your salary?” instead of assuming your paycheck was an open topic of discussion. But that’s not what happened.
Still, this person is your friend, and while you might be taken aback, you don’t want this to become a big issue. So what do you do?
Tempting though it may be to react defensively (“I can’t believe you’d ask me that!”) or call out your friend’s rudeness (“Don’t you know that’s a rude question to ask someone?”), I don’t think two rudes make a polite.
I also don’t think that attempting humor, in the form of firing back with something coy, like “I’ll tell you my salary if you tell me how much you weigh,” is the right approach, either. And it could make things worse, especially if your friend might not mind going there.
Instead, consider telling your friend directly that you’re not comfortable discussing your salary: “I have to be honest, I’m not comfortable sharing what I make.” That kind of polite, confident response will let your friend know how you feel without shaming or judging her for asking about it. If you want to better understand her reasoning for asking, you could tack on to your response, “Why do you want to know?” Maybe she’s just curious, or interested in getting into our line of work herself, or maybe she’s asking on behalf of a friend. You don’t know unless you ask her.
If you’re willing to discuss salaries in your industry broadly, another option is to say, “I’m not comfortable sharing what I make, but I can talk about the range that people in my field earn, if you’re interested.” That could be a helpful gesture. It would also put the focus back on her interest and away from your salary.
Of course, there’s a chance your friend might pressure you to reveal your salary with a nudge, like, “C’mon, it’s not a big deal.” If that happens, it’s OK for you to push back accordingly: “I understand you don’t think it’s a big deal, but I hope you can respect that for me, it is.”
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