My Friend Always Insists on Paying for Dinner. How Can I Break the Cycle?

Breaking bread with friends can bring people closer. But when the check arrives, who pays the tab?

Some friends always split the bill down the middle. Others pay for what they ordered. And some friends treat their dining companion to the meal.

If you have a pal who always insists on paying and it makes you uncomfortable, our etiquette columnist offers the following advice.

My friend and I love trying new restaurants together, but she always insists on paying, and it makes me feel awkward. I’ve offered to pay, but she refuses. She won’t even let me split the bill. I’ve thought about giving the restaurant my credit card information in advance so that I can cover the cost, but I don’t want to offend my friend. Any recommendations?

You and I are in the same situation! I, too, have a close friend who insists on picking up the tab whenever we go out to eat together. 

We are very lucky to have such generous friends. However, like you, I’ve spent a long time feeling awkward that my credit card or cash is always pushed back to me when the check arrives and my friend pays.

Money Manners

Lizzie Post is AARP's financial etiquette columnist. She is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s also the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.

Have a question? Email us at moneymanners@aarp.org. 

It happened just a few weeks ago. The gals and I went out to a new restaurant in Winooski, Vermont, that served oysters and fried chicken (so good!). We were very excited that one of our group was back after living abroad for work last summer. At the end of the meal, when our newly returned friend tried to pay for everyone, our friend refused, saying, “Hey, my husband has been treating all his friends to meals on their golf weekend. I get to treat my girlfriends!” She thwarted our efforts yet again, and we all shrank back a bit, saying our thank-yous as she signed the check, smiling at each other and saying, “She always does this. We can’t win!”

So what do you do in this situation? Your idea of providing the restaurant your credit card information ahead of time (or perhaps on a trip to the restroom during the meal) isn’t a bad one at all, but let’s refine it a little.

Don’t be afraid to take the reins. The next time you make dinner plans, call or text your friend and say, “I would like to treat you to dinner. What night works best for you?” If she still tries to pick up the tab when you go out, you can kindly remind her that you asked to treat her tonight.

You can also talk with her when you’re not out to eat together. Tell her that you want to reciprocate her generosity: “I know you like to treat, but I want to make sure you know that I never want you to feel like I expect it, and that it would make me feel good to treat you every now and again.”

Another way I’ve tackled this issue with my friend is by inviting her to dinner at my house instead of dining out. When she asks if she can bring something, I simply say, “Just your lovely self. I’ve got it all taken care of!” Even if she ends up bringing a cheese platter, I know I’ve created the space to take care of her as a host, which feels really good.