Help! My Daughter Spends Way Too Much Money

Poor financial habits can be a tough topic to broach. Here’s how to break the ice respectfully

Lizzie Post,

AARP

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Published March 28, 2025

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Jon Krause

It’s hard for parents to stop parenting — and that’s not such a bad thing. Parents have a lot to teach their kids, even as they age into their later years.

Truly, you don’t have to hang up your parent hat when your kids grow up. But you do want to recognize your adult child’s autonomy and approach tough topics, like finances, with respect for their independence.

Here, our etiquette expert offers advice for parents who disagree with their child’s financial habits in adulthood.

Not to sound judgmental, but I don’t approve of the way that my daughter spends money. She’s in her 30s, so I understand that she is a full-fledged adult and she earns a decent salary, but she spends like she’s the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. I’m concerned that she’s living beyond her means. How can I encourage her to spend less without overstepping?

This is really tough. While I don’t have children, I can imagine that watching an adult child practice poor spending habits is challenging. You’re caught between wanting what’s best for your child — having spent her entire life looking out for her and guiding her — and wanting to respect the fact that she’s flown the nest and is a fully independent adult.

I think your intentions are good, but this is not the time to ruffle feathers.

Although you’re no longer making financial decisions for your daughter, you can still find ways to effectively talk about finances with her without passing judgment. So much balancing of etiquette between adult children and their parents comes down to “the what” and “the how” of the issue. You’re still in good stead offering your daughter advice (“the what”), but your approach (“the how”) is crucial.

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While some financial conversations benefit from being addressed directly — for instance, discussing end-of-life care plans with an aging parent — other conversations benefit from an indirect approach. This is one of those times.

Instead of addressing the topic of your daughter’s spending behaviors head-on, start to cultivate conversations around financial topics like saving and financial planning, and get her talking about her own plans. Sharing steps you’ve taken that have worked well for you — spending responsibly, prioritizing saving, planning for retirement — can be really valuable. And, given that the economy is a bit dicey at the moment, now is an opportune time to have discussions about making sure savings are safe and secure, and what to do should an economic downturn or a recession impact personal finances.

You can even share ways that you personally are adjusting your spending habits to help you save for the future. So rather than saying, “You need to stop buying expensive tech gear and dining out every night,” start by seeding the idea that it’s important to be mindful of one’s spending habits. Again, frame it from your perspective — for example, “Your dad and I are trying to cut back on certain extras, like streaming subscriptions and restaurant meals. Fine-tuning our budget has helped us get a clearer picture of where our money is going.”

If you feel so inclined, you could also start a conversation with your daughter about what she’s envisioning for her life long-term: “Ellie, I’d love to hear about some of your dreams and goals for the future.” Notice the words “finance” and “money” are absent? That’s on purpose — it gives your daughter space to think about her future without applying any expectations or pressure on her finances.

If she says she sees herself buying a home, starting a family or achieving something else, you can guide the conversation to how she plans to save for her goals. Consider: “It took your father and me years to save up for a down payment. We made some mistakes along the way. I suggest creating a plan for how you’re going to build up the funds.”

With the right tact, these kinds of conversations can set the stage for future discussions about money with your daughter, which should help her feel comfortable coming to you for advice — something every parent can appreciate.

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Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.