How I Found Out I Have Autism

One of the main reasons I was diagnosed on the spectrum was because I can’t read facial expressions. Like angry or apathetic. They look the same to me. Are you mad at me? Are you just indifferent to me? I can’t tell you. In the testing, I couldn’t pick up on tone of voice either. And I really can’t pick up on social cues.

Why my diagnosis makes sense to me

From a very early age, I did feel different, partly because I was told I was gifted and special. I was reading by the time I was 2 or 3 years old. I skipped kindergarten.

Kids used to tease me and call me weird. I thought it was because I was part of that gifted group. But as I look back now, I remember some things in a different light. One of my first memories is in Montessori preschool. I was playing Barbies with a friend. And my Barbie was asking her Barbie, “Can I borrow a cup of sugar?” And the teacher says, “OK, kids, it’s time to be quiet.” So my Barbie then lowered her voice and said, “Can I borrow a cup of sugar?” in a whisper. And the teacher came over and said, “I told you to be quiet. No talking.” Then I understood. To this day, I misread things like that all the time.

And then, thinking about middle and high school, when you first want to get to know people on a romantic level, I particularly remember one boy. We exchanged phone numbers. He called me once, and I called him twice, three times, four times, five times. He was always very polite with me. But he never once suggested that we get together or go out. Did I pick up on those social cues? No, not one bit. He wasn’t the first or the last boy that happened with. I was clueless.

How my diagnosis has changed my life

Now that I know what my deficits are, I feel like I’m better prepared to do my job. In the past, I would feel like if I didn’t get something done, that I failed at it. And that would just kind of put me into a tailspin. Now I know there’s this real thing called autism burnout. A big part of that, for me, is masking — I’m pretending like I’m not autistic when I’m around other people. It’s very exhausting. So instead of accepting every single meeting, I might suggest different times so I’m no longer in back-to-back meetings. Psychologically, I just need the time to regroup and to focus on the next thing.

Also, I think now my husband has a better understanding of me. He understands that I don’t always read what his facial expressions mean and that I don’t always understand what he’s saying.

Since my diagnosis, I no longer think that there’s anything wrong with me. Which is huge. This is just the way my brain is wired. Kids used to call me weird, but I’m not weird.

My advice for other adults who think they might have autism

Many of us in this age group could have been diagnosed with autism as children, had the tools been available back then that we have today. If you feel that there’s something going on with you that you can’t explain, go for testing. If you have good insurance, insurance will pay for it. I felt that there was something more going on with me than just depression. And I was right. So listen to your gut.

What is autism spectrum disorder?

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can be diagnosed at any age, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. But signs of the disorder, recognized or not, typically develop early in life, the institute says. An estimated 5.4 million adults have autism spectrum disorder, according to a 2017 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Although the exact signs and symptoms can vary tremendously from person to person, these are the hallmarks, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) from the American Psychiatric Association:

• Difficulty with communication and social interaction. For example, someone with autism might misread facial expressions or talk at length about a favorite subject without noticing that others aren’t interested.
• Restricted or repetitive behaviors. Someone with autism might struggle with changes in routine, habitually repeat certain words and phrases or have unusually intense, focused interests. 
• Symptoms that affect functioning in school, work and other areas of life. People with autism also can have certain strengths, but they vary greatly from person to person. Some are good at math, art or music or have unusually sharp memories. Some have intellectual disabilities, while others have average or high intelligence.