5 Tips to Keep Your Long-Term Marriage Strong

Life can stress even the best of marriages. Here’s how to make sure yours thrives

Cheryl Maguire,

AARP

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En español

Published July 02, 2025

An older adult couple sits in separate rocking chairs in tastefully decorated living room. He’s reading a newspaper, she’s reading a magazine.

To keep a long-term marriage strong, experts say to pay attention to your partner's bids for affection.

Lara Jo Regan/Gallery Stock

If you’ve been married for over 20 years, you will stay married, right? Not necessarily. According to a 2022 study published in The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, more than 1 in 3 people who divorce in the United States are older than 50.

“ ‘Gray divorce’ is the phenomenon of the increase in the divorce rate among people in their 50s or over,” says Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist and coauthor of the book AARP Love and Meaning After 50: The 10 Challenges to Great Relationships—and How to Overcome Them. “Divorce in that phase of life had been extremely rare, and it’s not so rare anymore.”

The good news is that splitting up isn’t inevitable. There are ways to help your marriage thrive so you can make it the next 20 years together. Here is what the experts say.

Acknowledge significant life changes

Many long-term couples in this age group are navigating major life changes, like retirement, aging parents and empty nest syndrome. Taking the time to use these moments to redefine your relationship can help strengthen your bond and ensure that you’re growing together, not apart.

Couples can manage these transitions by openly acknowledging them and adjusting to their new reality. “A series of specific conversations need to take place just for planning for this new phase,” says Jacobs. “There’s also this overarching conversation, ‘Who are we?’ ”

One big change: when the children leave. “The empty nest is a stressor,” says Jacobs. “People have to be consciously aware that this is now a different phase of life.”

Some couples may have stayed together primarily for the children or focused so heavily on parenting that their relationship was neglected, says KC Davis, a licensed therapist and the author of Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen or End Any Relationship..

Retirement is another major shift. If both partners were working and are now home full-time, they may struggle with a lack of solitude. “ ‘This other person is in my space now,’ ” says Davis, “ ‘and we’re having to spend all this time together.’ ”

Caring for aging parents can also put a strain on your relationship.

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If you’ve had discussions about these life changes but are still struggling, Francine Russo, author of Love After 50: How to Find It, Enjoy It, and Keep It, suggests couples therapy as a good next step. Russo adds that individual therapy can also help you cope with these issues and figure out how to best approach conversations.

Be attuned to your partner’s bids for connection

Being attentive and responding positively to your partner’s everyday expressions of love can strengthen your emotional connection and increase your chances of staying together.

A black and white photo shows an older couple holding portraits of themselves during WWII.

And older couple holds portraits of themselves during WWII. Coming to terms with having different ideas of retirement is key to keeping a relationship strong.

Millennium Images/Gallery Stock

Davis explains how small moments, like holding hands or sharing an inside joke, can make a big difference. In her book, she discusses the importance of “bids,” which are one partner’s attempt to engage, and the other’s response, emphasizing that these moments are the backbone of a relationship. “The more we tune in to our partner’s bids, the stronger our relationship will be,” she says. The concept was first identified by John and Julie Gottman, a married couple who are well-known researchers and psychologists specializing in marital relationships.

Davis says people can respond to their partner’s bids in different ways — with dismissiveness, attentiveness or even aggression. Referencing a famous 1998 study by John Gottman that showed when couples responded positively to their partner’s bids for connection, Davis says those couples were more likely to remain married.

Negotiate your conflicts and expectations when it comes to retirement

With honest dialogue and a willingness to find creative solutions, couples can navigate their differences and build a retirement that works for both partners.You and your partner may have different expectations for how you’ll spend your later years. Russo says that staying in your marriage means negotiating certain differences with goodwill.

She offers travel as an example. “Often I hear that one person in the couple is yearning to travel,” she says, while the other isn’t interested. “That’s something that is actually fairly easy to negotiate.”

Her solution? The partner who wants to travel can go with a friend or family member, while the other supports those plans. “Don’t give up the things you love or want, but make them happen” by negotiating, she advises.

Another common issue is whether to move after retirement. Shee explains that having open conversations can help couples create a plan rather than harbor resentment over unspoken assumptions. If one partner wants to move to a warmer climate and the other doesn’t, then Russo suggests a compromise, such as buying or renting a second home in that destination.

Use humor to defuse situations and stay connected

When used with empathy and respect, humor can transform tense moments into opportunities for closeness, reminding couples that even in disagreement, they’re still on the same team.

Davis emphasizes the power of shared humor, noting that one of the things that drew her to her husband was their mutual comedic style. “There was a quality about the humor that made us both feel safe and made us both feel seen,” she says.

Jacobs agrees that humor can be a wonderful tool in a relationship. “It eases a lot of tensions, which helps you approach difficult topics — ones where you may disagree, but with enough good-heartedness and mutual regard,” he says, adding that laughing with someone (not at them) fosters a sense of unity.

Russo shares a similar sentiment about her own relationship: “We constantly make little personal jokes, and it’s great.”

Date like you used to

Navigating this next phase of life doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage; it can be a new beginning. Davis says to “not be afraid to start over [and] to date each other again.”

Russo adds, “Explore new things that excite you both.” She says she buys a theater subscription to see shows — a scheduled activity she and her husband use for date nights. It’s a way to look forward to spending time with one another, she says: “Saturday night comes, and we have a plan.”

An empty nest doesn’t have to mean it’s egg-stra lonely, because you and your partner can hatch a whole new chapter together.

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Cheryl Maguire is a freelance writer whose work has been published in The New York Times, National Geographic, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, Parents Magazine, Healthline and many other publications. She is a professional member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors.