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When the time came, I knew that my mother needed to move into a nursing home. She knew it, too.
Because of her poor balance, she’d had several falls during the previous year and suffered broken bones that required hospitalizations. It was no longer safe for her to live alone in her apartment, and we could not afford to hire round-the-clock aides to stay with her. Providing her with good care in an appealing, well-run facility seemed to make good sense.
Like a trouper, my mother agreed to go. I made the logistical arrangements. And then I felt overwhelming guilt.
As I mulled over this big decision we were making, I repeatedly asked myself one damning question: Couldn’t I have done more to help her remain in her home?
Perhaps I should have withdrawn money from my kids’ college accounts or my retirement funds to pay for more home care for her, though even having an aide right next to her did not always prevent her from falling. She strongly opposed moving into my house. Yet I still dwelled on having possibly let her down.
The decision to move a relative into a nursing home is often among the most excruciating that caregivers make. In one 2019 research study, over 50 percent of caregivers felt at least “somewhat guilty” about nursing home placement; over 13 percent felt “extremely guilty.”
These percentages are likely to have increased in the last four years, as some Americans have lost confidence in nursing homes after the pandemic revealed many facilities’ inadequate staffing and infection control. For family members with severe dementia and/or physical disabilities who can no longer care for their own basic needs, however, it is still a necessity to find them 24/7 hands-on care.
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