My Sibling Won’t Stop Complaining About the Bills for Our Shared Vacation Home

Our etiquette columnist offers advice on how to address the bellyaching

Lizzie Post,

AARP

Comments

Published October 24, 2025

a man speaks into a megaphone on top of a house, which has a roof that looks like a calculator

Jon Krause

Around 1 in 4 millennials and 1 in 5 Gen Xers say they expect to receive an inheritance, according to Northwestern Mutual’s 2025 Planning & Progress Study. For some, that bequest will include a vacation home from their parents.

But siblings don’t always agree on how shared vacation homes are managed and how the bills are paid. Here is our etiquette expert’s advice for one Money Manners reader.

My four siblings and I inherited a small vacation cabin from our mother. We all get along and decided to keep it, sharing maintenance costs equally. One sibling lives there in the summer and handles upkeep; another manages the finances. Major expenses are discussed together, but routine costs like taxes and insurance are not.

A few times a year, the sibling in charge of finances emails a cost breakdown and each person’s share. Every time, one sibling complains about the expense, even though their finances are as good as — or better than — ours. We want this sibling to feel included, and no one wants to suggest a buyout, since that might imply they’re unwelcome. How should we handle this?

First off, kudos to you and your siblings. Aside from the consistent complainer, it sounds like you have a great system worked out. I also love hearing that your intention is for this vocal sibling to still feel welcome and included and that you want to approach this with care.

A few strategies come to mind. The first may not be the most satisfying, but it’s worth asking: Does the cabin-dwelling sibling feel OK anticipating and rolling with these complaints, and treating them as just part of the gig?

Most Popular

Another option — one that could be more satisfying since it would allow the cabin-dwelling sibling to address how the complaints are impacting them — is for the sibling who’s maintaining the property to voice their perspective: “Jim, I feel pretty rotten when you criticize the costs for keeping the cabin running. I work hard to keep expenses down and make sure they’re reasonable for everyone so that we can all enjoy it. I’d like you to consider how it comes across when you complain about the bills.”

However, that approach may not be right for everyone. And while I appreciate that it allows the person to share how their sibling’s frequent gripes are affecting them, it doesn’t acknowledge that the sibling doing the complaining has concerns as well.

What I suggest is that the sibling who is handling the bookkeeping find out more about the nature of their sibling’s complaints and explore whether the current system is truly working for everyone. For instance: “Jim, I’ve noticed that you’ve had concerns about how much is being spent to keep up the cabin. It’s making me think this system we have going, where Kathy lives at the cabin in the summer and I manage the books, might not be working for you. Do you have any suggestions for how we should do things differently?” This way, you’ve given the complaining sibling some space to say what might be at the root of his criticism — or you might realize that they’re just complaining because they always do about costs, whether here or at the grocery store.

Inclusion can be a powerful tool. This could be an opportunity to bring your sibling into the money-management aspect of owning the cabin, or allow them to take a more active role in researching cost-saving options when repairs and improvements are needed.

Bottom line: It’s important, especially where family members are concerned, to leave room to hear the other person, and to let them hear themselves.

%{postComment}%

Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.

Unlock Access to AARP Members Edition

Join AARP to Continue

Already a Member? Login

Recommended for You

Benefits Recommended For You

See All