How to Tame Your Fear of Death

Leaving this world doesn’t have to be scary. Here’s how to cope

Robin L. Flanigan,

AARP

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En español

Published June 18, 2025

A photograph with lens flare shows a close-up of a yellow wildflower lit by the setting sun.

Natalia Ganelin/Getty Images

We have a lot of euphemisms for dying: Pass away, kick the bucket, bite the dust.

The terms bring some levity to a topic many would prefer to … lay to rest.

“If you’re going to get the benefits of life, that means having the disadvantage of having to die one day,” says Michael R. Edelstein, 80, a clinical psychologist in Tiburon, California. “But most people don’t want to die, and some people escalate that into a fear.”

Here’s why so many of us think the way we do about death — and how to change our fear of the inevitable into something positive.

Why we have a hard time accepting death

We generally see death as a bad thing because it makes us uncomfortable. Gary Wederspahn, 84, a board member of the Final Exit Network, a nonprofit that educates people about practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, says it’s “almost a mental block; it’s [so] unpleasant to think about.” Wederspahn, who lives in St. Paul, Minnesota, is also the co-founder of the Good Death Society blog, which covers such topics as end-of-life challenges and choices, and new ways to talk to each other in our dying days.

Think of death as a celebration of life

When fear becomes a phobia

An intense fear of death or the dying process is called thanatophobia, also known as death anxiety. Symptoms include intense feelings of panic, dread or depression when thinking about death, and they may make it difficult to function at work or in social situations, according to the Cleveland Clinic. Psychotherapy can help by enabling people to talk through and process their fear and anxiety.

Wederspahn, who served in the Peace Corps and was a cross-cultural communications consultant before he retired, says in many other countries, “dying was just a natural part of living, and people had very little, if any, inhibition in thinking and talking about it.”

In Mexico, for example, El Día de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead) is an annual and joyful celebration of the memory of deceased ancestors.

A custom like El Día de los Muertos reduces the fear of dying by normalizing it — celebrating deceased loved ones with a joyous celebration — making it very much a thin veil between life and death, Wederspahn says.

Desensitize yourself by talking about death

If you aren’t part of a culture that celebrates or discusses death openly, put yourself in situations where you can practice doing just that. Wederspahn says ideally, you should do so “in a safe environment, with people who are more comfortable with mortality.”

For instance, death cafes are places where strangers meet over tea and refreshments to discuss end-of-life issues.

Include dying people in your everyday life

Older adults today are often cared for in for-profit spaces, separated from their family and community in hospitals, nursing homes and then, when they die, funeral homes. “But we need to make more room for family and community participation, whether that’s additional time with their [loved ones], creating meaningful rituals or helping to provide those final acts of care. We need to help people speak more openly about death and dying,” says Sarah Chavez, 53, executive director and cofounder of the Death Positive Movement, which began in 2011 to help people speak more openly about death, dying and end-of-life plans.

“We are so far removed from knowing what death looks like anymore. I think it creates this kind of breeding ground for our imaginations to run wild,” says Los Angeles–based Chavez.

Share your end-of-life wishes. encourage loved ones to do the same

Chavez points out that we tend to plan for many major life events — getting married, buying a house, moving after retirement — but neglect to talk with family and friends about how we want to receive end-of-life care.

Have that conversation. It can bring some comfort, says Chavez, who counts experiencing pain while dying as one of her biggest fears. For example, quality of life is more important to her than life-sustaining interventions, and she has made sure her loved ones know that.

“I always say that end-of-life planning should not occur on the deathbed,” she says.

Planning for your death is a way to preserve your personal agency, says Wederspahn: “If you do what’s required to be prepared so that you have more choice at the end of life, you lose some fear [that] other people are going to take things over and make decisions for you and treat you in a way that exacerbatedthe pain of dying.”

Find a way to keep your legacy alive

When we think about how individuals who’ve died have impacted our lives, we often start wondering about the mark we might make on others, says Erin E. Emery-Tiburcio, a geropsychologist (a psychologist who specializes in aging and older adults), professor and codirector of the Rush Center for Excellence in Aging in Chicago. “We can’t necessarily control how we impact the world or other people, but at least we can make efforts in that direction to be more likely that we will be able to leave the legacies that we desire,” Emery-Tiburcio says.

Whether or not you believe you’re close to death, it can be meaningful to share with your family the items and memories you want them to hold dear and pass down after you’re gone. If a holiday hallmark for the family is Grandma’s cake, says Chavez, make sure she writes that recipe down for younger generations. (Depending on the circumstances, it may even be special to have Grandma bake the cake one last time so pieces can go in the freezer, she notes.)

Handwritten letters from loved ones who have died to be opened on birthdays and wedding days are other treasures that can keep a connection alive, Chavez says.

Live in the present

Eighty-one-year-old Cheri Huber, author of The Fear Book: Facing Fear Once and for All, says people over 50 tend to spend too much time thinking about how there’s likely more life behind them than ahead — only to come to the conclusion that they’re not happy, despite spending a lot of time on what they thought was going to make them happy.

Multiple research studies have shown that the more we live in the present moment, the less we suffer, says Emery-Tiburcio.

“Turns out the two days we can’t do anything about are yesterday and tomorrow,” she says. “How can we most enjoy, or get the most meaning out of, today?”

Huber, who lives in Squim, Washington, suggests getting in touch with the present moment by redirecting attention when fear takes hold. Sometimes, she turns to nature and observes, “It’s a beautiful sunny day, the sky is blue and clear, the trees are magnificent, the air is fresh and sweet,” she says. “That’s what’s really going on.”

If all else fails, try humor, says Edelstein, who suggests remembering a quote often attributed to actor and director Woody Allen: “I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Accept that part of death is the unknown

Humans like to know what to expect, and the afterlife — beliefs aside — remains a mystery. That means thoughts about the afterlife may bring up feelings of panic or terror if one’s religion threatens eternal damnation as punishment for wrongdoing.

Emery-Tiburcio says people who are unable to stop ruminating about the afterlife are unlikely to find peace.

“They’re trying to figure out the answer to a question that doesn’t have an answer,” Emery-Tiburcio says. “Who knows how much time we might have left? And if you choose to spend that time spinning, you’re likely to suffer.” Instead, Huber suggests, “Ask yourself, ‘Is this something that I would want a 4-year-old child to be told and to believe?’ And if not, if you can see the innocence of that child, you have just seen yours."

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