I Love You, but Let’s Not Get Married

After a 34-year marriage and a painful divorce (is there any other kind?), I’m in love. She’s 54, divorced too. I’m 59. We’ve known each other for 16 years, and it’s the kind of strong, snug relationship I crave at this age. Romantic, but grounded in friendship. Passionate, yet comfy like a pair of old jeans. Not puppy love, but grownup love: honest, safe, enriching, you-make-me-laugh, you-make-me-a-better-person love.

Marriage seemed like the next step. But some family and friends asked, “Do you need to get married? It’s not like you guys are having kids.” Many 50-something couples are asking that same question — and they’re trading “I do” for “Let’s not.” More than 4.8 million Americans 50 and older are cohabitating, and nearly half of those are 50 to 59, according to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.

“We know that after a gray divorce, people are more likely to opt for cohabitation than remarriage,” says Susan Brown, the center’s codirector. “People aren’t necessarily interested in combining their finances or taking on any debt.” Other factors include preserving autonomy and not disrupting a relationship with grown children.

Cari Shane, 60, understands those arguments. A freelance writer in Washington, D.C., Shane and her partner began dating in their mid-40s. They first met in college and later reconnected on Facebook. After a long-distance relationship, he moved into her row house. They ruled out marriage in their 50s to avoid entangling their money.

“I don’t see how marriage benefits us in any particular way. It actually creates negatives,” Shane says. “Why make it more complicated for his two kids and my three kids when we become elderly? It’s so much easier if my kids are using my money and his kids are using his money to take care of their parents.”

Marriage, however, can offer benefits in your 50s — both in sickness and in wealth. “Just for starters, the tax rates are lower,” says Richard Craft, a principal and adviser at World Investment Advisors in Berwyn, Pennsylvania. After one year of marriage, you’re eligible to receive a spouse’s Social Security benefits. Spouses can also make health care decisions if one becomes ill (though experts say getting medical and financial power-of-attorney documents is optimal). “If you’re living together and you get sick, your partner doesn’t have any rights,” says Patrick Simasko, a financial adviser and estate planning attorney in Mount Clemens, Michigan.

Danielle Coulanges, author of the relationship guide Marry Your Best Friend, had a family member die from a heart attack, leaving a girlfriend in her late 50s with whom he had been cohabitating for a couple of decades. “She could not handle his affairs. His ex-wife had to claim the body,” Coulanges says. “And then she found herself homeless because she had no right to the apartment.”

John Solik remarried at 56. A financial adviser with Journey Strategic Wealth in California, he says remarriage fears are often both emotional and financial. Divorcees can be scarred.