Why Am I Only Attracted to Married Men?

Our experts’ answers may surprise you

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published December 04, 2025

a graphic illustration shows an older adult woman sitting at the end of a dock. She is fishing, using a giant wedding ring as bait

Kiersten Essenpreis

Much about “the other woman” has been dissected in pop culture, and the discourse is rarely sympathetic or understanding.

Last summer, at a party, I was chatting with a woman who said she’s only attracted to married men. She said she was trying to change, but she wasn’t sure how.

Our sexuality experts really deliver the goods on this one, offering nuance and perspective that will likely surprise you. It did me. Sure, being with a married man can be taboo and hot — but familiar and safe as well? I didn’t see that one coming.

My last two relationships — one lasting eight years, the other 13 years — have been with married men. I’d like to understand why I’m attracted to married men. And how can I change my attraction to more available men?

The answer to why is summed up nicely by licensed marriage and family therapist Shadeen Francis: “At its simplest, when we are attracted to people who are unavailable, it is usually because we are also unavailable.”

Our experts break it down.

Intimacy and independence. When someone is married, there are built-in boundaries and limits. There’s only so much they can ask of you or you can ask of them, says Francis.

“The relationship can’t deepen in certain ways, and that can feel safe or desirable or comfortable if you are not looking to build that sort of life with someone,” says Francis, who is also a certified sex therapist. “You get to have intimacy to a degree but also maintain a lot of independence.”

The fantasy factor — and the risk. Some people really like being “the other woman” because there’s a fantasy aspect to it, says Francis, explaining that being an object of desire can make one feel sexy and sought-after.

Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco says a relationship like this also introduces an element of risk — and that, too, can feel hot. “It’s forbidden, taboo, addictive and feels more intense because it’s secret and private,” she notes. “It can feel really validating.”

Leaning into what’s familiar. Pasciucco says you could be modeling what you may have experienced in childhood: emotional neglect that has made you accustomed to scarcity when it comes to close relationships.

“It feels familiar, the norm almost,” she says. “It can create a cycle of highs and lows. I don’t think it’s healthy, but a lot of people are satisfied with the highs. They just love that.”

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Attraction or anxiety? Taking it a step further, Francis says that what you might experience as attraction is actually a familiar sense of anxiety.

“Our bodies don’t always know the difference between what we call excitement and the arousal that comes from risk or danger,” she says. “We sometimes mistake butterflies with the adrenaline that comes with chaos.”

She encourages you to open yourself up to a non-partnered man who is interesting to you — even if you don’t feel that rush right away.

“Available men, unpartnered men, might not feel as exciting if you’re used to a certain amount of drama,” Francis notes. “It might at first seem boring and then uncomfortable with someone who is open, present and unconflicted.” But give it a try.

Put yourself first. Pasciucco says it’s unlikely that you are the first choice in your own life if you’re with someone who is already partnered up. “If he’s putting you second, you’re probably putting yourself second.”

Instead of riding on that high-low, push-pull feeling you’re getting from being with someone who is married, she says to instead focus on your wants and needs. Ask yourself: “What do I like to do?” and “What fulfills me?” Then incorporate those things into your life. “That’s where the transformation comes in,” she says.

Dig deeper. Licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson encourages you to consult a therapist who can help you challenge your thoughts.

A top question she suggests you explore: “What do I get out of a relationship with someone who is married?”

Once you uncover the answers, Harris-Jackson says there’s an opportunity to enter into a relationship with an unpartnered man who checks those boxes.

“If some of those benefits are about the excitement, OK, that’s great. Maybe have ongoing multiple relationships with single people,” she says. “Look for someone you can have a good time with but not commit to.”

The ethical approach to a three-way relationship. Once you figure out the qualities in a relationship you crave, relationship coach Stella Harris says to ask yourself: “What’s an ethical way I can get these hot things?”

She suggests that you consider an ethically nonmonogamous man, meaning his partner is on board with him seeing other people. Many dating apps include ethical nonmonogamy in their categories.

“I want people to live lives that they love,” Francis says. “If the relationship is not causing harm to themselves and others, an arrangement with a married man would work if all three parties consent.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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