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My Wife Took Sex Off the Table, and I Feel Trapped
One partner wants sex. The other does not. It’s more common than you might think
Kiersten Essenpreis
This week’s tricky topic involves a couple, together for decades, who are on opposite ends of the divide when it comes to sex. Him, yes. Her, absolutely not.
I like how certified sex therapist Rachel Needle interprets their differences: “You are not a villain for wanting intimacy. And your wife is not a villain for no longer desiring it. But the silence or standoff between you can become a real problem.”
Our sexuality and relationship experts offer guidance.
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My wife of 45 years took sex off the table a decade ago. She has zero desire. I have been faithful, but not without some hard feelings. I feel trapped. I floated the idea of finding sex outside of our marriage, but she’s afraid I’ll fall in love and that it will wreck our family. Seems my choices are tough it out until I die or step out in secret. I’m dying for sexual intimacy. Thoughts?
First off, there are many more choices than the options you and your partner lay out. Our experts map it out for you.
Step one: Consult a therapist. It sounds like you have talked about your sexual impasse, but before making any major decisions, Needle suggests that you talk again — this time with a couples therapist who can help you unpack “the why.”
Issues to explore: Has your wife shut down because of physical discomfort? Trauma? Shame? Medical issues? A loss of emotional connection? What can you do as a couple so each of you feels alive, seen, connected?
Even if sex truly is off the table, Needle says a skilled therapist can help both of you understand the emotional dynamics — resentment, rejection, grief, fear — that have likely built up over time.
“Sometimes these conversations open the door to unexpected compromises, empathy or even new understandings of what intimacy might look like,” adds Needle, codirector of Florida-based Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing-education provider offering a doctorate in clinical sexology. “The right help can offer you a path forward that honors both your needs and your history together.”
Explore nontraditional ways to have sex. If traditional sex is off the table, what is still on it?
“A lot of people think that at a certain age, ‘That’s it. This is our lot in life,’ ” says licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson, who heads Hope & Serenity Health Services, a women’s mental health agency in Altamonte Springs, Florida. “That’s actually not the case at all.”
Harris-Jackson suggests exploring alternatives to penetrative sex — as an example, giving your wife a gentle body massage and then rubbing your body against her breasts or thighs.
“It’s a give-and-take,” she says. “It feels intimate and loving without having insertion.”
Other sexual play to explore:
Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman recommends soaping each other up in a shower, watching or listening to erotica together, or trying out soft handcuffs or blindfolds.
Afterward, Fleishman says to talk about what it felt like. Did you feel aroused? Did you feel connected? “The important part is to honor each other’s ability to expand your notions of what sex is like for you both right now.”
About those choices. It’s one thing for your wife to decide she doesn’t want to have sex and another thing altogether for her to say that you can’t, says sex, dating and relationship coach Gretchen Shanks, who calls it untenable and unfair.
As Shanks frames it: “Now you are in a situation where you are naturally going to be looking out for someone — and not necessarily intentionally — who makes you feel alive. It’s not an uncommon situation.”
What to consider:
- Explore eroticism for self-pleasure. Figure out how to connect to your own erotic energy by exploring masturbation and porn, Shanks says. “Get creative.”
- Renegotiate the terms of your relationship. Some long-married couples, especially in later life, do consider consensual non-monogamy or intimate friendships when sexual needs are no longer met in their relationship, according to Needle. If you haven’t broached the subject in a while, she suggests that you do so again.
But, she says, such arrangements only work when both partners are on board and feel emotionally secure, adding, “Secrecy usually causes more damage — not just to the marriage, but to your sense of integrity.”
Additionally, licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent urges you to consider that stepping out in secret seems like a dangerous idea for your health and safety, due to concerns about sexually transmitted infections.
- Leave. Certified mediator and relationship coach Stella Harris believes your current relationship is unsustainable and that your resentments will continue to build until they come to a head.
“Not to be morbid, but you only have so much time left,” she says. “If you wait another 10 years and hit the breaking point, I guarantee you will wish you had broken out of this sooner and had the experiences you want to have.”
Parting thoughts. You won’t die without sex. “It’s not food, water, air or sleep, but it is a part of our health and well-being,” Harris says. “It’s a tragedy to live the rest of your life without any form of sex.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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