My Girlfriend’s Son Doesn’t Trust Me

Take it slow and see it from their perspective, say the experts

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published May 07, 2026

When you’re dating someone new, it’s always a bit nerve-wracking to meet their kids. You want them to like you, whether they are young or already grown. And while you might try your best to make a good impression, sometimes you just don’t.

As certified sex therapist Chris Fariello parses it, “There are lots of issues when new partners come into people’s lives. There are always feelings — lots of feelings [with family members] .... It’s disruptive of the status quo.”

Our sexuality and relationship experts help this reader figure out if this situation is a dealbreaker.

I just started a relationship with a wonderful woman, but her adult son seems very distrustful of me. I feel like it’s starting to affect our relationship. What can I do?

It’s common for an adult child to feel protective when a parent starts a new relationship. “The adult son was once a child, and that little boy is still in there protecting his mom,” explains certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco.

And that’s OK, according to relationship coach Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast Talk Sex With Annette. “They may have watched a parent go through a divorce, financial betrayal [by a partner] or an ex who was abusive, and their defenses are up,” she says. “It’s a sign of deep attachment. It’s a good thing.”

Consider the son’s perspective. Fariello, who heads the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, says adult children often fear that their parent is going to provide the partner with financial resources or invite them on family trips. If the partner is spending a lot of time at the house, Fariello says it can feel like an invasion of space.

Take some time for introspection. Is it possible, Benedetti wonders, that you triggered the son’s behavior without knowing it? Her questions for you: Did you do something that crossed a boundary you didn’t know existed? Did you overstep too early, make a joke that went wrong or insert yourself into family business before earning a seat at the table?

Maybe your partner can weigh in on what she has observed.

Talk to your partner. Benedetti’s advice: Coming from a place of compassion, ask your partner open-ended questions like “Has your son shared what’s bothering him?” and “Has something happened?”

Listen carefully to her response — and take it all in. “This is data,” Benedetti says. “Get curious about where the distrust lives, where it’s coming from and what’s feeding it.”

Fariello, however, recommends avoiding bringing up the issue in a defensive manner with your partner, because that could prompt your partner to feel the need to protect the child and get defensive in turn. Instead, he says, be empathetic and enlist her. Ask: “What would you like my relationship with him to be? Here’s what I would like. What might be a good way to do that?”

Also, anticipate some actions you might take if the son continues to shut you down.

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“What are we going to do when the son doesn’t want me to come over? When he complains about me? When he says something unkind to me?” Fariello says. “Let’s talk about the ways we can handle that if and when it happens.”

If the son has said things that are harmful or disrespectful to you, certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis says not to step in as a “tertiary parent.” Rather, gently bring it up with your partner.

Tell her: “This is what happened, and here’s how I feel about it.” Francis adds it’s important that she doesn’t feel like she’s being put in the middle, so let her take the lead on whether she wants to intervene or not.

Don’t rush things. Trust isn’t built through charm or grandiose acts but through showing up as someone who is consistently kind and dependable, according to Benedetti.

Her advice: Follow up on things you say. Respect the child-parent bond. Don’t demand to be liked in a certain amount of time.

“You can’t expect him to just like you,” says sex and relationship coach Karen Bigman, host of the podcast Taboo to Truth: Life & Sex After 50.

Francis says trust is built over time — and it can take a while. “Let him see you being the man that you want to be known as,” she advises. “Respect his pace.”

Talk to the son. If your relationship with the parent is far enough along, licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson says to be open to creating your own relationship with the adult child.

Harris-Jackson, CEO of Hope & Serenity Mental Health Counseling and Wellness Center in Maitland, Florida, suggests asking him to lunch at a neutral location, such as a restaurant.

“Get to know him, and give him the opportunity to know who you are and what your intentions and thoughts are,” she says. “This will help significantly. I find that 90 percent of people go away from lunch thinking: ‘Oh my gosh! That wasn’t bad at all.’ ”

Parting thoughts. Benedetti recommends protecting the together time with your partner, creating a space where the two of you can wholeheartedly enjoy each other without thoughts of conflict.

“Keep feeding that private world by hugging, touching and reassuring her that ‘I am here for you,’ ” she says. “You don’t want everything to become about this conflict.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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