My Wife Won’t Do Anything by Herself. Is That Normal?

Set aside time that is yours alone. Certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis says it sounds like separateness is important to your sense of self.

Guard it, she says. How you use that time — gardening, bike riding, spending time with friends — is less important than ensuring you protect that essential time for yourself.

“This helps you for when you are spending quality time with your wife, so it doesn’t feel like your shared time is in competition with the separate time you also value,” Francis explains.

(Gently) establish boundaries. Talk to your wife about how you feel, and be sure to exercise “loving boundaries” around “No, thank you.”

Francis says it won’t be easy: “You have to accept that you may disappoint the person you love, and that can be hard.”

Needle suggests approaching it gently, not as a criticism but as a shared goal. One possible conversation opener: “I love spending time with you, and I also think it’s important for both of us to have things that are just our own.” 

She says framing it like that keeps it from feeling like rejection.

Spend time together, but differently. Licensed marriage and family therapist Amanda Pasciucco suggests spending time together, but apart.

As examples, break up your routine at home. If one person goes to the basement to work on a project, the other reads in the den. Or go to the gym together and book a personal trainer for different time slots.

“You’re in the same place, but you’re doing different things,” Pasciucco says.

Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris recommends checking out what’s on offer at your local community center. Oftentimes it’ll have weight lifting in one room and stamp collecting in another. “Go to the center together and participate in separate activities,” she says. “It’s a baby step into building more friends and activities.”

Expand your circle to deepen your relationship. Together time tends to be more exciting when you have had time to miss each other, think about each other, be curious about each other: when you have your solo experiences to talk about when you come back together, Harris says.

Francis says retirement tends to be a time when people are actively looking for new hobbies and friends — and you may be surprised by how many local business associations, community centers and even faith communities host events, classes, programs and social gatherings geared specifically to retirees. 

“Together time is more vibrant when you feel more confident and independent and have your own story to share,” adds Harris. “Your relationship will benefit.”

Talk about what you want retirement to look like. For a lot of folks, retirement is the first time they are completely untethered — and that can be destabilizing.   

Francis wonders if you’ve set clear expectations about what you want to experience in retirement. If you haven’t, she says it is important that you do.

She says to consider conversation openers like: “What are the things you’d be excited to experience or accomplish now?” or “Here are things I’d like to do on my own, things I’d like to do with specific people, things I’d love to do with you. What are you imagining?” 

Your worry about your wife if something happens to you. Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing education provider in the field of clinical sexology, says your concern is important.

“This is less about independence in the moment and more about long-term confidence,” she says. “Supporting her in feeling capable on her own, whether that’s socially, emotionally or even practically, can benefit both of you.”

Brandon believes conversations about this are challenging but ultimately useful.

“Talk about what it would be like for you if she passes first, and ask her what she imagines about the opposite scenario. In this way, you can both problem-solve together and [determine] how best to prepare,” she says. “Perhaps that can motivate her to be more independent now.”

Bottom line. A healthy relationship is usually a mix of togetherness and separateness.

“You want to enjoy each other but not become each other’s entire world,” Needle says. “Strong couples don’t just spend time together, they also make space to be individuals.”