What Is Your Take on ‘Friends With Benefits’ for Older Adults?

An intimate relationship with no strings attached can be a great fit for the 50-plus crowd, say our experts

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published April 23, 2026

an illustration shows two older adults leaning over dual balconies, attempting to kiss

Kiersten Essenpreis

Hooking up with someone you trust and are attracted to without the responsibilities of a committed relationship? Sign me up.

I like the idea of friends with benefits — and like it even more after interviewing sex and relationship experts for this column. Done well, they say, it can be perfect for older adults not looking to change their whole life for someone or settle down.

What’s your take on “friends with benefits”? Does it become confusing? Reader email submitted by P.B.

Friends with benefits used to be viewed as largely negative — an ambiguous, noncommittal relationship that was perceived as almost unfaithful, says licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson.

Not nearly as much now. Harris-Jackson says many older adults in particular aren’t looking for marriage as much as they are seeking healthy connections on their own terms.

Choose your friends (with benefits) wisely. The beauty of a friends-with-benefits relationship that blossoms from an established friendship is you have trust built in already, says sex and relationship coach Stella Harris.

“The important hurdles are met already,” she says.

As sexologist Sue Milstein frames it: “You can feel like you are having your physical needs met without having to get tangled up in a [new and unknown] relationship.”

The joy of your own life. Another advantage for older adults: Many have already been married and don’t want to go down that path again, according to sex and relationship coach Annette Benedetti. It also removes any hassles involved in merging households, finances and families.

“It can be fantastic, especially later in life,” Benedetti says.

How to make it work. If our experts have one overarching message, it is this: Make sure the arrangement is fully understood and endorsed by both parties.

As Milstein notes: “As long as you are open and upfront, it can have a great space in your life.”

To ensure clarity, Harris-Jackson says, it’s important to discuss what each of you wants. Why? “Every person has a different definition,” she notes.

For some, she says, a friends-with-benefits arrangement can mean dating around and maybe even having sex with other people. For others, it could mean only dating and having sex with each other. And there are a whole lot of options in between.

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Other considerations, according to Benedetti: How often will you sleep together — one night a month, one night a week? Will that involve staying overnight?

Benedetti, host of the podcast Talk Sex With Annette, says it’s also a good idea to talk about what the relationship looks like outside of the bedroom. Do you want to hold hands in public or not? When you go out to dinner with people you know, do you act like a couple? Do you tell your families?

“The thing that’s important to realize is that the world’s your oyster as long as you both are on board. Be creative with that, honest with that, and if it’s not working, be OK with that,” she says.

About that friendship. Certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis suggests that you also discuss the nonsexual elements of the friendship that you want to maintain.

For example, Francis says: Can you call each other when you are lonely or bored, as you did when you were just friends? “It’s easy to blur the line between what part of this is the friendship part and what part of this is the benefits part,” she says.

If things get … complicated. Friends with benefits can become a problem when one person wants something the other one doesn’t.

The classic example, according to Milstein: Two people agree to terms while one of them secretly hopes it turns into a committed relationship.

As Harris parses it: “You can’t do it with ulterior motives. It’s not a sneaky way into a relationship.”

Milstein, cohost of the podcast Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations About Sex, says the mismatch can lead to jealousy, resentfulness and disappointment.

Keep checking in. Sex is about a lot of things — including trust, vulnerability, play, curiosity and, hopefully, pleasure, says Francis, adding: “And within all of that, sex involves feelings.”

As a friends-with-benefits arrangement progresses, Francis suggests checking in with yourself and the other person periodically to make sure it’s still working for both of you.

“Know that you can come to the table and renegotiate,” Benedetti adds.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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