How to Parent an Adult Child With Addiction

Look for signs of withdrawal to identify the problem as addiction

Signs of withdrawal are a key way to know if drug usage is an addiction, according to Levy. What does withdrawal look like? Trembling and tremors, fatigue, changes in pupil size, agitation or irritability, appetite changes, and insomnia, among other symptoms.

Also important to identifying addiction: Ask yourself if your adult child is functioning? 

Assess whether your adult child is able to function in their day-to-day life, says Levy. Questions to consider, according to Levy: 

• Do they need more and more financial support? 
• Are they having trouble in school or at work? 
• Are they distancing themselves from the family? 
• Have they changed their social circle? 
• Are they paying less attention to how they dress or groom themselves? 

"These signs are nonspecific, but indicate there is a problem, so if you see them, it’s worth investigating.”

Find a professional who can help

Addiction isn’t a simple, one-size-fits-all problem.So according to Levy, finding someone in the health community who can help you understand the nature of your adult child’s use and what led them to drugs can be crucial for creating an effective treatment plan.

There is an extra layer of complication with an adult child who needs to let you be involved. If your child will give you access to their medical providers and information, Levy says to start with the child’s primary care provider. If they can’t help, Levy says to ask for a referral to an addiction medicine specialist or a mental health provider.

Levy says to insist on a full evaluation to get to the root of the drug addiction. “The good news is that substance use disorders are treatable, usually with a combination of medication and psychosocial support,” Levy says.

Know what kind of treatment center your child needs

Levy says many substance abuse disorders can be treated with outpatient care, which may be easier for patients to accept than residential treatment.

However, there are instances when residential care may be necessary, says Levy — particularly for people with drug addiction who have thoughts about harming themselves or others, or if they are dealing with a physical or mental health disorder that needs to be stabilized or if they don’t have a stable environment to support recovery.

But, says Levy, “residential treatment must be voluntary (unless there is a court order), so parents cannot mandate that their [adult] child be admitted.”

D’Onofrio warns parents that expensive doesn’t necessarily mean good when it comes to residential centers, as some pricey options do not provide “evidence-based care.” So be sure to use one recommended by a health care professional.

Be ready to assist your adult child with logistics and financials

It’s likely your child will need help navigating not only what kind of treatment to pursue but also the paperwork that goes with it.

“Many young adults have difficulty finding a health care provider, navigating insurance, scheduling appointments and even transportation, so, if possible, offer to help them with these pieces,” Levy says.

According to healthcare.gov, all marketplace insurance plans must cover substance use disorder (commonly known as substance abuse) treatment. But according to the website, “Your specific behavioral health benefits will depend on your state and the health plan you choose.”

Be involved in your child’s care plan — if you can

Levy recommends offering to participate in your child’s care. However, parents need to know when to step back if their child doesn’t want help or would rather receive it from someone else.

“If they prefer to invite a romantic partner or go it alone, respect that boundary for them. Any care is better than no care,” says Levy.

When your child has little interest in getting help

D’Onofrio stresses that because they are an adult, your child has to be motivated to get better on their own. You can’t force them to. It’s also a long road. “Addiction is a chronic disease and will need continual care in some fashion,”  D’Onofrio says. “Parents are in a particular bind, making sure that their loved one gets the care they need, even when they do not think they need it.”

Don’t give up, says Peterson. “Keep trying to motivate them and get therapy and support on ways to do that,” Peterson says.

Levy says most people struggling with drug addiction want to quit, but find that overcoming cravings and withdrawal symptoms can be challenging. “When people quit, they essentially are removing a chemical that was making them feel good,” she says, adding that while being off the drug will get easier over time, sometimes it may seem like your child isn’t interested in getting better.

Levy also emphasizes that when times get tough, try to resist any urge to cut ties completely with your adult child. “Every situation is different, of course, but I can’t think of a situation in which cutting ties with a child is helpful to anyone.”

Celebrate the small steps

Levy says behavioral change requires time and patience, so it’s important to be positive about every step in the right direction.

“Positive reinforcers work better than negative ones, so look for opportunities to give your child positive feedback or small rewards,” she says. It can be as simple as telling them you know how hard they are working to overcome their addiction or making them their favorite dinner, Levy says. She also warns against large gifts, which she says set a precedent for a level of excitement and expectation that will be hard to sustain.

Don’t neglect your own mental health

“A parent loves their children no matter what, just like they would with any disease, [but] it’s not easy at times, especially with threats or explosiveness,” Peterson says. “This is why support [for the parent] is crucial.”

Levy says researchers in the 2022 study found that self-help groups can be beneficial for parents, even if the experience is not perfect. “All of this underscores the need for parents of adult children with addiction to take care of themselves and get the help they need,” she says. 

Al-Anon and SMART Recovery Family & Friends are free and widely available options for parents to explore, Levy suggests. She says other outlets for support might include your church, synagogue or mosque, or close friends. Just be sure whoever you speak to will respect your child’s privacy, she adds.

Peterson also emphasizes the importance of self-care and finding support when you’re a parent of a child with addiction.

“It’s a nightmarish struggle some days, like living on an out-of-control roller coaster,” Peterson says. “The best thing a family can do is get support or therapy for themselves … Peer support is also important because it’s a lonely place to be and when you are around others who understand without judgment, it’s helpful.”