AARP Study: Gen X Men Value Friendship but Struggle to Stay Social

This difference between male and female friendship stems partially from how men and women each think of friends — either as someone to talk to or someone to do things with. “The data shows men lean toward ‘doing’ over ‘talking,’ ” says Jordan Green, communications manager for AARP Research.

“Men connect through shared activities and humor, and are less likely than women to discuss major life issues or vent,” Green says. “They often emphasize presence, loyalty and shared experiences over verbal intimacy.”

This lack of verbal intimacy may help men maintain long-term friendships because that is the norm, but Bridges suggests that it may also leave men feeling isolated when facing a serious problem. “Men may think It feels weird to call now that my life’s falling apart and I want to establish that connection,” Bridges says.

The sandwich generation is feeling the time crunch

The study found that in-person communication has declined over the past six years, and adults cite “no time” as the primary reason for the lack of depth in their friendships. This can be an especially tough situation for anyone with minor children and aging parents, i.e., the sandwich generation.

“You might meet and feel a connection with other members of the sandwich generation through that shared experience,” Bridges says, “but the same things that could emotionally bring you together are also the things that are logistically keeping you apart from your friends.”

Between caring for kids who are still at home and helping aging parents, Gen Xers are struggling to find the time for friendship. “Our research suggests that life stage pressures like work, marriage and caregiving, as well as logistical barriers contribute to reduced connection,” Green says.

Gen X women feel the squeeze of caring for children and parents as well — and while women in this cohort also struggle with loneliness, their rate of isolation is lower.

That is partially because women use technology for friendship differently than men do.

“Women are more likely to use technology to stay connected,” Bridges says. “But men are more likely to use it for coordination of activities.”

“The research notes that men often lack structured ways to maintain friendships as they age,” Green says. “This implies that men’s networks may be more vulnerable to collapse without intentional maintenance.”

Check in to avoid feeling left out

Choi-Allum points out that many Gen X men in the thick of sandwich-generation caregiving may be thinking of friendship in too narrow terms. “Even if you can’t get together, small touch points where it’s just sending a text once a week, that’s better than nothing at all — and it doesn’t seem like such a heavy lift,” she says.

This kind of regular, intentional check-in via text or other technology can help bridge the gap for men — or any adults struggling with loneliness — when spending in-person time with friends is simply not in the cards.

Bridges reports how a group of friends interviewed for the study embraced this philosophy with a ritual they called “Wednesday Waffle.”

“They’d all take two minutes to create a video of themselves talking and share it with each other each Wednesday,” Bridges says. Calling it a “Waffle,” which is British and Australian slang for chatting with no specific subject in mind, emphasized the casual nature of these videos. There was no need to stress about how they looked or what they said.

“They don’t have time to get on the phone together,” Bridges says. “But this way everyone can stay up to date on what’s happening in each other’s lives without trying to coordinate a time when they can all get together.”

The bottom line

Male friendships often stand the test of time, lasting 20 years or more, but men still report feeling left out and longing for deeper and more meaningful friendships. This male friendship paradox, especially acute for Gen X men, shows how the common friendship scripts men follow can both help and hinder making and keeping healthy relationships.

When men embrace creative ways for technology to let them stay connected with their friends, they can deepen their relationships and reap the benefits.

“Friendships are not just nice to have,” Choi-Allum says. “They are essential to your overall well-being. It really does have an impact on your health, your emotional health and your mental health.”