12 Key Things to Consider Before Caregiving for a Parent

Talk to them about what measures they have in place already — and those they might want to put in place, she says. Do they have advanced directives? What about healthcare and financial power of attorney? Are you familiar with their healthcare team? Where they prefer to live? Once you are aware of what matters most to them, then you can confidently take action, she says.

5. Accept that change is a constant.

“The status quo doesn’t last,” says Abbit. “Change is a constant.”

Years ago, after she moved her parents into an assisted living facility, Abbit initially thought they were precisely where they needed to be for the rest of their lives. Wrong. One parent developed dementia, and the assisted living facility had no staff to help with that. So, she had to make changes.

“Just when you think you have their needs under control, something changes,” she says.

6. Consider the support you will need.

Successful caregiving isn’t just planning for what support your folks will need, but also the support you will need, says Peter Boling, professor of geriatric medicine and division chief at the Department of Geriatric Medicine at Virginia Commonwealth University.

What will that support be? Physical? Financial? Emotional? Or all of the above? Perhaps you’ll need some support from your employer if you’ll be missing some work. Or maybe you’ll be missing church meetings or other social events with friends. “You need space to be a person,” he says.

7. Recognize there is no such thing as role reversal.

When we suddenly realize that our parents are changing physically or mentally, it’s not uncommon to come on very strong in our response because we don’t want anything to happen to them, says Loverde. We might approach them as if we are now the boss and want to “parent” them. That won’t work. “The parent is always the parent, and we are always their child,” she says. “Instead of saying, ‘Let me do this for you.’ Ask, ‘Would you like my help?’ … Keep parents in a parental position out of respect.”

8. Know when to ask for help.

Don’t even think about becoming a caregiver without creating a backup system, says Dale. Have complete clarity on whether you need to be with your parents 24/7 — or if there is someone who can regularly come in and give you a break to stave off burnout. Talk to your loved one’s healthcare providers about state and community resources available and reach out to siblings, neighbors and friends who may be willing to run errands or drive a loved one to appointments.

What’s more, you need to have a detailed backup plan in case you get sick or have your own doctor’s appointment — or simply need a mental health break. What if a spouse — or partner —gets sick? Put contingency plans in place before an emergency occurs.

9. You may feel guilt when you make an honest mistake or you take a break from caregiving.

To deal with that guilt, says Abbit, it’s helpful to repeat this mantra to yourself: I made the best decision I could based on the information I had at the time.

Caregivers are most commonly wracked with guilt for taking any time off, says Abbit, particularly if things head south when they do.

“Guilt is our constant companion in the role of caregiver,” says Loverde. “We can’t get rid of it, but we have to learn to manage it.” 

10. Learn to treat both parents as individuals.

Remember, your parents will not age the same. They are individuals with individual health needs, says Loverde. It’s important to treat them that way. “Be prepared for the day when parents may have to go separate ways for the care they need,” she says.

11. Understand the secret sauce to success is trust between a parent and an adult child.

Trust is not a given in any relationship, says Loverde. A lot of times an adult child will walk into a room and ask rapid fire, “How are you feeling? How did you sleep? Did you take your meds?” We don’t establish trust with these kinds of questions. Instead, she says, you can simply say, “Hey, it’s really good to see you. What’s on your agenda today?”

Focusing on your relationship with them is what will help your parents feel safer, says Loverde. “If trust isn’t present in the relationship, it will be a struggle all the way.”

12. Consider an exit strategy.

For all the love and well-meaning intentions involved in becoming a caregiver for one of your parents, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. “You need to think about an exit strategy,” says Boling. “Under what circumstances would you get out of the role?”

That means, in advance, having someone or something else in mind to replace you as the caregiver, he says. Determine: Would you ever consider moving your parents into a care facility? Boling knows of family caregivers who had to stop for their well-being. It’s important to remember, he says, that if you are suffering, you can’t give good care to a parent.