Pandemic Changes How Friends and Families Mourn

That's a good thing, according to David Kessler, 61, an author and expert on grief and healing. He says don't delay the rituals, even if the restrictions triggered by the pandemic mean that traditions must be modified. “If your loved one died today, this is your moment to grieve. This is your month to grieve,” he says. “You can always have another physical get-together later."

Psychologist Alan Wolfelt, 65, who founded the Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, agrees that people who have lost someone to COVID-19 or any other cause should consider a small ceremony now and a larger gathering later. “Anything that delays a funeral delays the natural mourning process,” he says. “It's better to do something than nothing."

As the disease spreads, people have felt “shock, protest, disorientation, confusion and regret,” says Wolfelt, who has “walked with thousands of persons in grief,” including some who lost loved ones in the September 11 terrorist attacks. “There's a heightened sense of loss or emptiness or sadness — all normal human emotions of grief."

But what to do is the question in a time in which customs of culture, family tradition and religious observance can't be followed.

Now mourners are taking part virtually in visitations, funeral services and burials. Families use video or audio streaming and video chats in an effort to enable some participation by those who want to grieve together.

In suburban Atlanta, 41-year-old funeral director Ellen McBrayer and her husband, Scott, 42, were pretty low-tech at their Jones-Wynn Funeral Homes & Crematory, which dates to 1950.

Now they stream funeral services on Facebook Live, if requested, to keep the crowd to 10 or fewer people, standing apart from one another.

"With a virus that's this powerful, social distancing has brought new challenges,” she says.

Burials are changing, too. Up to nine mourners and an officiant stand near the grave, and others in the cemetery stay in their vehicles and watch video on FaceTime or listen to audio on Bluetooth.

"Funeral directors, we treat families like our family members,” the mother of four says. “Our heart breaks a little bit each time one of them walks in."

The stories she's heard since the pandemic make McBrayer's heart heavier. Among them:

A daughter was on the way to see her ailing mother in hospice in March when the facility was declared off-limits to visitors. She said her mother was fading and it was too late for a final call, so “my mom had to die alone."

Another daughter, who lost her father, told McBrayer she was thankful that a hospital nurse kept vigil as he lay dying and “would not let his hand go."

One man who was hospitalized could not receive the Catholic sacrament known as the Anointing of the Sick, which is administered to the seriously ill. After his death, he received last rites at the funeral home.

But new traditions have emerged, too. Baskets appear on front porches so that friends can leave behind condolence cards without meeting face-to-face, McBrayer says.

And, in a twist on the post-funeral repast, one family paid tribute to their fallen patriarch by holding separate cookouts and chatting on FaceTime. “They laughed that he wasn't the best griller, but he loved hot dogs and hamburgers,” she says, so that's exactly what was on the menu.