‘Severance’ Actor John Turturro Opens Up About His Caregiving Journey

I have to say, a big part of my brain was always on alert, no matter where I was — in the most beautiful places in the world or working. Now I realize I don’t have to be on alert.​​

How did being a caregiver for your brother impact your life, personally and professionally?

You learn a lot about what you can withstand and what you cannot withstand. It affects your children, your marriage and everything else. There are a lot of good things, too. You can help a person make that turn, and my biggest fear was that if I turned my face, I would see my brother in the street. I didn’t want to do that. It’s a volatile, dangerous and, at other times, very rewarding situation.​

Many caregivers struggle to maintain their own physical and emotional health. While caring for Ralph, did you find it difficult to care for yourself? How did you manage?

My work has been an escape in many ways. Through my work, I found a way to be constructive with my feelings and to be able to put them into a story that could affect other people.

I did a speech for [storytelling site] The Moth, and I’ve had reactions from people all over the world. People come up to me and they say, “Well, [that’s] the story of my sibling.” I wanted to tell something that was positive, that was hopeful, but that wasn’t a fairy tale.

I can’t stand things about mental illness that are fairy tales, because people don’t usually overcome the entire thing. A lot of people who are caregivers, caretakers, guardians feel isolated and lonely. It’s nice to meet other people who do that, because we understand each other. I think we all feel isolated and overwhelmed, so you have to learn to take care of yourself, too.​

What were some of the biggest surprises you found while caring for Ralph when you became his full-time caregiver?

You learn about what perseverance is. No one pats you on the back when you do this. It’s a lonely journey. But we had lots of fun encounters, and we were incredibly close. I was amazed that after he could do all these terrible things to me, I still found things about him that were endearing. You’d see the person under the illness. You had to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. He was perceptive, he was funny and he was very talented.

As you’ve previously stated, your brother had an impact on your filmmaking. How do you think your relationship with him shaped your work?

If he met you, he could figure out your soft spot and weak spot within 45 minutes. He’d make up a nickname for you and do some things to try to shock you, throw you off balance. He was really perceptive when he was on his game, and he was quite proud of me, too. ​

What advice can you share with other caregivers navigating the emotional and practical demands of their roles?

​If you are giving a lot of yourself to the other person, make sure that you take the time to take care of yourself physically and mentally. Find your joy pockets so [caregiving does] not dominate your every waking hour. Sometimes you have to say, “These are the parameters.” You have to draw certain kinds of lines to take care of yourself. Otherwise, there’ll be nothing left of you.​