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The Sex Scene at My Senior Living Community Is Booming. Should I Worry About STIs?
With sexually transmitted infections on the rise among older adults, our experts explain how to stay safe
Kiersten Essenpreis
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
I’ve heard a lot of jokes about rampant sex taking place in senior living communities — and the resultant sexually transmitted infections. You know what? It is a real problem, and it’s not funny.
This week, our experts weigh in on this important — and sadly underdiscussed — topic.
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I just moved into an independent senior living community, and the men here flit from one woman to the next. I know sexually transmitted infections are a thing in this age group. I’m a single female. Any suggestions on how to date safely?
I’m so glad you asked this question — and so are our specialists.
As sex coach Stella Harris notes, “In sex-ed circles, there’s so much talk about how to get more education in spaces like retirement communities and assisted living facilities because this is such a known problem. Unfortunately, there’s a lack of information in the places that need it the most.”
Sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, are spiking in the older adult population: more than doubling among those 65 and up in the last decade, according to the American Medical Association.
First, what’s driving all that sex? According to Harris, many people in senior communities are going through “a second adolescence” and experiencing a kind of sexual freedom they’ve never known before.
There’s a built-in social network and huge access to potential partners, not unlike what you would experience on a college campus or any other type of communal living, she says.
So why reach for a condom? Jeffrey Kwong, a professor at Rutgers University’s School of Nursing, says that since pregnancy is no longer a risk, some older people tend not to take protective measures.
There’s also a societal perception that STIs are usually contracted by younger people. “That is a myth,” says Kwong, who is also associate medical director for the American Academy of HIV Medicine’s HIV & Aging Project.
One other issue: Health care providers may not be talking to older patients about sex. “If you don’t bring it up, they probably won’t either,” he says. “That’s a missed opportunity.”
Spiking STIs. Rates of all STIs have increased dramatically among all older adults, says Kwong — particularly chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. Many of the STIs are asymptomatic, he says, meaning people don’t know they have them, which is one of the reasons transmission is so high.
The good news is that today there are medications that treat most STIs. Gonorrhea, Kwong says, is the outlier, because the medications used to treat it are becoming less effective.
So what can you do?
Get to know your potential partner, including their mental state. Neuropsychologist Hayley B. Kristinsson says that some people with cognitive disorders, particularly men, experience an increase in disinhibition or impulsivity, which could explain why some of the men you’ve observed flit from woman to woman.
“Some people become more sexually seeking, more overtly sexual, and they may engage in unsafe sex practices,” says Kristinsson, a health sciences assistant clinical professor at the University of California, Irvine.
Her advice: Take the time to get to know the person to get a better idea of whether there are any underlying medical issues or if this is just the way they’ve always acted. “If you know someone has engaged in risky practices or been with a lot of different partners, this is information you need to have,” Kristinsson says.
Get tested for STIs. Before engaging in penetrative or oral sex, Harris suggests getting tested yourself and asking for test results from a new partner.
“If you’re brand new to this, requesting test results won’t feel comfortable right away,” she says. “But there’s a lot of fun to be had if you can get over that leap.”
Harris suggests saying something like: “I’d like to show you my test results. What about you? I’d like you to get tested, too.” If your potential partner balks at the idea, then good riddance. “Folks who don’t care [about] what you need to feel safe also don’t care what you need to feel pleasure,” Harris says.
If you have more than one sexual partner (or believe your partner does), Harris recommends getting tested every three months.
Practice safe sex. Kwong says to use condoms. If you use a female condom (which is inserted in the vagina), there’s no need for a man to wear one.
And, as Kwong observes: “One of the challenges as men age is that they are less inclined to use condoms due to a lack of sensation in the penis and the need for extra stimulation. A [male] condom can inhibit that.”
If you are engaging in oral sex, Kwong recommends using a dental dam, a latex shield that provides a barrier between the genitals and the mouth.
Condoms and dental dams can be purchased over the counter and online.
Arrange a sex-ed talk. Harris suggests talking to your facility’s activities coordinator about bringing in a certified sexuality educator who can talk about sex and older adults, along with someone who specializes in STIs.
Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman says that when she teaches classes to older adults, they often tell her they never discussed sex with their family, at school or with their spouse. “Sex education was almost nonexistent in their lifetime,” Fleishman says.
Among the top questions she gets:
- How do I practice safe sex?
- I can’t get an erection anymore. What can I do to please her? I haven’t had sex in 10 years. I want to have a sexual relationship, but can I still do it?
“When I talk about sex at senior centers and assisted living communities, people are raising their hands right and left and talking to me privately if there are questions they don’t want to ask publicly,” says Fleishman.
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