My Biggest Retirement Mistake: Moving in With My Kid’s Family

Richard’s supervision of the kids became another sore spot. When he had charge of them, he didn’t always follow family rules — letting them load up on snack-bar junk food at a bowling outing, for example. Another time, on a bike ride, Richard got a flat tire. In a situation like that, “I was supposed to call [their mother] immediately and get everybody picked up,” he says. Instead, he sent the boys home ahead of him, reasoning that they “need to know what they are going to do [when] I’m not here.” Their parents were not pleased.

By this time, Richard was no longer joining the family nightly at dinner or getting invited when they got together with friends. And as the kids got older, they were less enthused about having a full-time G-dad. Richard would still want to join in shooting hoops when they had friends over, but “they didn’t want adult interference,” he says. “Once they hit sixth grade, sometimes fifth grade, they become much more independent.”

Finding a fit in Florida

In 2022, amid the growing strain at home, Richard went to spend a week with his brother at The Villages, the sprawling retirement community in Central Florida. With more than 150,000 residents and 3,000 social clubs, The Villages offers a smorgasbord of activities and opportunities to connect with people his own age — something he realized he might need.

“Seeing how he engaged with his neighbors and participated in local activities made me think about what I wanted in my own life,” Richard says. “It was a turning point for me, understanding that I could have a fulfilling lifestyle in a similar setting.” 

But not that setting. With more than 70,000 homes spread across 57 square miles, The Villages “feels overwhelming,” Richard says. He wanted something “smaller and more connected.” He came back to visit his brother in 2023 — this time for several months so he could scout for a community of his own.

Richard Harr at Hawthorne's community center, getting ready for a tennis match. He says he has more opportunities for social connection than he had living with his son's family in a small town: "There’s always something happening, whether it’s social events, sports or group outings."

Mary Beth Koeth

He found it when a local real estate agent steered him toward Hawthorne at Leesburg, a 55-plus community of about 2,000 residents in Leesburg, Florida, for which Bardin, a digital marketer, had coincidentally done consulting work. (AARP participated in planning Hawthorne, which opened in 1972, but is not involved in managing the development.)

“In Hawthorne, I can play tennis, racquetball and even participate in chair volleyball, which is a fun way to stay active,” Richard says. Most activities are within walking distance of his two-bedroom home. “The community is vibrant, and there’s always something happening, whether it’s social events, sports or group outings.”

He takes part in Hawthorne’s twice-yearly parades of decorated golf carts and volunteers with a team of residents who help their neighbors stay independent by responding to requests for household help, from opening a jar to moving furniture. After trying out multigenerational living, he says he’s found happiness on his own.

“I think it was a good experience overall,” Richard says of his time in Southern Pines, “but there were disappointments and hurt feelings and frustrations.”

What the pro says

“Looking back now,” Ricky Harr says, “nothing but fond memories from me and my family of Dad’s time living here.” But he acknowledges that they didn’t go into the experience fully prepared for how living under one roof would work day-to-day.

“Not all initial plans can cover what unexpected gaps in plans will inevitably start to show,” he says. “I think that’s the key takeaway here: A family has to be ready for the unexpected topics that will need discussion to make everyone in a home feel at home.”

That kind of communication is crucial and needs to start well before an older parent moves in with an adult child’s family, says Ruth Ettenberg Freeman, a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, which provides consulting and coaching for parents navigating family dynamics.

Richard Harr waters the grapefruit trees in his Florida backyard. Living with his son, daughter-in-law and grandkids “was a good experience overall,” he says, “but there were disappointments and hurt feelings."

Mary Beth Koeth

“The thing I would emphasize is that it’s not a conversation,” she says. “It's many conversations.”

Each family member needs to share their hopes, needs and expectations for the living situation and what they anticipate each other’s days looking like, Freeman says. That includes “physical requests regarding physical space and tasks and relationships with the children..”The Harrs’ flashpoints over things like junk food rang familiar to her.

“I’ve heard from many parents their frustration with grandparents around sugar. When my generation was parenting, sugar was not the big issue,” Freeman says. “We didn’t know as much scientifically about the effects of sugar, and it wasn’t as big an issue in most families.” In such situations, she adds, it’s important for the parent to talk to the grandparent about their behavior “without blame or shame.”

Regular family meetings can facilitate those discussions. Freeman recommends gathering weekly, at least for the first three to six months of living together. “If there isn’t regular check-in time to make requests of each other and express emotions, it’s usually doomed in a way,” she says. “You can’t just read each other’s minds.”

These shouldn’t just be gripe sessions. Freeman encourages families to also say what they appreciate about each other and to plan fun activities they can all do together. That might lessen the sting when, inevitably, there are things the kids and grandkids want to do without the grandparent.

Multigenerational households “can be such a win-win because it’s literally good for grandparents’ health and well-being to be around their grandchildren,” Freeman says. “It’s also really great for children, and it can be a real boon to parents because it can give them a break.

“However, if everybody has a different idea of what’s expected — particularly when grandparents think that they know best about parenting and they offer unsolicited advice, or they don't respect the boundaries that parents express — that becomes a real problem..”