How to Stop Fighting About Money With Your Honey

“It’s a way of showing, rather than saying, ‘You need to trust me,’ ” she says. “Having a simple data point can be the bridge between the person who manages the finances and the person who is in the dark.”

Identify your financial fears

Money arguments often stem from money worries: Can we keep up with rising costs? Will we run out of money in retirement? Can we afford to take care of aging parents or help our kids if they’re struggling? It’s important to be aware of the fears that are driving your money decisions and actions, and your partner’s.

“What helps a lot is to increase your financial vulnerability — being able to share with each other, ‘These are the things I’m scared about,’ ” Zepeda says. Then you can work together to address those fears by being transparent about finances so you’re both on the same page, creating a budget to make your retirement savings last or talking to your adult children about how much support you can give them.

Align your priorities

Disagreements can occur when one partner is a spender and the other is a saver. Those differences can become more acute as couples enter retirement and one partner wants to, say, splurge on dream vacations, while the other wants to live frugally to leave money to children or grandchildren. “A lot of times, our spending and savings patterns are driven by mindless habits or fear,” Swantner says. To quash conflicts, Zepeda recommends that couples discuss what matters most to each of them, look for areas of compromise and common ground, and align their financial behavior accordingly.

Be prepared to pivot

Even couples who’ve aligned their priorities can end up fighting, because priorities can change. For example, plans to downsize or move closer to grandchildren could be disrupted when an aging parent has to move in after a dementia diagnosis. “The curveball of life gets thrown, and they have to pivot,” Zepeda says.

She says that couples can ease tension in these situations by relying on financial data instead of letting emotions guide their decisions. That means going over the numbers together to see what’s feasible, and identifying the parts of your retirement plan that were most important and worth trying to preserve.  

Say a layoff forces one of you into early retirement. Maybe you can no longer afford to retire to that dream house overlooking the ocean — but making some adjustments to your budget might allow you to rent a place at the beach for a couple of weeks each year.

Listen — really listen

Trying to steer clear of money disagreements entirely? “Avoiding conflict is not the goal,” Swantner says. “The goal is to be able to talk through things as they arise and talk through them in loving ways.” That requires listening to what your partner is trying to say rather than pushing your agenda or getting defensive.

You don’t have to agree with everything, but you should acknowledge that you are hearing your partner’s concerns. “Over time, with practice, if both people are on board, it becomes the new norm of how we communicate,” Swantner says. “We can see our partners relax when we actually listen to them.”

Get help

You might need support from a professional to navigate financial arguments with your spouse. The Financial Therapy Association has a directory you can use to find a financial therapist who specializes in helping couples navigate money disagreements.

If you prefer to speak with a financial planner, you can connect with one through an industry association, such as the Certified Financial Planning Board of Standards, the Financial Planning Association or the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. “You don’t have to figure this out on your own,” Torabi says.