Annie Korzen Asks: Are You a Thoroughly Modern Grandmother?

Entertaining

Now: Kids join the guests at the dinner table; the conversation is with and about them.

Then: It was strictly "No comments from the peanut gallery!" at the kids' table. But they were close enough to the dirty jokes and cigarette smoke to feel part of the festivities.

Character-building

Now: When he wants to eat all his Halloween candy in one sitting, lovingly explain the consequences of such a rash action until he understands and accepts your point of view.

Then: When he wanted to eat all his Halloween candy in one sitting, you'd bellow, "Because I'm the mother, and I say you can't!" Occasionally, it was necessary to confiscate the offending articles — and eat them all in one sitting.

Discipline

Now: "Schuyler, I'm not disappointed in you personally; I'm disappointed in your action [of stabbing the cat]."

Then: A swat on the butt, followed by a heartfelt "May your brats be twice as bad!"

Birthdays

Now: Professional magician, live jungle animals, solar-powered bounce house, gift bags from Tiffany or Apple

Then: A bucket of fast-food chicken, then spur-of-the-moment party games: "Timmy, what did I tell you? There's no crying in poker!"

Rites of passage

Now: Destination bar mitzvahs in exotic lands (Hawaii, Tahiti, Tibet) where the grownups eat too much and the kids act stupid

Then: Destination bar mitzvahs in exotic lands (Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx) where the grownups ate too much and the kids acted stupid

Summer vacation

Now: Fat camp, music camp, tech camp or a European jaunt

Then: A one-week stay at the country home of elderly relatives

The teen years

Now: Weekly family visits with a therapist to stave off drug addiction, unsafe sex and eating disorders

Then: Teenagers were known to be sociopaths, so contact with them was wisely minimized.

Boomerang kids

Now: After college, the child moves home while "looking for a job" — that is, playing video games and rolling his eyes when asked to clean his room.

Then: "We changed the locks!"

Actress and writer Annie Korzen played Doris Klompus on Seinfeld.