Staying Fit
Everything I know now about comforting someone who's grieving I learned the hard way: My son died.
I didn't grow up having grandparents, so I didn't experience that hard-on-the-heart loss that can fracture the world of a young adult or even a child.
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When my dad died suddenly at 65 of a heart attack, I was 30, and for the first time my family was shattered by death.
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Since then and over the years, there have been other losses, devastating illnesses that have taken family and friends. Through all those sad events, I always felt at a loss for words, not very good at doing the right thing, shy about disturbing someone during an incredibly painful time.
I kept a safe (first do no harm) distance.
And then in the January-cold of 2012, at age 37, without a reason, my son, my Brian, didn't wake up one morning, and I learned:
Distance isn't good: If you can be with someone in those darkest of moments, be there. Your presence is a gift of love that sustains the aching heart, mind and soul.
Do make a call: Even if your friend hasn't the strength then and there to come to the phone and talk, the message comes back that you care and feel the pain and loss, too.
Do send a note, an email or a card: What do you say? The truth is, there is nothing that can be said. Don't be hard on yourself for not having words that don't exist. But you can always say, "I'm so sorry." You mean it, and that's what matters.
You can say, "I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you." After all, it's not possible for you to know how someone feels because relationships and grief are so very, very personal.