Doctor, Help Me Understand My Menopausal Wife

An explanation of hormonal and physical changes women undergo during menopause, plus advice for how partners can support them

Adam Rosenbluth, M.D.,

AARP

Comments

Published April 21, 2025

My wife is complaining about menopause symptoms, but I don’t really understand what’s going on. Can you help?

Frankly, I wish more men would ask this question. It would help them and their partners get through this challenging time of life together, compassionately. First, let’s set the stage for what’s happening. Menopause is the absence of menstruation for 12 consecutive months, and it signals the end of your wife’s reproductive years. Even though it’s a normal part of aging, for many women, menopause can be a complicated and uncomfortable phase, physically and emotionally.

Your wife is probably experiencing various hormonal changes that are affecting her health, mood and energy. As a loving husband, it sounds like you want to be a better partner by understanding the process, and I commend your intentions. I think when guys don’t educate themselves or neglect to offer their support, they contribute to a recipe for marital misunderstandings that can lead to disaster.

An older survey done by AARP The Magazine of divorced men and women who split in their 40s, 50s or 60s —a time when women are going through perimenopause or menopause — found that 66 percent of the women said they initiated the divorce. It’s a sad statistic, but it makes sense. If a woman doesn’t feel understood and supported by her partner during this transition, an emotional and physical divide can develop.

How to be supportive

I’d say one of the best ways is to educate yourself. If your wife agrees, you can accompany her to the gynecologist’s office and discuss any questions you have with her doctor or seek the counsel of your own physician. You can ask about your spouse’s symptoms, which may range from hot flashes, night sweats and sleep problems to loss of sex drive and vaginal dryness, as well as weight gain, migraines and urinary problems. She might be irritable, anxious and blue or have erratic mood swings. Your wife could be experiencing forgetfulness and have a tough time concentrating. There may be other issues, too.

Most Popular

If you have a close friend whose partner is also dealing with menopause, it’s a good idea to get together and talk with him about it. Not only can you commiserate, but you may get some ideas on how you can be helpful to your wife. On a similar note, if your mom is still alive, or you have a sister, and you feel comfortable speaking with her about menopause, she can most likely offer wisdom.

Which brings me to the most important thing you can do: ask your wife directly about how you can be helpful. Encourage her to tell you what she needs. Be sure to listen and be supportive. Allow her to express her feelings completely, even if not everything makes sense to you or you disagree. For example, if she tells you that she isn’t in the mood for sex, don’t take it personally. Instead, discuss different ways to express intimacy, such as showering together, cuddling, having romantic dinners or going for evening strolls. Be sure to ask whether she prefers to initiate the romantic moves.

Your wife may have mood swings because her hormones are fluctuating, and you might think the best way to deal with it is just to let her work it out on her own. It’s a better idea to ask what you can do to support her feelings, or if she has asked her doctor how a healthy diet, regular exercise and/or potentially hormone replacement therapies could help. If communications aren’t what they could be, you could reach out to a couples’ therapist or counselor. A professional can help both of you work through the challenges you’re facing during this point in life and discuss ways to improve your relationship.

More from Dr. Adam

In reality, husbands are participants in the menopause process. It’s not physically happening to you, but you are likely the most intimate person in your wife’s life, and the one most able to offer support. During this time, showing understanding, compassion and patience is the greatest expression of love. Being a sharing and supportive partner during this time of life can lead to a healthier, long-term relationship for you both.

%{postComment}%