When Your Child Dumps a Significant Other You Love

When my daughter was a sophomore in college, we invited her boyfriend, a Norwegian she’d met in Europe, to join us on vacation in Florida. I was pleased to discover he was exceedingly polite, helpful and good company, not to mention extremely patient with my sometimes petulant daughter.

By the end of that trip in 2019, he felt like one of the family.

So I was shocked when, six months later, she ended their nearly two-year relationship — via text. She did so while he was flying to a family event in the U.S., and my first thought was one of concern for the young man. I imagined him sitting in an airplane with a broken heart.

Over the phone, I scolded my daughter for what I viewed as a bad decision and unkind behavior. As a result, she began calling me less frequently and sharing fewer details about her life. I also kept in touch with the ex via text and Facebook to make sure he was OK, further alienating my daughter.

Looking back, I’m ashamed of how I handled the situation. Apparently, though, my reaction is not uncommon.

“As parents, we tend to get attached to a person or even a narrative for our kids,” says Antoinette Shine, a New York City-based therapist. “There’s a whole storyline that parents have to come to grips with when a relationship ends. So I think that sense of loss or grief and even confusion makes a lot of sense.”

Dan Upshaw, a family therapist in Atlanta, says parents whose children break up with their partners have the right to feel sadness, disappointment and even anger. But, he notes, it’s important to process that grief separately, with a friend or a therapist. “First, support your child in their grief,” he says, because they will be going through it on some level, no matter how the breakup came about.

Here’s how to support your child after a breakup while navigating your own emotions.

Take a breath. When you first learn of a child’s breakup, your best move is to pause and process the information, counsels Upshaw. That way, you can react from the rational part of your brain rather than the emotional part. Let your child know you have their back, even if your feelings are complicated.

Get the facts. Ask your child questions before expressing your opinion. Find out how they’re doing, what led to their decision and how you can best support them. “Let them know that you trust their ability to make that decision,” says Shine.