25 Great Ways to Make a Good Apology

Thomas has clients take notes while listening, if they’re open to it, and restate the points they heard. “Repeating it back doesn’t mean that it’s true [for you], but it’s true for the other person,” she says. “It’s about reflective listening and validating and valuing the relationship … over protecting your own ego.”

8. Apologize sooner rather than later

“The more you wait, the more you’ve made someone suffer, and the less likely there will be a repair,” says Robert M. Gordon, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst based in Osprey, Florida. For example, if you lost your temper at a weekly gathering of friends, Thomas says, it's understandable that you may be flustered and need some time to reflect before offering a full apology.

But do try to at least take ownership right away, Thomas says, by saying something like “I apologize; please excuse me,” which “can break the tension and move things in a positive direction.”

9. Don’t presume things will blow over

People often think that if they wait long enough, the aggrieved party will forget about whatever it was that caused the hurt feelings. Thomas, in her TEDx Talk “Getting the Last Word With Apology," says that’s not the case: “Every time we get offended, it creates an emotional block between ‘us’ and ‘them,’ and the next time it happens, another block forms until we have a big wall. It's very hard to talk through a wall, or around the wall, and it doesn't go away just with the passing of time.”

Express your apology in the language they’re expecting — so they understand and receive it.

Sam Island

10. Put yourself in their shoes

This is where knowing the “apology language” of the hurt party comes into play, Thomas says.

“We may be offering something or knocking ourselves out trying to express how sincere we are,” she explains, “but unless we express it in the language they’re expecting and that they understand, they’re not going to receive it.”

Thomas explains that our apology language typically comes from childhood and was adapted based on what our parents or teachers wanted to hear. It can be difficult to speak another apology language if you’ve been reinforcing your own, different language of choice for more than 50 years. However, she says, it’s crucial, because it’s the only way to make sure you’re being heard by the other person.

11. Be aware of tone and body language

Don’t cross your arms or hurry an apology, warns Thomas. Put your phone on do not disturb — better yet, leave the phone in another room, she says — and “let your tone of voice show your patience, that you’re there and not going to rush off somewhere.” Also, stay calm. “You don’t want to sound angry or staccato when you want the person to be open to you and for you two to be vulnerable with each other,” she continues. “Just don’t be defensive. Accept what they say as their truth and don’t argue with them.”

12. Make appropriate restitution

This is about finding a way to replace or correct a situation gone wrong. Thomas, in her TEDx Talk, says that what some people most want to hear is what’s going to be different moving forward. “They want to know that we've put some time and effort into making a better plan,” she says. As long as the aggrieved party doesn’t interpret your efforts as a bribe, you could offer to buy a new jacket to replace one you stained, proposes Thomas, or recommend scheduling a dinner date (your treat!) to make up for a missed get-together.

A more serious matter may require more thought, Gordon says. Let’s say a husband has an affair. He repeatedly apologizes, yet his wife is still incredibly angry. That may be because his apology isn’t “dose-appropriate,” he says. Unlike businesses that can offer a monetary refund when a product disappoints, “in an emotional relationship, you can’t insult someone and say, ‘Here’s five bucks. Get over it.’”

In this example of the affair, says Gordon, “The guilty party must show remorse, empathy and repair by saying such things as ‘There is no excuse for what I did. I will work hard to be a better person and work hard to repair the damage I have done. … I will listen to your hurt and anger for as long as you need.’”

13. Be self-compassionate 

Thomas warns against scolding yourself for messing up in the first place. Instead, be as patient with yourself as you would with a child, because we’re all still learning and doing the best we can, she says.

The healthiest thing you can do, says Lerner, is to understand that our mistakes help us change and grow.

Before giving an apology, consider caring for yourself by journaling or taking some time for quiet reflection, suggests Chefalo. After the apology, plan to do something similarly enjoyable, allowing time for some reflection, says Thomas, adding that when you are gentle with yourself, it often makes for a better apology. 

Thomas adds: “If I’m being self-compassionate, I’m probably feeling less defensive, and my body language will be more aligned with my words. I will likely show greater openness to the person with whom I want to restore the relationship.”

14. Say "thank you"

This is a short one but an important one, according to Gordon. After you've apologized, make it clear that you appreciate the other person hearing you out. "When someone cares enough to listen, thank them," says Gordon, adding that it involves a "respectful effort at understanding."

Consider saying something positive about your bond to show your commitment to the relationship.

Sam Island

15. Be positive about your commitment to the relationship

While specificity is important, so is emphasizing your commitment to the relationship, Thomas says. Perhaps you made a joke based on a friend forgetting something, unaware that the friend has become more sensitive about losing her memory. Something like this could put a relationship on the line, Thomas says, so consider saying something positive about your bond, such as, “I value you and our relationship. We’ve been together through thick and thin. You are a gift to me, and I’m committed to working this out.”

16. Request forgiveness to help you both move forward

Do this gently, Thomas advises, with something like, “If you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me, that would mean so much. And I’m going to work every day to rebuild your trust.” State that you understand you made an insensitive comment, for example, and if it appears difficult for the other person to move past it, consider offering, “I hope someday you can forgive me.”

In her work, Thomas has found that some people want to be asked, “Will you please forgive me?” when an offense is serious or repeated or both.

17. But don’t expect forgiveness

Of course we want all to be well after making an apology. But this may not happen, even after asking for forgiveness, and the way to respond is to take a step back. “Pushing the injured party to forgive can make that person feel rushed and wronged all over again,” says Lerner. “Our apology may need time and space to take hold.”

And perhaps absolution may never come. Lerner calls this last point subtle yet critical: “A heartfelt apology should serve to calm and soothe the hurt party. It’s not a bargaining chip to get something in return, such as reassurance or forgiveness.” Thomas says one of the reasons we may be reluctant to apologize is that we're afraid the other person may unleash their anger on us even more. Because this can be tied in part to a fragile ego, she coaches people on how to sit with whatever response comes their way.

18. Avoid the word “but”

It’s a little word that can create even more damage because “it erases those few words you led in with,” says Thomas. You want to be sure your apology can stand alone “even if the other person doesn’t say, ‘Oh, well, you know I had a part in this too.’” We often slip the word “but” into our explanations for why we didn’t do something we were planning to do. For example, “I’m so sorry I forget to call you on your birthday, but I was flooded with work and had a million things going on.” Says Lerner: “The word ‘but’ almost always signifies rationalization, a criticism or an excuse. It doesn’t matter if what you say after the ‘but’ is true; the ‘but’ makes your apology false.”

19. Don’t seek comfort

Say a mother wants to apologize to her daughter for neglecting her while she was divorcing the father. If the mother heaps guilt and remorse along with one “I’m sorry” after another (an excessive apology, says Lerner), it ends up being about the mother's suffering and guilt, with the daughter comforting the mother instead of the other way around.  In essence, the mother has "hijacked" her daughter's story in order to receive the comfort, says Lerner, adding that is not what you want to do.

Don't over-apologize. This can create distance and can be irritating.

Sam Island

20. Don’t go overboard

While some find it difficult to get “I’m sorry” out of their mouths, others — mainly women — have been raised to apologize to a fault, “as if they went to Miss Manners' Apology Finishing School,” Lerner says.

“If you’ve forgotten to return your friend's frying pan, don't apologize numerous times as if you’ve run over her kitten. Over-apologizing creates distance, interrupts the normal flow of conversation and will irritate your friends.” Chefalo warns against “love-bombing” by excessively apologizing with gifts or flowers that don’t match the severity of the affront. “Everything is about balance,” she says.

21. Don’t get caught up in who is more to blame

Lerner relates to this. “I would refuse to apologize to my husband because I was convinced he was 52 percent to blame and I was 48 percent to blame, and I would be damned if I was going to apologize first — and of course we never did the same math.” She says it’s useful to apologize for your part, even if it’s a small part, because it helps shift the exchange “out of combat and into collaboration, and you can save your thoughts about their part until later.”

22. Skip an apology if you don’t think you’re in the wrong — but do discuss it

“All apologies must be sincere,” says Thomas, adding, “If you don't think you did anything wrong, the apology is not going to go well.” Two people often experience the same situation differently, so instead of pretending to express regret, instead say “I wish we remembered what happened the same way” or “I wish you had gotten the support and emotional care you needed from me in that moment.” Says Thomas: “We can usually agree on what should’ve happened, even if we disagree about the facts that took place.”

23. Don’t apologize just to keep the peace

Lerner says the old trope that apologizing in a marriage just to get out of an uncomfortable situation isn't a good rule of thumb to follow. "It’s sort of an 'I’m sorry, so can we please stop talking about​ this?'" he says, adding that it's not a real apology. "This doesn’t resolve the matter, which keeps the hurt alive."​

24. You might need to make multiple apologies

You’re probably not going to be one and done — especially for deep injuries, which may require sitting in the hot seat and listening with an open heart to the anger and pain of the wounded party more than once, says Lerner. That means perhaps listening to inaccuracies and exaggerations as well. For instance, “an adult child bringing something up can call for an apology that’s a long-distance run,” she says. “There is no greater challenge — and none more important — than to be able to listen without defensiveness when we don't want to hear what the other person is telling us.” 

25. Know it’s never too late to try to make amends

Even if you have waited a long time, you can still apologize, Gordon says. For example, if you’ve been long estranged from your children, acknowledge during the apology that you can’t undo the past, that your children deserved better, and that you wish you’d done things differently.

Thomas says this is one area in which her clients show a lot of remorse. “Often their greatest regret in life is not anything that has to do with their career,” she says, but “with a broken relationship that was not mended.” One of the most healing aspects of trying to repair a broken relationship is seeing the other person trying, says world-renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel. “Even if we’re not getting it exactly right, we’re getting a little better at it each time,” she says. “The poet Rumi said, ‘Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.’”