25 Great Ways to Be a Better Friend

6. Initiate plans

While writing her book Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, journalist and author Anna Goldfarb conducted an informal online survey on friendship among a few hundred people. She discovered that what people want most from friends is for them to initiate. “What that tells me is that you can make someone feel really good just by reaching out to them,” Goldfarb says.

Nelson agrees. “We associate a friend reaching out to us as evidence that we are a priority in their lives, that they are thinking of us and that they like us,” she explains. “When we feel like they aren’t reaching out to us, we wonder if we matter to them.” The best initiators don’t just initiate contact and communication; they also plan social events and get-togethers.

7. Talk, but also listen

In many friendships, there’s a talker and a listener — someone who typically dominates the conversation and someone who usually takes a back seat. In the best friendships, however, everyone gets a turn. According to Nelson, “Both people need to be sharing what’s going on in their lives. If you’re the talker … the only way [your friends] are going to feel close to you is if you start giving them more space to talk. That means becoming comfortable with quiet pauses, actively listening without interrupting and asking follow-up questions.

If you’re the listener … you, too, deserve to be heard and seen. Maybe think through ahead of time what you want to be sure to share, [and] look for opportunities to be brave and say, ‘Hey, I wanted to be sure to tell you about …’”

8. Have more fun

Simply put, friends should have fun together. “All too often, we are in relationships that are low in positivity. There is a lack of enjoyment, fun and laughter,” Nelson says.

“It might be time to look and see how the pattern of complaining [when you’re together] can be shifted, or how you two might find something fun to do together again, or explore ways to bring more inspiration into your time together. The best relationships are those that have so much positive emotions that we truly enjoy being together.”

9. Show gratitude

Friends want to be appreciated, says writer, director and producer Rachel Winter, coauthor of Stay Golden, Girls: Friendship is the New Marriage, which she wrote with her longtime friend Rachel Steinman, a writer, teacher and mental health advocate. “It’s so important to express gratitude to your friends for being in your life. Tell them that you care about them in any way that you can,” urges Winter, who says gratitude is most impactful when it’s specific — that is, when you thank friends for specific things they’ve done or for specific traits they have.

Gratitude is especially important during periods of absence. When life gets busy, Hurley recommends making a quick phone call to tell friends you appreciate them and look forward to seeing them soon. “It’s letting people know that you cherish the friendship,” she says.

10. Don’t give unsolicited advice

Often, one friend dominates the other, says Goldfarb, who points to those who give unsolicited advice. For example, telling a stressed-out friend that they should try yoga, that they should see your massage therapist or that they should change their diet because it worked for you.

“That’s just oppressive,” Goldfarb says. “People don’t want to be dominated like that … It feels like, ‘I know your life better than you.’” Instead of advice, what friends often want when they share their struggles or worries is validation. “Most of our life stressors don’t need immediate fixing. They just need someone to witness them and tell us we’re OK to be feeling what we’re feeling,” Nelson says. “When someone can say things like ‘I know that feeling’ … we feel seen and accepted.”

11. Embrace conflict — and forgiveness

Friends fight. If you handle them with grace and empathy, arguments that might otherwise weaken friendships can actually strengthen them, says writer and performer Jezz Chung, author of This Way to Change: A Gentle Guide to Personal Transformation and Collective Liberation. “Speaking up about something that bothers me — while also growing my tolerance for occasional disappointment — helps me learn more about myself and the person I’m in a relationship with,” they say.

To make conflict productive, address it immediately, advises journalist and publisher Will Schwalbe, author of the friendship memoir We Should Not Be Friends: The Story of a Friendship, who says collecting grievances is toxic to friendship. “One of the rules I have with my friends is: If I’m irritated with you, you’ll know within 30 seconds,” he says, adding that quick forgiveness is just as important as quick confrontation.

12. Extinguish envy

When writer and essayist Christie Tate was finishing her book on romantic relationships, Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life, she began thinking about her next one and decided that B.F.F.: A Memoir of Friendship Lost and Found should be about her friendships with women, which she’d always struggled with. “I knew my female relationships were just as rich and vital — and messy,” says Tate, who soon thereafter discovered the root of her failed and floundering female friendships: envy and jealousy. “I couldn’t bring my full self to my friendships because I was so on guard and so defensive,” she says.

Once she realized this, she confessed to her friends, who were able to lift the curtain on their lives in ways that corrected Tate’s assumptions about them. What’s more, she was able to recognize her toxic behaviors.

“I learned how to call myself out and tell people, ‘I realize that I’m jealous of your other relationships, and that it’s getting in the way. I’m working on it,’” Tate says. “That removed my tiny little habit of blaming other people. Because it’s not other people’s job to make me feel safe or secure. It’s my job.”

13. Redefine reciprocity

Reciprocity can be just as toxic to friendships as envy, suggests writer Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. “Learn to redefine reciprocity, and stop keeping score,” she says. According to Badzin, reciprocity doesn’t require friends to “perform” friendship in the exact same way that you do. You shouldn’t expect friends to initiate plans as often as you do, for example, or to host you for dinner as payment for you hosting them.

“I advise people to look for other ways the friend reciprocates and remind them that the friend’s efforts need not mirror their own,” Badzin continues. “Will efforts ever be even? They won’t. They can be ‘even enough.’ Let friends’ gestures count, even if they’re not the same as yours.”

14. Remember their birthday (and more)

Across time and distance, birthday wishes are an easy way to show you care. “I have an old friend who sends me a birthday text every single year. Even if we haven’t spoken all year, he still remembers my birthday and sends me so much love on that day. Plus, it becomes a great way for us to reconnect and catch up, even when life gets in the way,” says Lane Moore, author of You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult and host of the I Thought It Was Just Me podcast.

To really strengthen your friendships, also make note of other important dates, suggests Goldfarb, who marks on her calendar the anniversaries of important losses in friends’ lives — the loss of a parent, for example, or a pet. “It costs you nothing to send someone a text message saying, ‘I know today’s a tough day for you. I’m thinking of you.’ It shows that you’re paying attention,” she says.

15. Offer to help

The best friends typically have servant hearts, according to Goldfarb, who says it’s important to help your friends achieve their goals. If a friend is trying to be healthier, for example, you might offer to be their exercise buddy. Or if a friend is taking a trip to France, you could offer to help them study their French.

“The best strategy for making and keeping friendships is to help your friends with their goals. That’s the key, because people will keep you close if you’re supporting them,” explains Goldfarb, who regularly asks, “How can I help you?” “Friends love to hear that, because that’s what we want our friends to do — we want friends who will be our teammates.”

16. Give them space, and allow for evolution

Good friends should challenge each other, but they also should respect each other’s boundaries. And sometimes that means giving people space. “I learned this recently,” says Winter, who recalls a friend who felt like their relationship was unbalanced. “She was not feeling good about herself, and my strength was not providing her comfort. Instead, it was making her agitated because she didn’t want to always feel like the weak one. So she took some space from me.”

Sometimes they need a clean slate, observes Bumpous, who says major life events — for example, retirement, children leaving home, losing a partner or spouse, or receiving a serious medical diagnosis — can be transformational not only for the individuals experiencing them, but also for their relationships. In light of new circumstances, those relationships might require new rules, norms or boundaries.

“Life changes … create new needs within our friendships,” Bumpous notes. “What I consistently hear from my clients is that giving a friend … permission to redefine or renegotiate the nature of the friendship during times of significant change is perhaps one of the kindest gestures you can extend to both parties involved.”

17. Write a letter

When Sheila Liming, associate professor at Champlain College in Burlington, Vermont, and author of Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time, thinks of strong friendships, she thinks of Finnish artist Tove Jansson and her longtime friend Eva Konikoff. When Finland was invaded by the Soviet Union in 1941, Konikoff was forced to emigrate to the United States. For years thereafter, as chronicled in the book Letters From Tove, her friendship with Jansson continued, albeit in writing. “They had this long-standing friendship that took place only over letters for a decade,” says Liming.

“To me, it’s just a really great example of the way that correspondence can be sustaining for relationships.” While letters might seem passé, that’s exactly what makes them special, according to Liming, who recommends following Jansson’s example by writing a letter. “When you get a letter from someone — something that’s handwritten and delivered in the mail — it catches your attention in the way an email or text message doesn’t.”

18. Celebrate your ‘friendversary’

Along with date nights, another ritual friends should borrow from romantic couples is the anniversary, suggests Hurley, who recently celebrated a 10-year friendversary. “Every year, my friend and I celebrate the day that we met,” Hurley says.

“This year, we found all these pictures of our friendship and did a little friendship slideshow. We also wrote letters to each other thanking one another for the friendship. And then we shared gifts and went and did something really fun — we took a trip to Santa Monica. It was so nice to be together, having that uninterrupted time to build connection and make memories, just like you would for a real anniversary with your spouse. Shared experiences like that are so powerful.”

19. Give the gift of time and attention

When she was pregnant in 2023, Nia Liu of Fairview, Utah, went viral on TikTok with a video about her “nesting party.” “My best friend wanted to throw me a baby shower, but I don’t like baby showers,” says Liu, who suggested that her friends help her with her pre-baby to-do list: things like decluttering the kitchen and organizing the nursery.

“She invited the list of people I wanted there, and they thought it was a great idea. They came with dinner and treats — they all brought a couple of freezer meals — and we just partied and cleaned. It was awesome. It was so much better than getting gifts. It was their time and their attention and their willingness to help me prepare for this baby. It felt like so much love was given to me.” The same idea could be equally touching for a friend who’s moving, a friend who’s ill or grieving, or a friend who is just feeling overwhelmed by life.

20. Be a connector

Instead of being selfish and trying to keep your friends to yourself, be generous about connecting them to other people with whom you think they’ll get along, suggests Hurley, who says introducing people from disparate friend circles is good social karma and a positive way to be of service — especially when you don’t have as much time for your friends as you’d like.

“I’m someone who likes to have a lot of friends in my life. But in reality, I can really only manage maybe four close friendships at a time,” Hurley admits. “If you feel like you’re in a season of plenty when it comes to friendships … try to find ways to bring all of your friend groups together so people can make connections for themselves outside of you.”

For example, you could host a potluck, a lunch or a tea. “Instead of filling your calendar with all these different dates, you’re using your superpower of friendliness to help other people connect,” Hurley says.

21. Answer their texts

Text messages can be incredibly convenient but sometimes also incredibly annoying, and you might be tempted to ignore texts and answer them later in the day, later in the week or, if you’re really overwhelmed, later in the month. What you might not realize, however, is that ignoring a text is tantamount to ignoring the friend who sent it, says Goldfarb, who recommends having a triage system for text messages.

Texts from acquaintances or lesser friends are OK to ignore for a day or two. But texts from your closest friends? “If you’re one of my best friends … it means that I will respond to your text messages as soon as they come in, if I can,” Goldfarb says.

22. Be a friend to friends’ friends

Treat members of your friends’ inner circle the same way that you treat members of your own, even if you’ve never met them. “One way I put this into action is with my long-distance friends — the friends who don’t live in the same city as me,” says Schwalbe, who lives in New York City. If a friend tells him that someone they know is visiting, he’ll offer to meet them for dinner or a drink.

“And if I can’t do that — because we all live busy lives — I will say, ‘Do they need any restaurant recommendations? Can I tell them a really fun thing to do in the city? Can I give them my five favorite things to do on a Saturday afternoon?’ … This allows me to do something nice for you by looking after your friend, and it might be an opportunity for me to make a new friendship, too.”

23. Signal commitment

There’s a reason couples cohabitate or get married: Making a commitment helps your significant other feel loved and secure. You should be as willing to give that gift to your friends as you are to your partner, suggests Earley, who recommends making what he calls “gestures of commitment.”

Instead of an empty promise to hang out again soon, a gesture of commitment declares, “I really enjoy it when we get together. Let’s do this every month,” and then actually follows through on it. Earley, for instance, has a standing hangout every other Tuesday with two friends, standing cocktail dates with various other friends about once per quarter, and a monthly dinner date with his wife and another couple. “It’s about signaling to friends that you want to stick around,” continues Earley, who says gifts also can signal commitment — like a ticket to a concert that takes place a year from now, or the bottle of scotch he received from one friend as thanks for being a groomsman in his wedding.

“On the top of the bottle, written in Sharpie marker, was ‘2035,’ which he said is the year that we’ll open it and drink it together.… It was this incredibly meaningful moment, because he expected to still be around to drink this bottle of scotch with me.”

24. Put your phone away

When you’re apart from your closest friends, answering their text messages shows them how important they are to you. When you’re with them, however, being on your phone sends the opposite signal, according to Hurley, who stresses the importance of giving friends your undivided attention.

“If you want to be a better friend, you need to get that phone out of sight,” she says, adding that phones should be put away entirely — not just face down in front of you. “There have been studies showing that even if a phone is turned off, just having it out on the table changes the conversation you’re having because people assume you’re not paying attention. The things you talk about never get deep because there’s this distraction hanging over you.”

25. Master the art of following up

Words between friends shouldn’t evaporate. Instead, they should manifest as meaningful action, says Hurley. When a friend shares something important and actionable, she sets a reminder on her phone to follow up.

For example, if a friend says they have to have a hard conversation at work, she’ll set a reminder to ask them later how it went. Hurley recently took a special trip with her family, and when she told her friends about it, they surprised her with a gift on the payment app Venmo. “They said, ‘We hope you have so much fun on your trip. Here’s money for cocktails,’ ” Hurley recalls. “I just love the thoughtfulness, the action and the follow-through.”