AARP’s Smart Guide to Nonverbal Communication

11. Stand up straight to project confidence

How you stand may impact how you feel. If you feel shy, anxious or intimidated, try standing up straighter. “Standing tall with your shoulders back and chest open can actually trigger physiological changes that make you feel more confident and in control,” says Van Edwards, who recommends doing a “posture scan” a few times a day. Focus on your shoulders in particular. “Maximize the distance between your ears and your shoulders. It’s the fastest way to signal — and feel — more at ease.”

12. Take up more space to assert yourself

Projecting confidence is one thing. To project power, however, you must do more than stand up straight, according to Furlich. “When you have a more expansive posture — for instance, you might have your hand on something, like a desk or a chair — it communicates power and authority,” he says. “And if you have your arms wider out or your legs wider out? Again, that indicates that you’re establishing more power and more authority.”  In fact, poses that make you appear taller and wider are known as “power poses.” 

“Think about Wonder Woman, when she has her legs a little bit farther apart, her hands on her hips and her elbows out. That’s an expansive type of posture,” continues Furlich, citing the work of Harvard Business School social psychologist Amy Cuddy. In her research, Cuddy found evidence that power poses stimulate hormonal changes like increased testosterone and reduced cortisol, which are associated with increased dominance and reduced stress, respectively. Although other researchers have questioned her findings, there’s ample evidence that expansive poses could influence how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you.

13. Make yourself appear more approachable

If you want to get along better with your neighbors, have stronger relationships with family or make new friends, the secret could be to appear more open and approachable. That requires you to literally open up your body. An example: “Want to show openness? Avoid crossed arms, and lean in slightly,” Van Edwards suggests.  Crossed arms are a barrier, and one key to projecting openness is to reduce obstacles between yourself and others. “Try not to stand behind a podium when you’re giving a presentation, or to sit behind a desk when you’re talking,” Furlich says. “Avoid having items in front of you. All those things create not only physical barriers but psychological barriers as well.”

14. Embrace people with your whole body

Appearing more open requires paying attention to your feet, too. “Pretend that you and I are talking in a hallway when someone else comes into view,” Navarro says. “If we’ve got a good conversation going and we don’t want anybody to join us, oftentimes we’ll rotate at the hip and wave at them. If we wanted them to join us, we would move our feet [to physically open the circle], because it’s our feet that welcome people.”  

But to truly engage with someone, move your entire body to face them, says Alan Crawley of Sin Verba, an education and consulting practice that provides training in nonverbal communication skills. “Body orientation is a simple thing that makes a huge difference,” he says. “Are you only turning your face to the person? Are you turning your whole trunk? Or are you turning your whole trunk, plus your legs? In my experience, that’s something small you can do to signal, ‘Hey, my attention is directed towards you.’”  

15. Keep a comfortable distance

When it comes to personal space, there’s no hard-and-fast rule. In most social situations, however, you should “aim for 1.5 to 4 feet of distance,” Van Edwards says. To find the sweet spot, let your conversation partner take the lead, advises Furlich. “During social interactions, it’s usually a good idea to stand in one place and let the other person establish what distance they feel more comfortable at,” he says.

16. Talk (carefully) with your hands

Talking with your hands is generally good, as long as you realize what you’re saying. “Gestures help you emphasize key points and keep your listener engaged. People who use purposeful gestures tend to be rated as more charismatic and trustworthy,” Van Edwards says. Use “illustrator” gestures to “draw” your thoughts, like showing size or direction with your hands. Avoid self-soothing gestures like touching your face or rubbing your neck, which can signal nervousness.  If you want your spoken words to have more impact, use your hands to help you speak more slowly and more clearly, Crawley adds.

“The voice and hand gestures are very tightly connected,” he says. “If I start moving my hands more quickly, I start to speak more quickly. But if I start moving my hands more slowly, I start to speak more slowly.”  Be especially careful with pointing, which can be seen as rude. To emphasize something, Furlich recommends “pinching” instead as you speak: “Basically, you take your thumb and your index finger and put them together like you’re pinching sand.” Some people hold the “pinch”; others slightly rub the thumb and index finger together. 

17. Smile — but only if you mean it

Your face can send the wrong message even when it has no deliberate expression at all. “Be aware of your resting face — what your face looks like when you’re not actively speaking,” Van Edwards says. “A slight upward tilt in the lips can go a long way. Or using an eyebrow-raise to indicate interest.” While a smile is probably the most powerful and persuasive facial expression, don’t fake it. We subconsciously pick up on fake smiles as inauthentic, according to Van Edwards.

18. Strengthen bonds with touch

If it’s welcomed and appropriate, a gentle touch can show support for someone and establish an emotional connection. “A reassuring hand on the shoulder or a warm handshake can build an immediate connection, but it’s deeply contextual and cultural. The key is to be intentional and always respectful of boundaries,” Van Edwards says. “For those who are comfortable, a light touch on the arm during a moment of empathy or agreement can strengthen rapport. A firm — not aggressive — handshake is still a gold standard for trust-building. Pretend like you are squeezing a peach.” 

If you’re going to engage in physical touch, be purposeful about it. “A really brief touch still can have some effects, but usually it needs to have a little bit more length and intensity than that,” says Manusov. “If you touch someone on the arm, for example, you might leave your hand there for a few seconds.” Likewise with hugs: Research shows that most hugs last only 3 seconds, but hugs that last 5 or 10 seconds are more impactful.

19. Vary your voice to heighten interest

Crawley says vocal modulation is crucial to effective communication. “Monotone is an atomic bomb that can destroy your presentation, your speech or your conversation,” he says. “If you speak without any changes in cadence or volume or tone during an interaction, other people are going to interpret it as you being disengaged, bored or disinterested.” 

Crawley says to think of your voice as a roller coaster. “Sometimes your voice should go fast, and sometimes it should go slow. Sometimes it will rise suddenly, and sometimes it will fall suddenly,” he says — and sometimes it should stop altogether. “Use dramatic pauses strategically to emphasize your points.”  Another vocal pitfall is speaking with a high pitch, especially at the end of a sentence. It makes you sound hesitant or uncertain. “Avoid ‘uptalk’ — ending sentences like questions — if you want to sound confident,” Van Edwards says.

20. Practice active listening

Active listening is a technique that lets someone know you’re engaged and present. Although there’s a strong verbal component — you should repeat what was said back to the person who’s speaking, for example — there are nonverbal parts, too. Consider a simple head nod, for example, or a subtle “hmm.” “It’s nice to send signals of feedback that say ‘This is important to me’ or ‘Yeah, that’s interesting,’” Crawley says.  Try tilting your head, too. “At about 3 months of age, babies will respond to a tilted head knowing that a person is more welcoming,” says Navarro.  

21. Manifest positive relationships using mimicry

If you want to build a better rapport with the people around you, mirror their nonverbal behaviors. “One of the biggest indicators of a healthy interpersonal relationship is mimicry. The more each person mimics the other person’s nonverbal behaviors, the more positive their relationship is,” Furlich says. Model friendly, open behaviors for others. 

There’s a good chance that their biological instincts will compel them to reflect those back to you. “There’s a huge body of research on mimicry where if you nod, I nod, or if you lean, I lean with you,” Hall says.

“It’s almost entirely unintentional. So, without even realizing it, our own behavior is producing other people’s behavior. If I smile a lot at you, you’re going to smile a lot at me. I’m going to think, ‘Oh, you’re such a nice person’ — but I made that happen, even if I didn’t realize it.”

Overcome Nonverbal Communication Challenges

22. Take a deep breath

If your body betrays you when you’re nervous, focus on your breathing. “Shallow, rapid breaths can make us feel, and look, anxious. Deep, slow breaths ground us, lower cortisol, and help project calm and confidence,” Van Edwards says. “Use box breathing — inhale four counts, hold four, exhale four, hold four — before high-stakes conversations to regulate your nervous system.” While you’re focused on your breathing, be mindful of breath-holding. “It’s a common response to stress and tension,” says Van Edwards.

23. Exaggerate your expressions as you age

Crawley says older adults may struggle with some aspects of nonverbal communication. Facial expressions — including smiling — can be especially challenging. “In time, the muscle tone of the face changes, which can make the face less expressive, and the increased presence of wrinkles and lines can make facial expressions less discernible,” explains Crawley, who says research shows that people tend to interpret older faces as more negative, even with neutral expressions. “That means that mature adults are more likely to be evaluated negatively and are at a disadvantage in terms of being …  understood.” With that in mind, Crawley says older adults should “be more purposeful about making positive expressions” and increase the intensity of those expressions. “You can increase the intensity of your smiles, for example, by raising your eyebrows higher … At first, it may feel forced or uncomfortable. But over time, you’ll realize that you’re giving signals with your face that are easier for others to understand, which hopefully will create positive results.”

24. Compensate for physical challenges

An aging body can impede nonverbal communication just as easily as an aging face, says speech language pathologist Adria Thompson, founder and CEO of Be Light Care Consulting, which provides education and training for dementia care. “Individuals who are older will experience changes in their body like increased weakness and incoordination in the arms, legs and other parts of the body,” Thompson observes. “The same thing can happen in our head and neck.” 

When you have trouble lifting or moving your arms, hand gestures become harder. And when you have trouble lifting your head or moving your neck, it also impairs eye contact and nodding. So you might need to compensate. For example, to make eye contact easier, try sitting instead of standing for conversations, or get closer to your conversation partner so you can communicate with gentle touch instead of exaggerated hand gestures. “There are people who cannot get by without a walker, so they’re always leaning forward and not making eye contact,” Navarro says. “If that’s you, something as simple as stopping when you hear someone coming down the hallway will allow you to look up and connect with others.”

25. Improve nonverbal communication with exercise

Navarro suggests that strength and fitness could be the key to overcoming physical barriers to nonverbal communication, or maintaining the nonverbal abilities you already have. He says the older adults in his community who get regular exercise are more agile and mobile than those who don’t — and more social as well. That means they have more opportunities to practice nonverbal communication — and stronger bodies that allow them to engage in it, he hypothesizes. Activities like dance, martial arts and pickleball could increase body awareness and control, while things like weight training and yoga can improve strength, flexibility, balance and posture — all of which could enhance your ability to communicate with your body.

26. Learn by watching others

If you struggle with any aspect of nonverbal communication, observe others’ nonverbal cues to help improve your own. “The first step is paying attention to what other people do,” says Manusov. “When you really enjoy communicating with somebody else, what are they doing as a communicator that makes you enjoy it so much? You might notice, for example, that they’re looking right at you, that they’re nodding their head as you speak or making attentive facial expressions. Make note of what they’re doing and how it makes you feel so you can be more like that yourself.”

27. Ask for feedback

Ask trusted family or friends for feedback about the nonverbal signals you send, Crawley suggests. “Ask them: ‘What faces do I make? How do you feel about the way I say hello? What about my handshake?’” he advises. “A good diagnosis from other people opens the doors to learning.”

28. Practice makes perfect

Van Edwards likens nonverbal communication to a muscle. “It gets stronger with use,” she says. “The great news is there are lots of creative, empowering ways to improve.” One of the most common is mirror practice. “Try out different facial expressions, eye contact and gestures to see how they feel,” suggests Van Edwards, who also recommends recording yourself with your phone or webcam. “Watch how you come across in video calls or presentations. Awareness is the first step to change.” 

Pay special attention to nervous cues. “How do you look when you are nervous? What does your voice sound like when you feel anxious? It is good to know how your body reacts in nervousness so you can counteract it. If you notice you put your hands in fists when nervous, focus on relaxing them. This will calm your entire system.”  Role-playing can also help. Before a family gathering, social visit, work function or medical appointment, for example, practice the body language, vocalics and facial expressions you’d like to use to communicate more effectively. Doing so might help you get what you want out of that specific interaction.

Nonverbal Communication Tips for Caregivers

29. When someone has hearing loss

Presbycusis, or age-related hearing loss, is extremely common and can make verbal communication difficult. When caregivers and loved ones engage with someone who is hard of hearing, it’s vital that they use nonverbal cues like hand gestures and facial expressions to supplement spoken language. Eye contact is also important, according to Thompson. “It’s not just making eye contact while you’re talking. It’s ensuring that you have eye contact before you even start talking, because they need to know that you are speaking to them,” she says. “When you make eye contact, you can assure that they are locked in before you attempt to give them any information.” 

The pitch of your voice also matters when you’re engaging someone with hearing loss. “With standard presbycusis, typically it’s high-pitched sounds that a person stops being able to hear as well,” Thompson says. “So, if we’re speaking to someone like that, we need to lower our pitch.” Because people who are hard of hearing often compensate by reading lips, pay attention to distance and body orientation. “When we’re communicating with someone who can’t hear, our natural response is to just get louder,” she says. “But research shows us that stepping back enough so that the person can see our mouth is way more effective.”

30. When someone has dementia

Dementia, including Alzheimer’s disease, is often centered in the temporal lobe on the left side of the brain. It’s the location of language, auditory processing and emotional regulation. Because of that, caregivers often must supplement the verbal communication that’s processed on the left side of the brain with nonverbal communication that’s processed on the right side, Thompson explains. That’s why visual cues like facial expressions, hand gestures and body language are important. “Visual processing happens in the occipital lobe, which is typically not impacted by dementia — especially at the beginning. And then there’s the parietal lobe, which helps us know where we are in space and helps us recognize familiar people,” says Thompson. “So when we use things like facial expressions and pointing gestures, we kind of circumvent the parts of the brain that are being most damaged by diseases of cognitive impairment.” 

The body can be a useful communication tool, but it’s important to move slowly. “The fight-or-flight response is still very much active in individuals with dementia, and sometimes overactive. So they can get startled really easily,” Thompson continues. “When we enter into a person’s field of view, we want to make sure that we are there for a few seconds before we engage with them. And when we’re walking up to someone, we want to do it slowly and, if they’re sitting, get down on their level by either squatting or sitting down next to them.”

31. When someone has had a stroke

Older adults who have had a stroke often experience one of two types of aphasia that can affect their communication. The first, expressive aphasia, impacts their ability to find the right words when they speak; they can understand speech but have trouble forming words and sentences. The second, receptive aphasia, impacts their ability to communicate coherently; they often have trouble understanding speech and may speak in ways that don’t make sense. For expressive aphasia, caregivers might need to be more attuned to hand gestures like pointing and pantomimes that can help people communicate when they can’t find their words, Thompson notes. For receptive aphasia, it helps to focus on context clues. “Instead of listening only to what the person is saying — the words — we need to listen to how they’re saying it,” Thompson says. “Listen to the tone of their voice and watch their facial expressions. Are they excited about something, or angry? Watch their eyes, too. What are they looking at when they’re talking?”

32. When someone has Parkinson’s

People with Parkinson’s disease often struggle with verbal communication — slurred speech is common — as well as nonverbal communication. They often suffer from tremors, for example, which can impact their ability to gesture with their hands. They sometimes have what’s known as a “masked face,” where their brain fails to communicate with their facial muscles, impeding their ability to create expressions. And they may have vision or motor impairments that make eye contact difficult. Given these challenges, look for context clues, and follow their gaze as you would with someone who has suffered a stroke. For many conditions — including dementia, stroke and Parkinson’s — visual supports also can be helpful, according to Devanga, who suggests using communication boards with letters, words or pictures. 

Or look for an augmentative and alternative communication (ACC) app that your loved one can use on their phone or tablet. These apps allow a person to communicate with those around them without speaking, typically by turning words or symbols typed on a keyboard into sounds. “There are options for generating text and using that to generate speech, which is especially great for things like ALS and Parkinson’s that affect speech output but not necessarily speech processing,” she says. Examples of these apps include Assistive Express, Patient Communicator and TalkTablet Pro.  

33. Consult a speech language pathologist

If you’re a caregiver who’s struggling to communicate with a loved one, a speech language pathologist might be able to help, says Thompson, adding that you can ask your primary physician for a referral. “Speech language pathologists are essential medical providers for individuals with any kind of communication deficits, whether it is verbal or nonverbal,” she says. “We have very skilled, evidence-based interventions that we can use to make people better and, a lot of times, recover skills.” These include speech and voice therapy to help strengthen the patient’s ability to speak, and language therapy to improve the patient’s ability to comprehend language and express it.