4 Things I Learned From My Mother-In-Law

Wisdom over decades helped me appreciate the woman who raised my husband

Randi Mazzella,

AARP Experience Counts

Comments

Published July 18, 2024

a woman in a coat looks at a bride and groom figurine

Paul Spella

Maybe it's because I'm an eldest daughter—I was a people pleaser for most of my young adulthood. I derived most of my self-worth from hearing others say, "She is so nice."

So when my boyfriend of several months asked me to meet his mother, I had just one goal in mind. To paraphrase Sally Field's 2017 Oscars speech, "I wanted her to like me. Like me!" I pulled out all the stops to make a good first impression.

Unfortunately, that first meeting did not go well and neither did subsequent ones. I tried to be engaging, charismatic and helpful but she remained cool toward me. She wasn’t rude, but it was clear she didn’t think I was a good match for her son.

I rationalized that maybe she didn't want to get too invested in me until she knew I was sticking around. But even after we got engaged and then married, she didn’t warm.

Until, ultimately, she did. It wasn’t that she did an about-face. The change in our relationship was slow and uneventful. We grew to appreciate and understand one another.

Here’s what my relationship with my mother-in-law taught me:

1. Let go of the preconceived ideas

A mother does not always know best when it comes to whom her adult child should marry. My mother-in-law had an ideal mate for my husband in mind, and I didn't fit her criteria. Worse, the woman he dated before me did.

So, unless they see a situation that is dangerous or abusive, parents shouldn’t voice their opinions on the choice.

As my children introduce me to their partners, I try to get to know them individually and watch their interactions. I am content if they are good to each other and polite to our family.

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2. Be open to new traditions

One of the stumbling blocks at the beginning of my relationship with my mother-in-law was that I was Jewish and she was Catholic. The divide grew wider once my husband and I married and he told his parents that we would raise our children in my faith.

Now that I am older, I understand why my mother-in-law felt so upset. She wanted her grandkids to celebrate the holidays and traditions the way she had with her children. My religion was new to her and it made her feel like an outsider in her own family. It would be hard for me if my kids decided that they wouldn't raise their families the way we raised them.

With time, my mother-in-law mellowed and embraced the new traditions. She realized that while the holidays were different, they were similar too – about food, family and connection. She began to look forward to celebrating in my home and always requested that I bring a piece of my delicious noodle kugel home with her.

3. We don’t know what is next

My mother-in-law lost her husband when she was in her early 50s. She never recovered and it shaped the second half of her life. After she died, I found a stack of letters that she wrote to my husband when he was at college.

The letters depicted a woman I had never met — light, carefree, happy — enjoying all the mundane parts of her life. The woman who wrote these letters had no idea that she would be a widow three years later. It made me realize how much can change without warning and I appreciate the little things in my life more.

4. Be patient

Looking back, I came in too strong. Instead of having a goal of getting my mother-in-law to like me, I should have allowed her the time to get to know me. When she didn’t warm to me immediately, I grew concerned and anxious. I wasn’t my best self around her. I began to see our relationship as adversarial. A tug of war developed between us and that was not good for her, me, my husband or our kids. Both of us trying to be the “winner” caused both of us to lose.

Rather than trying to sell myself, I wish I had spent those first few years getting to know her better. She was going through a rough time when we met. I was too young and selfish to understand that much of her demeanor and actions had nothing to do with me.

She was angry and anxious, widowed with little warning and now “losing” her son. It was not so much me as it was the situation.. I could have been more gracious.

Bottom line

I am glad that in the end my mother-in-law and I built a good relationship. She gave me the greatest gift raising my husband to be the man that he is and for that I will be forever grateful. I hope one day that the woman who marries my son will be able to say the same thing about me.

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Randi Mazzella is a freelance writer specializing in a wide range of topics from parenting to pop culture to life after 50. Her work has been featured in many online and print publications, including The Washington Post, The New York Times, Next Avenue, AARP’s The Girlfriend and Charlotte Parent. She is a mother of three grown children and lives in New Jersey with her husband. Read more of her work on randimazzella.com.

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