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My Mother’s Memory Loss Helped Heal Old Wounds Between Us

She forgot she never liked anything about me, but I worried the return of her memories would bring back her resentment

Lisa Suhay,

AARP

Published February 06, 2026

an illustration shows a woman pushing her mother in a wheelchair on a beautiful day. A smiley face is radiating from the back of her mom’s head

A medical emergency that led to the forgetting of old grievances transformed a fraught mother-daughter relationship.

Ryan Johnson

Four years ago, my mother, now 95, suffered a collapse due to a tiny, inoperable, nonmalignant brain tumor called a meningioma. I made the decision to bring her home to recuperate with me rather than placing her in a rehab facility. On the seven-hour drive from my home in Norfolk, Virginia, to New Jersey to pick her up, I had a lot of time to fret over how she would greet me, and how impossible the task of becoming her caregiver would be.

a photo shows author Lisa Suhay’s mother wearing a flower crown to greet children as part of Suhay’s Fairy Tree project in Norfolk, Virginia.

Author Lisa Suhay’s mother, 95, sports a flower crown to greet children as part of Suhay’s Fairy Tree project in Norfolk, Virginia.

Courtesy Lisa Suhay

We had always had a touch-and-go relationship. Mom never seemed to like anything about me. She was a slender, stylish, beautiful, self-made Manhattan fashion designer; I was her chubby daughter who loved reading and comfortable shoes and had the additional bad luck of looking like my late father, who had been a violent alcoholic. I longed for her approval and always tried to protect her — from my father’s beatings, from my bipolar younger brother’s aggressive outbursts.

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Yet she resented what she considered my interference. At the end of our last visit before her collapse in 2022, she told me in front of my then-teenage daughter, “If I hadn’t been pregnant with you, I’d never have had to marry your father. Everything would have been different. I wish you’d never been born!”

I nervously entered the rehabilitation center in New Jersey and found her in the middle of a group physical therapy session. Imagine my surprise when she shouted to the room, “My daughter! This is my wonderful daughter! I told you she was coming for me.”

She appeared not to remember any of her resentment toward me. Dr. Mark C. Flemmer, a geriatrician and internist in Norfolk, later explained to me that “a meningioma would have to be very large indeed to cause this kind of memory and personality alteration, and hers is small. That makes it a puzzle, more likely to be caused by anything from multi-infarct or Lewy body dementia to PICS [Post-Intensive Care Syndrome].”

The cause isn’t as important as the result: I was greeted like a celebrity. My mother had been bragging about her daughter: the children’s book author, the journalist who defied death in the Gulf War, the chess teacher.

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a photo shows author Lisa Suhay and her mother at a 2025 wedding held at the Virginia Beach Aquarium

At a 2025 wedding held at the Virginia Beach Aquarium, author Suhay gives her mother a ride past the exhibits.

Courtesy Zoltan Suhay

My decision to become her caregiver profoundly changed my understanding of my mother. Back home we became an inseparable pair, getting into Lucy-and-Ethel hijinks: bopping to “Hot Girl Summer” by Rose Betts in the living room as a way to motivate her to do her physical therapy; dressing as fairies (wings, wand, pointy ears and flower crowns) to greet children in the front garden all summer; making a snowman on the dining room table because it was too cold for her to go outside.

But it all seemed too good to be true, and I worried that the tumor might grow or shift and she would suddenly remember her dislike for me. I felt dishonest not reminding her that she didn’t like me. Was our joy ill-gotten?

Last year, I confessed my unease to her and was surprised to learn her memory loss had only been temporary. The brief absence of those memories allowed her to see our relationship through fresh eyes.

a photo shows Lisa Suhay’s mother reading the New York Times

Reading The New York Times is a daily joy for the author’s mother.

Courtesy Lisa Suhay

“I did forget it all for a couple of weeks, maybe longer. It didn’t all come back, but by then I was so happy,” she said. So she let go of all her grudges for good.

The woman who would always tell me “I don’t like your attitude” now shares bawdy jokes that leave us both weak with laughter. The Chanel-wearing fashion plate who scoffed at my leisure attire now joins me on the couch wearing a pink Tinkerbell T-shirt.

Through forgetting her grievances, first by chance and later by choice, we evolved into more resilient people who remembered what we always wanted to be to each other: loving best friends. In that love, there are no burdens, only possibilities.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.

Lisa Suhay is a journalist and children’s author best known for founding The Fairy Tree during the pandemic to serve the emotional needs of thousands of children and adults who leave letters for fairy-tale creatures and get answers to help them find their joy. To learn more, visit www.fairypenpals.com.

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