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After 42 Years, I’m Finally Putting My Husband First
And our adult kids don’t like it! I’m no longer working around their schedules but instead prioritizing my spouse when doing things like planning vacations
Monica Garwood
Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back Wednesday each week for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.
My husband and I sat side by side on the therapist’s couch, our fingers intertwined as the doctor asked what marital problems had brought us to his office. My husband sighed and said the unexpected: “I’m tired of always being put last on my wife’s priority list.”
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I argued that it was my job as a mother of four to prioritize our children’s needs. My husband countered with several examples for the therapist: how sex had been on the back burner for years because I was too busy with the kids, and how we lived by their schedule, not our own. If my husband wanted a romantic weekend getaway with me, I always refused, claiming I didn’t feel comfortable leaving our kids with a sitter.
Whenever he tried to surprise me with a little gift, I would return it for a refund to use the extra cash on the girls’ dance class costumes or the boys’ music lessons. At the time, I didn’t realize how insulting this was to my husband, or the guilt he felt for wanting more attention from me. He had been my primary focus in the early days of our marriage, but that focus was rerouted after our children were born. As much as he appreciated my motherly attentiveness, he also wanted to feel just as important to me, if not more so.
In the years after therapy, I tried to fix things in our relationship once I learned the truth behind my husband’s marital disgruntlement. And it worked, at least for a while. I made a greater effort to be there for him emotionally and physically, but over time I drifted back into the lane that prioritized our children as they went off to college, married and had children of their own.
My husband had hoped he would finally have my full attention now that we were empty nesters, but I was still very involved in my adult kids’ lives. He would plan dinner dates with our friends or weekend trips to the beach just for the two of us, but if the kids wanted to get together, I would cancel his plans. Several times I made the mistake of inviting the kids and grandkids to join us on a few of our weekend vacations, and my husband was not happy. Of course the kids noticed his grumpiness but chose to ignore it so it wouldn’t ruin our fun.
Our family is large and loud, and sometimes it overwhelms my husband. As much as he loves our family, he admits he is tired of our leisure time and activities being centered on the adult kids. At this stage in our lives, he prefers spending more time alone with me.
“You’re my best friend, my favorite person on the planet, and I will always put you first,” he said. “I love hanging out with just you because we have so much fun together.”
So, after 42 years of marriage, I’m at last putting my man first — and my adult kids are not thrilled.
The changes started with a trip my daughter was planning for her birthday. Although it was a last-minute idea, she wanted the whole family to join her celebration. While all her siblings readily agreed to go, she was surprised when I declined the invitation. (We had already made plans that weekend to attend a friend’s retirement party.) My phone began chiming with texts from my other kids telling me how hurtful this was to my daughter. I explained that we had made our plans first and that their father had been especially looking forward to his best friend’s party. Once they realized we weren’t going to drop everything to join them, my phone went silent for two weeks, and my texts to my kids went unanswered.
It happened again one weekend when our son needed us to babysit his three children overnight. He’d bought tickets for a special event and booked a hotel room for himself and his wife. The dates coincided with our anniversary, and we had already made reservations at an intimate, upscale restaurant that required a month’s advance notice to secure a spot (and was not kid-friendly). Our son was annoyed when we refused to cancel our dinner date, and he tried to guilt us into changing our plans.
His frustration was a reminder of all the years I’d catered to my children. It was the wake-up call I needed to focus on the new phase in my marriage, where I would put my husband’s happiness first and enjoy our retirement years together, doing what we want to do.
It comes as no surprise that child-centered marriages are often at a higher risk of divorce. According to a 2012 study of 886 divorcing parents, 34 percent cited a lack of attention from their spouse as a reason for the divorce. Prioritizing a partner is essential to a successful marriage; it offers reassurance that the relationship remains strong and valued, which is vital to a couple’s emotional well-being and happiness. If I hadn’t chosen to shift my priorities from my kids to my husband, my marriage may have been at risk of becoming a divorce statistic.
Thankfully, I realized I’d wasted too much time and energy worrying about disappointing my children and needing their approval as a “good mother” — all at the expense of my husband’s happiness. But things are different now. My husband and I frequently plan weekend getaways (alone!) without checking our adult kids’ schedules.
Of course this annoys them, especially when we miss holidays, birthdays or family activities, or aren’t available to babysit the grandkids.
However, I’m confident they still know how deeply they’re loved and that they can count on us to be there for them in an emergency.
The way I see it, my husband is the one I vowed to love first, long before our children were born, and he is the one who will be there for me in the end. Seeing how we’ve strengthened our marriage by prioritizing each other will hopefully teach our children to build a healthy relationship with their partners — one as happy as ours — as they grow older.
AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.
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