What’s Normal When It Comes to Self-Pleasure?

We get a lot of emails from readers that end with the question, “Is this normal?” This week’s query involves what’s normal when it comes to masturbation frequency when you’re in a long-term relationship.

I like what urologist Irwin Goldstein, a pioneer in the field of sexual medicine, said when I interviewed him for the column.

“We don’t use the word ‘normal.’ I have a patient who only has sex on his birthday, and I have someone else who masturbates four times a day,” he says. “Who is ‘normal’?” No judgment there.

My husband of many years seems more interested in satisfying himself alone than with me. Is that normal?

Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Marianne Brandon says yours is a common concern, one that's rarely discussed and frequently misunderstood.

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

Many people in long-term relationships turn to solo sex, and it doesn’t always signal a problem with the relationship, says urologist Dock G. Winston, assistant physician in chief at Mid-Atlantic Permanente Medical Group in Washington, D.C., whose training includes behavior health and relationship dynamics. But, Winston adds, it can affect a relationship at times.

Here’s the short list of common reasons people go solo:

• Mismatch in sex drive. One person may have a higher libido, and instead of pressuring their partner, they handle their needs alone. “That can be a respectful compromise,” Winston notes.
• Erectile unreliability. As men age, according to Brandon,  some people, particularly those 65-plus, do shift toward masturbation because of physiological changes that make intercourse more difficult ­— namely, issues with erectile function and ejaculation. “Some men feel shame, self-consciousness and anxiety about these changes, and as a result feel more comfortable masturbating than attempting intercourse,” she says.’
• Body image. Others may also be dealing with body image issues that make them feel more vulnerable, says Winston, adding, “Masturbation alone can feel safer and less pressured.” 
• Stress relief or habit. Solo sex isn’t always about horniness. For many, Winston says, it’s a way to cope with stress, boredom, even insomnia. “It can serve as emotional regulation more than erotic expression.”

Another thing our experts stress: Make sure to pay attention to what you really want and communicate that with your partner.

Check in with yourself. Step 1 is to identify if your husband’s masturbation practice bothers you or is something you’re both happy with, says Goldstein, director of San Diego Sexual Medicine and founding editor of The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

If it does bother you, Winston says to dig deep: What exactly is it you find troubling? Is it about feeling unwanted? Less desired? Left out of an intimate part of his life?

Talk about it with your partner. As Winston said, there are lots of reasons your husband may enjoy solo sex that have nothing to do with you. But if you’re feeling hurt or disconnected, that matters, too.