He Orgasms Quickly and I'm Left to Satisfy Myself

Are there ways to help him last longer?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published January 09, 2025

Kiersten Essenpreis

Years ago, I wrote a magazine piece about an edgy art exhibit inspired by the penis. My prudish editor replaced each penis reference with male member. Worst edit ever.

Judging from our inbox here at In the Mood, what the penis — yes, penis! — can and can’t do when you hit 50-plus is of great interest to many of you.

This week, our sex experts weigh in on ejaculatory control and other ways to keep your partner from reaching the finish line a little too soon.

I am in a sexual relationship with an older man who orgasms quickly — leaving me wanting more. I can always use a sex toy, which I do. How can we keep him from coming so quickly?

First off, try to think of this not only as a problem but an opportunity to make your sex life even better. As with anything else, it starts with a conversation.

Ease into the conversation. Certified sex therapist Nan Wise suggests starting with something like, "I really enjoy our sex. I'm so into our relationship and I would love to talk to you about how we can explore and experiment together. Are you open to talking about us collaborating on making sex more fun?"

It's not over until everyone wins. Certified sexologist Susan Milstein offers this reminder: It's not game over when your partner comes.

"Our problem as a culture is that when a penis comes, it's over," she says. "There's zero reason why after he comes, he can't keep doing things on her, to her, with her." Among her suggestions: manually stimulate her, use sex toys on her, use your mouth.

Focus on your orgasm first. Another option: Because women typically take longer than men to reach their "peak pleasure point," certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi suggests focusing on your orgasm first, and then his.

Plus, she says the likelihood of timing your orgasms to "line up" is unrealistic and burdensome.

When you're really turned on and close to coming, put his penis inside you. As certified sex therapist Chris Fariello, founder of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy puts it: "Save penetration for last and even if it lasts only minutes or seconds, she ends up with a big bang."

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Bone up on ejaculatory control methods. In what position does he rapidly ejaculate? If you identify one, Fariello says to think about doing less of it. And become attuned to your partner’s response during sex, he adds, slowing things down when it makes sense.

Wise suggests experimenting with these three techniques to delay ejaculation:

Stop and start. With this method, commonly called edging, a man stops sexual stimulation before orgasm, cools down and then starts up again. Wise says it not only stretches out how long it takes to climax but can also make the orgasm more intense.
Stop and squeeze. When a man feels close to orgasm, remove the penis while either he — or his partner — firmly squeezes the head of the penis until the sensation to climax passes. This can be practiced when masturbating.

"It's not just a technique but something partners can play with," Wise says. "Frame it not as a problem but an incredible opportunity to create even more pleasure."

Try breathwork. Men can use their breathing to develop more ejaculatory control and build up the capacity to have very pleasurable sex and orgasms, according to Wise.

Here's how: When having sex, slow down the breath and make the exhalation longer than the inhalation. Long smooth inhale — pause — longer smooth exhale.

"It calms the nervous system and helps you maintain your erection," says Wise, who is also a neuroscientist. "It's transformational and it's not hard to learn."

Expand your definition of sex. Most couples do the same thing over and over with the same results, says Fariello. He suggests mixing it up by building a "yes, no, maybe" list of sexual activities you'd both be interested in trying. As examples, he says, think about using your hands and mouth to pleasure one another. "Expand your repertoire."

In place of erections or orgasms, Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, says to explore each other’s bodies in new ways. That sex toy you use to finish yourself off? Torrisi suggests playing with toys together. "Have fun first and see where that takes you."

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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