Help! Politics Is Ruining My Marriage

Needle suggests a conversation starter like: “I want to understand why this matters to you, even if I don’t agree,” and invite the same in return. She says to let your husband know: “I may not understand your view, but I still believe in us.”

Examine how deep the divide really is. Sexuality educator Stella Harris, who is also a trained mediator, says you may share similar opinions and values but not know it.

“Maybe you actually have similar feelings, but you’re trying to get there in different ways,” Harris says, offering this textbook example from the mediation world: Two people are fighting over who gets the only orange, and they’re at an impasse. So they ask each other: “Why is the orange important to you?” One person wants to make juice; the other wants the zest for baking. The outcome: They can split the orange and both get what they want.

“The message is to de-escalate the conflict enough” to find out what each of you is actually thinking, Harris explains.

Focus on what you share. If you do uncover shared values, Needle says to focus on them rather than on your differences.

“While your views may differ on the surface, you likely still care about many of the same things: family, fairness, freedom, kindness, safety. Try to reconnect around those values,” says Needle, codirector of Florida-based Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing-education company that trains couples and sex therapists worldwide.

Wise urges you to remember that you love somebody because of the things you two share: your love for one another, your family, the life you’ve built together.

“Go back to the basics in your relationship and focus on what truly matters,” says Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters. “Is love predicated on your political beliefs? I certainly hope not.”

Rebuild your emotional and physical connection. When tension builds, desire often fades — not because the love is gone, but because the closeness is, Needle says.

She suggests making room to reconnect through small gestures, shared laughter, touch and spending intentional time together. “Emotional safety is a foundation for intimacy,” Needle says. “Connection fuels desire, so find ways to enjoy each other again that have nothing to do with the news cycle.”

Torrisi recommends showing interest in nonpolitical activities that the other enjoys as a way to build connection. If you’re not into bicycling and your partner is, be supportive anyway, and ask questions about it to show that what is important to them is also important to you.

“We are complicated beings with varied interests. There’s more to someone you love than their political ideas,” Torrisi says.

Set healthy boundaries. Needle says it’s OK to say: “This topic is really emotional for me. Can we agree to press pause right now and come back to each other?” As she puts it: “Protecting your connection often means pressing pause on the conflict.”

Practice acceptance. “We don’t have to agree with people to love them and stay engaged with them,” says Wise, adding that “part of loving someone is accepting who they are — even the parts we may not like or agree with.”

One suggestion from Wise: Climb into each other’s worldviews, but leave your judgment behind. “Find a part that you do understand. Get out of the drama,” she advises. “Do your best to be open-minded and open-hearted.”

Consider couples therapy. Needle says couples therapy can help you explore your differences in a structured, respectful way — and help you rediscover the connection that brought you together in the first place.

“At the end of the day, political views matter, but so does the relationship you’ve built over years or decades,” she says. “Many couples with very real differences learn to coexist — not by avoiding hard topics, but by choosing love, respect and curiosity, again and again.”