I Feel Like I’m Parenting My Partner

Gently tell your partner how you feel. This is a situation where communication is critical, says licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson.

She suggests a conversation starter like: “This is hard, but I feel like I am taking on the brunt of so many responsibilities, and I’m starting to feel it’s not so much a partnership but caretaking.”

She says to let him know: “I want to be your partner in sex and in life. I’m not minimizing or demeaning you. I’m just saying I desire you to be my partner.”

If necessary, drill it down for him.

For example, tell him that you schedule his doctor appointments, remind him to attend, and make sure he follows up properly.

Then say: “When I feel responsible for your care, it takes away from me feeling I have a partner in this. With a partner, I can release, let go, and it gives me more capacity for passion.”

What to watch out for. Redefine household responsibilities, Harris-Jackson says. But don’t fall for the “make me a list” maneuver if he puts it on the negotiating table.

“That’s still like parenting: giving your kid a list of chores,” says Harris-Jackson. “Instead, part of the conversation needs to be that they proactively notice what needs to happen and simply take care of it.”

A teachable moment — for both of you. Pasciucco suggests that you show your partner how to unlearn behaviors and relearn better ones.

“Say to your husband, ‘Wow, the trash is full. Can you take it out?’ Teach people to notice. This could be what you saw modeled when you were growing up. ... Change [his] patterns by observation.” ​

Certified sex therapist Chris Fariello, founder of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, says that essentially, you are blaming your partner for things you wish he were doing for himself. You need to communicate what those wants are. 

“Ask if he can, or is even interested in, changing things,” Fariello says. “He will either choose to do this and learn — or not.”

Say your partner routinely leaves his shoes on the floor and doesn’t pick them up. You do. If he declines to change things up, how do you compensate for that? Ask yourself: “Do I live with it? Do I move the shoes and not complain?”

Pay attention to what your partner does next. After talking to your partner, Harris-Jackson says you may get a happy ending with a comment from him like, “Oh babe, I actually thought you wanted to do these things. I didn’t know it stressed you out. Why did you take so long to tell me?”

Or, says Harris-Jackson, he could become passive-aggressive — saying, for example, that he will start to fill his pillbox himself, and then intentionally slack off, potentially putting his own health at risk.

“With older adults particularly, the partner will see his wife filling his pillbox as a sign of love,” she explains. “When the partner pulls back, she is viewed as not as loving.”

How to handle it if they aren’t willing to change. At this point, Harris-Jackson says you need to determine what you will and will not settle for.

“Those are tough choices,” she adds. “There is no easy solution.”

For starters, you can put parameters around tasks you will and won’t do. For example, tell him yes, you’ll help with medicine, but no, you won’t go to doctors’ appointments with him.

If boundaries don’t work, Harris-Jackson says one option is to find other ways to experience pleasure and joy without your partner.

Among her suggestions: Spend time on activities you like, and build closer connections with friends and family that help you feel supported and that you don’t have to feel responsible for.

Bottom line: “You don’t have to be a mother,” says Fariello, but [then you need to] be OK with [him] leaving the shoes on the floor.”