I’m Dating as an Older Adult. Should Sparks Still Fly at My Age?

Young love is all about passion. Is that still true as we age?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published July 03, 2025

A graphic illustration shows an older adult couple at night, with woods in the background, with sparklers in their hands, touching the sticks together.

Kiersten Essenpreis

We’ve all been on dates with perfectly nice people who would make for a great friend — but a romantic partner, not so much.

It’s been a minute for me, but I’ve always looked for a spark when I’ve dated. No spark, why bother with a second date?

Our sexuality experts unpack what dating looks and feels like for 50-plus adults — and whether passion is still part of the deal.

As an older adult in the dating pool, is it still reasonable to expect that spark of passion that we looked for when we were young and searching for a partner? Or is that old news and we should just settle for a great companion?

There’s no expiration date on passion. As psychologist and certified sex therapist Rachel Needle notes, passion is a product of connection, curiosity and chemistry, none of which are age-related.

“The healthiest relationships at any age strike a balance: a strong emotional bond, shared values and, yes, a spark,” says Needle, codirector of Florida-based Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing-education company that trains couples and sex therapists around the world. “Don’t give up on finding passion just because you’re older.”

Don’t confuse maturity with resignation. And here’s a cautionary note from Needle: Settling for companionship without desire can feel like giving up a part of ourselves that still longs for joy, playfulness and attraction.

Sexuality educator Stella Harris urges you not to settle, and to definitely mix it up: Date around, enjoy some great sex, and decide if you actually want to engage in a partnered relationship. “Be experimental,” she says. “Who knows what you’ll find?”

About that spark. What a spark feels like can evolve as we age. It may not always look like butterflies or infatuation, says Needle, adding that in later life it may feel like a “slow burn,” a sense of aliveness when you’re with someone, or a powerful emotional resonance that builds over time.

Consider the whole package — and take your time. Certified sexologist Susan Milstein says she’s known people who have a great date, then promptly write it off because there’s no lightning bolt of passion.

But if the conversation was fascinating and the night flew by, Milstein suggests exploring the connection further. It may be there are sparks, but they’re going to show up more like a “sizzle,” and a “sizzle takes more time,” she says.

Ask yourself: “Am I excited about being with this person?” “The excitement is important,” says Milstein, cohost of the podcast Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations About Sex.

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What New Relationship Energy is — and isn’t. When people do feel an immediate spark, it’s often part of what’s called New Relationship Energy (NRE), says neuroscientist and certified sex therapist Nan Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters.

What Wise says you need to be clear on: NRE is not love. It’s a kind of biological highlighter in the brain that’s very similar to taking speed. “NRE stimulates all sorts of chemicals in the brain. It’s a buzz,” she adds.

Wise says NRE typically lasts from 18 to 36 months, depending on how often you see each other.

And what happens after that? Wise says folks who are self-aware will realize that it’s going to wear off and that the next stage is about attachment, bonding and companionship.

Lean into your maturity. Don’t discount your age. Many older adults experience a deepened capacity for intimacy because they know themselves better, communicate more openly and prioritize emotional connection, Needle says. Use that to your advantage as you begin to date.

Harris says she’s had clients in their 70s and 80s who are now enjoying the best sex and relationships of their lives. “You hit a point where you realize life is too short to not be doing what you want, whether it’s going on cruises, having amazing sex — it can be anything,” she notes.

Examine your priorities. If you meet someone you are excited about and are pondering a long-term relationship, Wise says to ask yourself: “Does this person have the qualities that will serve me and the relationship well going forward?”

Wise says to be mindful about it by getting to know the person beyond your own projections and expectations.

A lot of older adults who start dating again suddenly realize that they’ve been compromising on multiple levels. “This forces a reset,” says Harris. “For a lot of older adults, after decades, that means asking: ‘What is it I really want?’”

The bottom line. Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman believes there’s no reason to settle at this age — or any age.

“As The Doors once sang, ‘Come on baby light my fire / Try to set the night on fire.’ Trust me, it can still happen,” Fleishman says. “It may not happen at once; it may take a few tries. Don’t give up — those sparks of passion are still with us, even as older adults.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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