Help! I’m Not Attracted to My Wife Anymore and She’s Always in the Mood

A husband can’t get past his wife’s weight gain when they hit the sheets. What should they do?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published February 13, 2025

Partner A: I’m hot, I’m tingling, I’m horny, I want you. Pants down!

Partner B: Not now. I’m watching the news.

A lot of reader questions involve desire discrepancy — one partner wants to be sexually intimate, the other one, not so much. This one is especially tricky because the husband is completely turned off by his wife’s appearance. Our sexual health experts offer guidance.

My wife, in her 60s, wants to have sex all the time. It’s like she’s on fire. I am still interested in sex but no longer with her — in part because she has gotten so heavy. We’ve been together for decades and I would like to feel that desire for her again. Can you help?

Your question has a lot of different parts to it. Our experts break it down.

About that fire. Many women in their 50s and 60s, during menopause and after, lose sexual desire. “This makes her kind of an outlier. Good for her,” says certified sex therapist Sari Cooper.

Cooper says to “be curious about what’s pinging her erotic triggers.” Ask her: What’s making you so horny? What’s making your desire so strong? “The initiation of that conversation itself might surprisingly be a turn on for both of you.”

Explore what makes you hot. If your primary erotic trigger involved your wife’s looks, Cooper says it makes sense that her weight gain has resulted in fewer pings — so explore other ones. And communicate to your wife that you want to work on finding other erotic triggers as a team.

Try sound. If you like listening to people having sex or talking about it, Cooper suggests listening to erotica together. Or maybe there’s certain music that arouses you or the sound of your partner talking dirty. “Access those triggers in an intentional way and they may ignite your erotic mind, which in turn may rekindle your physiological desire.”

Plus, Cooper says, “When you’ve been together for decades, it’s normal and natural for desire to wane. It’s important to introduce novelty and expand the erotic menu.”

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Take the initiative. Your wife is pursuing you — and you’re constantly on the defense. To change that dynamic, certified sex therapist Chris Fariello recommends that you initiate a sexual connection. “It gives you the power to activate your sexuality rather than always being reactive to your partner’s,” Fariello says.

Consider the big picture. Everyone’s body changes as they age. “You may not like her stomach, and she may not like what was your six-pack,” Fariello notes. “People who’ve been together for a long time forget how to find their partner attractive.”

Fariello says to pay attention to all the qualities — aesthetics, intellect, spirituality — that you love about your wife. Not just the visual, which right now is a turnoff for you. “The problem: We tend to notice all the bad stuff and not the good stuff,” he says.

By thinking about all the things you love about your wife, you may be able to get horny, according to certified sex therapist Nan Wise. “Focus not on her body weight but on what he likes about his partner — be receptive to that desire and let nature take its course.”

One tip: If you enjoy sexual imagery in videos or magazines, certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi suggests incorporating bodies that look like your wife’s to normalize your new reality.

Acknowledge your loss. Torrisi says you may also need to do some grief work on your own to come to terms with the way her body and yours have changed — and will continue to change — over the years.

Get romantic. Certified sexologist Susan Milstein wonders: When was the last time you went out on a date or did something special for your wife just to show that you love her? When was the last time you made her feel loved and wanted? “A relationship should be based in respect, care and intimacy of some level,” she says.

Consider opening the relationship. If you’ve cut off all forms of intimacy, Milstein recommends that you consider opening the relationship. She suggests that you see a sex therapist whose specialty includes open relationships who can help you establish rules and boundaries, among them: Will the other relationship be sexual or romantic? Are there any potential partners who are off-limits? “If you can’t meet her needs, give her permission to be with someone who can.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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