My Female Partner Wants More Oral Sex. Help Me Get Better!

Not long ago, In the Mood featured a guide on how to pleasure a man orally. This week, it’s our turn, vulva owners!

A male reader wants tips on how to go down on his partner in the best possible way. Tongue, fingers, toys — our experts spell it all out in glorious detail.

My partner wants me to go down on her more often — and I like doing it. But I could use some instruction. Any tips?

First off, I want to pass on a compliment from certified sex therapist Laurin Lewis. “If your partner wants you to go down on her more often,” she says. “You are probably already doing a good job.”

Here are some ideas on how to go from good to great.

Ask your partner to describe what you’re already doing that turns her on.  “It’s a teaching moment,” says certified sex therapist Nan Wise. Understand what she likes — what she wants more of — and build on that. And, as sexologist Susan Milstein, notes: “We don’t teach people to do this — so they never learn.” So consider yourself ahead of the curve.

Love on her clitoris. In general, when performing oral sex, the clitoris, that nub just north of the vagina, is “the business” — the most important body part to pay attention to, according to ob-gyn Maureen Slattery.

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

As she frames it, it’s highly sensitive, with more than 10,000 nerve endings and — drum roll — its only function is sexual pleasure. But every woman’s body is different, she adds, and some can find oral on the clitoris overstimulating.

Pay close attention to your partner’s reactions. “When giving oral to a woman, one of the most important things is to pay attention to your partner’s response,” says Slattery, a certified sexual health counselor. “You can tell, potentially, if you’re doing things they like from how they’re breathing, whether they’re moaning.”

Wise suggests asking your partner to give you cues about what feels good through words or grunts. “Move your face around,” she says. “Ask her for direct feedback, and don’t be shy about taking it. Communication is essential.”

Some women love to talk while receiving oral, some don’t, Milstein says. See what your partner likes. “Experiment. Suck, lick,” she says. “Play should feel good no matter what.”

Play with touch. Some women really like strong stimulation, Wise says, while others prefer a gentler approach.