My Husband Has Let Himself Go, and I’ve Lost Interest

She wants to be attracted to her spouse, but he’s making it difficult

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published June 04, 2026

an illustration shows an older adult couple at a table for two on a romantic dinner. The dressed-up wife is making a frowny face at her unkempt husband

Jon Krause

As we age, we change — and granted, it’s not always pretty. But it’s important to remember that this is part of the human experience. It’s normal.

Our query this week is from a woman who’s no longer turned on by her husband now that he’s gotten a little lax in the self-care department. Our sexuality and relationship experts have some great advice on navigating this very common problem.

My husband has really let himself go. He seems happy and wants to be social, so I don’t think he’s depressed. But he goes out in dirty T-shirts and shorts, rarely shaves and definitely has a new gut. When he wants sex, I’m just not interested in this version of him. Suggestions?

There are lots of moving parts here, but I like how certified sex therapist Chris Fariello frames it: “The hope in a long relationship is that you are going to grow in a united fashion. The reality is that our partners will never stay the same — something will change, and you may not like it.”

And certified sex therapist Nan Wise wants to assure you that you aren’t alone. At the beginning of a relationship, people spend a lot of time on grooming, dressing and tending to their looks. After a long period of time, she says, people habituate and let it go.

As Wise explains, “It’s human nature to get comfortable in that way that precludes people having the natural exuberance of new relationship energy to motivate them for self-care and courting.”

First, rule out a mental health issue. Before dismissing depression, sex and relationship coach Stella Harris says it’s important to acknowledge that it and other mental health issues are complicated and may be present.

Disregard for one’s appearance can absolutely be a sign of a mental health issue, Harris says, adding that a sudden shift in personality, routine or personal caretaking, or in weight gain and loss, could also be red flags.

Harris suggests that your husband see a primary care physician, a therapist or a psychiatrist to make sure everything’s fine. “Rule out the big stuff first, just in case,” she says.

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Launch a conversation. If there’s no diagnosis and there has been a shift like the one you describe, Harris recommends talking to your husband about what’s changed — and why.

She suggests saying something like: “Hey, you’re wearing dirty clothes and not shaving. I don’t want to sound insulting, but I miss when we used to put more effort into our date nights. We’d dress up, go to a nice restaurant or the theater. Interested in doing that again?”

Tell him how his looks are connected to your desire, says Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters. Present it in a way that’s enticing to him; Wise says to tell him that if he wants to be intimate, then he needs to help you “get in touch with your desire to have sex with him.” In this case, it means putting some effort into his personal appearance.

Be positive and proactive. Certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon, cohost of The Sex Doctors podcast, says a little positive reinforcement can go a long way. One conversation opener: “When you’re looking good, it’s such a turn-on for me. Let’s go shopping and get you some new clothes. Maybe you’ll get lucky!”

She says to make your feedback fun and playful, and when he wears his new clothes, turn up the temperature and flirt.

If he won’t change ... If your husband’s response to you asking him to upgrade his personal appearance is “To hell with suits, this is my uniform now,” Harris says maybe this is a situation you accept for the time being.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are at a stalemate, according to Fariello.

His advice: Focus on the things that make you feel loving toward him. As an example, Fariello says he makes you laugh. You raised three children together. You travel well together. He’s good about putting the toilet seat down.

“The thing is, we tend to hyperfocus on things that we don’t like,” says Fariello, who heads the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy. In reality, “We can find almost anyone attractive if we want.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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