Is It Just a Rough Patch, or Is Your Relationship Over?

It’s not always smooth sailing in a long-term relationship. So how do you know when it’s time to move on?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published June 11, 2026

I recently talked to a friend who’s separated from her husband, and she desperately wanted to know what my reporting had turned up for this week’s question: How do you know when it’s time to call it quits?

This quote, from certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, hit her hard: “The right time to leave is when you’re genuinely done. A small bit of reassurance I can offer: They will know when they’re done.”

Our sexuality and relationship experts weigh in on a topic I expect will resonate with many of you.

How do I know when it’s just a rough patch in my long-term relationship and when it’s time for divorce? — Submitted by S.F.

First, a definition: By its very nature, a “rough patch” is temporary. As sex and relationship coach Stella Harris puts it: “You don’t think about divorce after a bad day, a bad week or a bad month.”

Plus, she says, “Most of us don’t want to be quitters, especially if you’re talking about a long-term relationship.”

Ask yourself: What’s worth saving? People in troubled relationships tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what they want to change. Instead, Francis suggests first checking in on what aspects of your relationship feel worth saving.

In doing so, she says, you may realize that your marriage may be worth salvaging, as opposed to separating and building something new.

“This is not the same question as ‘Why stay?’ Getting clear on what’s worth keeping allows you to pay attention to what you truly value,” Francis adds. “Even if you choose to end the relationship, this awareness can help you understand yourself and your needs better.”

Do some self-reflection. It’s easy to just cut and run if things get tough, says certified sex therapist Chris Fariello, who says we live in a “disposable society” where we’re accustomed to trading things in for a newer model. “ ‘I’ll just get a new phone, a new haircut, a new partner,’ ” he adds. “Most things are changes you can work through. The problem is, people don’t want to do the work.”

Harris and Francis recommend conducting a self-inventory that includes questions like:

How long has this rough patch lasted? “If you are actually considering divorce, does that mean you’ve been in a rough patch for a while?” Harris asks. “Have you talked to your partner about what’s bugging you?” she continues. If so, do they get it? “Are they willing to address your concerns? Are you doing anything to initiate change?”
“Can you two still extend each other goodwill? Are you still kind to each other? Are both of you trying?” Francis asks. “Apart from divorce, what have you not tried yet? The questioner sounds like they’re still willing to try,” she notes. “They still want something to be different, or there wouldn’t be a question.”

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Consult a couples therapist. Even if you feel your relationship problems have no real solutions, certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon says working with a therapist can help amplify mutual understanding and compassion. “That alone can have a huge positive impact on your relationship,” she notes.

Harris suggests that you commit to six months of couples therapy, adding, “If you’ve been together for 20 years, six months of therapy is worth it.”

Instead of asking “Should I stay or should I go?,” certified sex therapist Nan Wise recommends examining your relationship with a therapist to determine what’s working and what’s not.

“The breakdown could become a big breakthrough,” says Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters. “With a therapist, figure out how you both can grow and become better partners together.”

How to know when you’re done. One big signal that it may be time to pull the plug is when you get to a place where you simply don’t care anymore, says licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson.

“This is different than being angry. There’s passion and feeling behind anger,” she says. “I’m talking about when you move into apathy. When you get to the point of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I’m done’ and ‘I’m over you,’ you are simply two bodies coexisting, and any passion is gone.”

Other red flags: If you are constantly feeling stuck, lonely, anxious, afraid or stressed, Harris-Jackson recommends hitting the eject button. “These are signs that this is not a healthy, safe and flourishing space for you,” she says.

Francis says that some people, when pondering what’s next, “start to feel excitement or curiosity about their future.” That can also be a sign it’s over.

Parting thoughts. When a relationship is struggling, it can be hard to tell the difference between a rough patch and something more serious, according to Brandon.

But, she cautions, “Divorce is a huge step, and it can be harder than people realize.” So giving the matter some serious thought and attention “can actually be a kind thing to do for yourself to be sure you’ve given it your all before you pull that trigger, so you know you’ll never look back with regret.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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