I Am Suddenly Attracted to Someone of the Same Sex

This is actually fairly common among older adults, say our experts. Here’s why, and what to do next

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published March 12, 2026

I’ve known a few straight people over the years who, after divorcing their long-term partners, got into same-sex relationships. The first time, I was surprised; the second and third times, not so much.

Our questioner this week is puzzled by her attraction to another woman. Turns out, it’s a situation that isn’t all that unusual.

As licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson puts it: “This is very common, but it can be off-putting and unnerving for people who haven’t experienced it before.” Our experts offer guidance.

I was married for 20 years and am divorced from my husband. I now find myself attracted to someone of the same sex. What is going on here? It seems out of the blue. — Emailed by R.B.

Here’s what you need to know first: Human sexuality is fluid and can evolve over time based on our experiences, relationships, emotional needs and personal growth, says licensed psychologist Rachel Needle.

“Being attracted to someone of the same sex after a long heterosexual marriage doesn’t necessarily mean your past feelings weren’t real,” says Needle, codirector of Florida-based Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing-education provider. “It simply means something new has emerged in your understanding of yourself.”

Why now? One of the reasons people might be interested in pursuing a same-sex relationship later in life: They stop caring as much about what other people want for them, says psychotherapist Mallory Hanfling, and start caring about what they want for themselves.

As an older adult, you may feel more grounded and freer to make autonomous and authentic decisions, adds Hanfling, whose Philadelphia-based practice, Courage to Grow Counseling, specializes in psychotherapy for the queer community.

“People are feeling braver to live with their own authentic truth,” she says. “People are feeling emboldened to live their own story.”

Also at play: After a divorce, many people go through a period of rediscovery. As Needle notes, “You may feel more open to possibilities, emotionally or physically, than you did before. Sometimes deep emotional connections, [a feeling of] safety or admiration can awaken attraction, even if it surprises you.”

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More than just the physical connection. What this might also be telling you, according to Harris-Jackson, is that you are attracted to more than a person’s physical appearance.

“Throughout the lifespan, we may find ourselves attracted to a spark more so than the biological part someone has,” says Harris-Jackson, CEO of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, Florida. “Attraction is complex and includes how someone makes you feel when you’re around them.”

A question to ask yourself: “What is it about this person, who’s not typical of anyone I’ve been attracted to before, that’s drawn my attention?”

Harris-Jackson says you don’t have to act on the attraction if you don’t want to; you can just celebrate what it means to you: that “you are alive and have depth and have a great capacity for attraction.”

Don’t judge yourself. Harris-Jackson suggests that you try to normalize how you are feeling and avoid the “shoulds” and the “shouldn’ts.”

For some, worrying about what others think might make them less likely to explore the attraction they feel; or if they do explore it, they may feel bad about it.

“What’s so sad to me is that shame and guilt keep a lot of people within their boxes or bubbles, and they are living their lives according to what other people think — not for themselves,” says Harris-Jackson.

Certified sex therapist Nan Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters, says, “People like women; they’re great partners.” Her advice: “Relax and enjoy your capacity for connection and intimacy. Don’t worry so much about the container.”

Eschew labels. There’s also no need to label your sexuality unless you choose to, says Needle, who urges you to engage in curiosity and self-compassion.

As Rebecca Hartman, a licensed mental health therapist at the Hawai’i Center for Sexual and Relationship Health, puts it: “It’s OK being vague.[You] have feelings for someone of the same sex, but there’s no need to rush things: ‘Am I gay? Am I not?’ If something makes you happy and is consensual, then why not?”

If you are thinking of telling people. How your friends and family react may depend on how they grew up culturally, spiritually and politically. And their initial response may change over time. “You may be able to maintain some relationships despite initial challenges,” Hanfling says.

And you want to be safe, says Hanfling, and advises considering the following: family or a workplace that doesn’t accept homosexuality; an ex who might malign you; your physical and emotional well-being.

“It’s really, really hard, but it can also be really, really worth it,” says Hanfling. If coming out isn’t an option for you, she says to find other ways to celebrate what you’ve discovered about yourself. Start with seeking out people who share your experience — people who “get” how you feel, who can help quiet any negative feelings and serve as your social safety net.

Among her recommendations: Consume queer media, attend queer events and find a religious institution that is supportive and accepting.

Consult a therapist. If you are feeling confused or excited, or both, Needle recommends that you talk with a therapist who specializes in sexuality or life transitions.

“This can be a powerful opportunity to better understand yourself and what kind of connection you want at this stage in your life.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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